“Brooke! Are you okay?” Jane asked as the room fell quiet.

“Huh,” replied Brooke in a daze.

“You fell out in the middle of the song, you just stopped singing.” Jane asked, her voice lowering in concern for her friend.

“Sorry,” Brooke apologized with her head down, “got distracted. Just tired, and a rough morning.” Brooke sighed disappointed in herself. With a deep breath she shakily said “Alright let’s go again.”

“Nope!” Jane interjected. “You’re tired and out of it. Not to mention, ten minutes till first period ends, so let’s pack up then head to classes.” She said as she unplugged her bass and grabbed her case. “You need any help putting the amps away?”

“Nah” Finn replied “me and Brooke can handle it as usual”

“Alright, Imma head to the bathroom before class ends, see ya later” Jane said, waving as she left.

“Hey Grayson, what’s with the outfit,” Dirk said to Brooke. Dirk was one of those assholes at her school, but he loved to pick on Brooke, and while most other people were easy enough to shrug off and tune out, somehow Dirk had found just the right spots to hit “Look at it, you trying to dress a girl, what you think can be one,” he sneered. “Not with those shoulders, they’re like f*cking shoulder pads”

Shut up please, Brooke thought to herself. She really didn’t need it this morning, it was already rough and she had enough of a spiral this morning.

“What are you gonna cry? Don’t wanna soak that beard.”

F*cking asshole! Why the hell did he always have to point it out, she had forgotten to shave last night, which because of just how ridiculously fast her facial grew meant that it had already gotten to a point she was uncomfortable, why could she not go two days without. 

“Oh so the gorilla is going to cry.” Dirk went on, as Brooke tried to walk faster. “Hey where you going-”

“Hey asshat!” Jane interjected, pulling Dirk down by his backpack “Leave her the f*ck alone”

Brook just ran as fast as she could to chemistry, making a mental note to thank Jane later.

Brooke walked into chemistry and slid down in her chair. More and more the deadnaming and misgendering had been getting to her. It’s easy enough to not care about the deadnaming and misgendering at first. It makes it easier, your apathy can be your shield. When you haven’t talked to a teacher, or can think of some reasoning as to why, it helps give an excuse to it, and it doesn’t hurt as much. But when she’s talked to her teachers a few times, corrected many many times, and presents fairly feminine, the excuses stop working and it feels more malicious, and just hurts more. Especially when her norm used to be being called Grayson, and being referred to as a boy, it was just what she expected. So she became null to it, and just grew apathetic. But now that more people have been using her actual name, and using feminine pronouns for her, it's been really nice. But it makes the deadnaming and misgendering hurt so much more, because she knows people can get it right, and the apathy fades so she can appreciate people respecting her name and pronouns. But then that shield of apathy fades, and the poison starts to sting. When the joy came in, only then was she able to process the pain.

Worst of all was how it impacted her own dysphoria. The more she came out, the more confident she got and more willing to wear more feminine outfits, which was absolutely wonderful. She absolutely loved to wear skirts, especially longer flowy ones, or dresses, but as she started to care more about the outfits, she also grew more concerned. Simply put, some of the clothes she’d like to wear aren’t exactly made for her body type, and mirrors were great at reminding her of that. She’d love to wear more shoulderless dresses, love the cute look of them, or crop tops, but she couldn’t escape the thought that it would look absolutely terrible on her, just exposing her shoulders too broad for a girl. When she started shaving, she did it because it bothered her some, she really hated how ridiculously hairy her legs were, so she did it to see if shaving her legs would make her feel better, but once she did, it just made body hair hurt that much more, and incite even more dysphoria. Now she goes a few days without shaving and she wants to just tear off her skin, to pull out every single hair on her body, arms, legs, and especially her face. She goes two days without shaving her face and then it’s too much and she just wants to scream. Doesn’t matter how painful; she’d just pull out all the hair, she was so sick of it.

“Grayson” Mr. Brasfields, Brooke’s teacher called, dragging Brooke back from zoning out.

“Yes”, Brooke responded, not having the energy to correct the name.

“The question was what was the charge of phosphate,” Mr. Brasfields said.

“Uh, negative 2?” Brooke supplied not really sure at all.

“Negative 3, please do your best to pay attention Mr. Peters.” Mr. Brasfields said annoyedly, “That goes for all of you.”

Thankfully after chemistry Brooke had English, with a great teacher, Mrs. Hailey. Mrs. Hailey was really caring, and looked out for her students. Also she used Brooke’s name right away, and was one of the people she came out to first so it really meant a lot. Also her class was always really enjoyable, the literature they read was diverse, she gave them lots of opportunities to write what they wanted, to be creative, to tell their own stories. She always recommended great books, and Brooke could always nerd out with her. Also whenever students needed someone to bat for them, Mrs. Hailey always stood up for them, which was especially great when they almost got in trouble for the protest last year. 

“Good morning, Brooke. How are you?” Mrs. Hailey.

“Rough, but not too much more than usual.” Brooke responded.

“I’m sorry, well let’s hope it gets better, still plenty of time.” Mrs. Hailey said emphatically but with her usual infectious optimistic attitude.

“Lets hope.” Brooke said already feeling better.

Eventually lunch rolled around and she was finally able to take a break and just breathe. Dirk was in her math class after English, so that continued to be unbearable, but now she could just be with her friends, and let the stress roll off. She sat under the tree outside the music building where Brooke and her friends ate lunch together, and waited for her friends to get there, and after a minute Finn was the first to get there.

“Hey Brooke you all right?” Finn asked, “You look really out of it, and you something was off first period, is something wrong?”

“Yeah, just,” Brooke sighed, “No, not really,” Brooke admitted. “Just-” said with a quiver in her voice as she gestured towards her body, “dysphoria hitting really hard.” Finn offered a hug. She leaned into his arms, pressing a forehead into her. “I’m so sick of the constant feeling that everything is wrong, feeling out of place in my body, and out of place with other people in society. Feeling like an outsider, even when I can't place my finger on what’s wrong, something is always off. It’s so draining.” She said with a wail as tears fled from her eyes down her face. “I’ll be with my friends who are girls, and like I know I am a girl, but it feels like there's some barrier or boundary of separation. I’ll be talking to my friends and they’ll be doing a girls night and I want nothing more than to be a part of it, and it hurts so much that I can’t be a part of it, and never have been able to” Brooke said as the tears increased rushing down her face.

“I’m sorry, dysphoria is a f*cking b*tch” Finn said sorrowfully, speaking from experience, “seriously a real sl*t, she just loves to screw people over” Finn joked, eliciting a laugh from Brooke. “Seriously though,” Finn continued taking a deep breath, “it’s painful to go about each and every day, feeling out of place in your own body, feeling out of of place with other people, the f*cking impostor syndrome is always terrible. I know it’s isolating, painful, and ridiculously stressful. I’m here for you, I know firsthand how rough it is so if you need to talk I’m here to help anyway I can, the rest of the band too we’re all here to support you. It’s rough, and hard to talk about, but I’m always here to listen, talk, and help however I can.” Finn gave Brooke a squeeze then looked her dead in the eyes, “You are a girl, a ridiculously strong girl, with ridiculously great makeup. Which needs a bit of cleaning up, but don’t worry we still got a bit of time before class let’s clean it up” Finn said as she gave her another tight hug.

“Hey I’m proud of you.” Finn said as he helped Brooke by wiping off the makeup that had run down her cheeks. “You have come so far since middle school.”

“What are you talking about?” Brooke said.

“First off, your makeup, when you started, to be honest you looked like a racoon.” Finn said with a laugh.

“Hey!” Brooke said, offended.

“Let me finish!” FInn quickly said, “Now your makeup is amazing. It’s always so pretty, and creative, and I’m blown away every day.”

“Thank you.” Brooke said.

“Also, you’ve gotten a lot more confident.” Finn said, smiling at her friend as she finished wiping off the makeup. “But most importantly, you’ve gotten so much happier. I know it feels like life has gotten rougher, but I see it in your face. You used to be a lot more apathetic, and a lot less energetic. You’ve gotten a lot more upbeat and energetic, and have become such a spring of joy.”

“Aww, thank you so much.” Brooke said as she was overwhelmed by the kind words from her friend. “Seriously, thank you.” Brooke then gave her friend a hug.

“And you’re right.” Brooke said with a smile on her face.

“Damn right I am.” Finn said, chuckling.

“Seriously though I don’t realize how far I’ve come. I stay locked on far I still have to go, but looking at how far I’ve come I know I’ll make it there. It’ll be rough but that’s why I have friends like you for.”

“Thank you Finn.” Brooke said with a big smile.

“Anytime.” Finn said.