“Why don’t you just go marry her!” I screamed at Mark and ran to my room. Sometimes I hate his guts, how could he just leave me all alone in a place I don’t know just so he can run off with some girl he just met? I should've kicked him out, but I could never. I don’t have the guts. An hour later I hear a knock at my door. No words have been spoken but I already know who it is. 

“Matthew? Can I come in?”

“No”

“I’m coming in anyway.” He never listens to me, but I always listen to him. This isn’t fair. He opened the door that I forgot to lock and walked in. As I scooched to the corner of my bed by the wall, he sat down. “Hey Math, I’m really sorry for leaving you all alone. I promise I want nothing to do with that girl. I promise. Please forgive me. I’m really sorry.” The pouty look he gave me, the sweet voice, the promising words. I can never stay mad at him. It’s impossible. “You promise?” He nodded in the cutest way possible. I just can’t help but forgive him. “Okay fine I forgive you, but you owe me a hug. I felt lonely without you.”

“We were only apart for an hour but sure. Come here.” He opened his arms for me and I jumped right into them. I don’t know why, but whenever I’m in his arms I feel safe. Like no one can hurt me because Mark is with me. It feels so comforting to have his arms wrapped around me. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, because Mark is a man and so am I, but I can’t help it. It’s just how I am.

I’ve never been a very social kid, only ever having Mark and a few others that have come and gone, but when the cute new kid comes up to me and says hi, I can’t help but say hi back. He has fluffy light brown hair, the cutest thin rimmed gold glasses, with dark brown eyes and the cutest dimples. I’m so distracted by his looks that I don’t notice he’s been asking me a question. “Math? You good?” Mark snaps me back to reality. “Um yeah. What was the question?”

“What is your name?”

“Oh sorry. My name’s Matthew.”

“So Math is just a nickname?”

“Yeah” Mark looks mad, and I don’t know why. He’s normally the one who likes people and talks to them. “My name is Andrew.”

“Nice to meet you Andrew.” Andrew and me talk all day. We have all the same classes except one. He even goes to the same church as me and Mark, as well as lives a few houses down from us, so he walks home with us. Mark hasn’t spoken to him once the entire day. He hasn’t even spoken to me and I’m starting to get worried. He’s normally very talkative. It scares me, as he’s only ever quiet when he’s mad. As we drop Andrew off at his house he says “Bye Math, see you tomorrow.” I say goodbye, but Mark says nothing. In fact he looked even angrier than he was.

As soon as we walked in the door he reveals his anger. “I don’t like the new kid.”

“Who, Andrew? Why not? He seems nice.” I say in the softest voice possible to hopefully not anger him any more. “He called you Math.”

“So? What’s so bad about that?” I asked confused on why he was being so protective of me. He’s never been like this before. Then again I’ve never met someone like Andrew. “Only I can call you that.”

“And why is that?” I raised my voice to him. Something I rarely ever do. I feel scared doing it, I don’t want him to be mad, but he is being unreasonable.

 “Because you’re mine!” He screamed at me, making my yell seem like a whisper. He’s never yelled that loud, it scares me. My eyes start to water as his eyes widen, at least he realizes what he’s done. “Math. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell.” He tries to apologize, but I don’t hear him. I’m already into my room, and this time I don’t forget to lock the door. “Math? Please let me in. I’m so so sorry. Math? Please?” Mark can try all he wants, I won’t fall for it this time. Who does he think he is? I’m not his, and I never have been. “I didn’t mean it like that. Okay? I just got… a little jealous okay?” I am my own independent person. I don’t need him. “Please let me in. We can talk about this. Okay? Please Math. I’m sorry now please let me in.” I’ll just wait till he leaves. He can’t stay here forever.  

It’s been silent for two hours. Good, I think Mark went home. I don’t want to see him right now. “Matthew! Come down! Dinner’s ready!” My mom shouted at the top of her lungs. I think she believes I’m deaf. I walk down our carpeted steps, that are filled with memories of me and Mark, and walk into the dining room, where I freeze at the doorway. Mark is still here. “Why is he here?”

“Well, he told us that you two got in a little argument earlier, and that he wanted to clear it up but you wouldn’t let him in. So we let him stay for dinner.” 

I knew there would be no getting him out of the house with my parents here, so I crossed my arms and sat down in my seat. “What happened between you two anyway? You’re never this distant” my mom asked innocently.

“Nothing happened.” I say before Mark can even open his mouth. I see him looking at me but I refuse to look back, instead I stare at my food without ever eating it. 

“I just got a little jealous, that’s all. He just overreacted a bit.” Mark explained

“I overreacted?! What about you? Didn’t you overreact? Why can’t I be friendly with other people? Why do I have to just stick to you? You’re so inconsiderate! Maybe I want more than one friend!” I scream at him. 

Of course he’s done things that made me mad before, but never like this. He’s never been so selfish and conceited. I run back up the stairs and into my room, making sure to slam the door. I flop down on my bed to calm down and snuggle up to my favorite stuffy, a big soft light brown teddy bear, appropriately named Teddy. Mark gave him to me when we were six, it’s my most prized possession. 

I throw it across the room, it gives me too many memories. Happy or not, I don’t even want to think about him right now. 

“Math? I’m coming in.” Crap, I forgot to lock my door. Whatever, I’ll just hide from him, in my big open room. All I can do is move to the corner of the bed. Mark walks in with a depressed look on his face. Not that I would care. 

“Math. Please tell me how I can make this better. I don’t like when you’re mad at me, and I know you don’t like it either.”

“You can make it better by going away.”

“Math you know that won’t help anything. We need to talk through this. So tell me, why are you so upset?”

“You wanna know why I’m so upset!?” I stick my head out of the blanket and pause, as I can’t think of any good reason of why I’m so mad at him. 

Sure he yelled at me, and he was selfish, but he didn’t mean it. I can’t give up though, I’ve gone too far. “Because you won’t leave me alone!” I almost screamed. I want to be mad at him, but my heart won’t let me. 

“Come on, you know that’s not why you’re upset. I know you’re not mad at me anymore. Okay? I’m so sorry.” He paused and looked at me with sincerful eyes. How can I say no to anything he says?

 “Do you want a hug? That always cheers you up.” I nod my head and crawl over to him, giving up on any plans of resentment. As much as I say I don’t need him and I want more friends, I really don’t. Being with Mark makes me happy, and that’s all I need. 

“What about Andrew?” I say, and his grip around me gets tighter. I know he doesn’t like Andrew, but I can’t just be mean to him the moment I see him. 

“Just, don’t get too close. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You know you won’t.”

“Yeah, but I just need to make sure.”

At this point, it’s already 8:30 at night, so we still have two and a half hours until we have to sleep, and of course Mark is sleeping over tonight. He doesn’t even have to ask. Until then we play on our phones in my bed, making sure to sneak peaks at each other every now and then. 

Suddenly, it’s 11:00, and I’m starting to feel drowsy. Mark already plugged in his phone and got into his pajamas, a grey tank top and some blue basketball shorts. 

Mark’s arms look so good in that shirt. His biceps bulge out, although they do in everything.  His calves are even better, so defined. He lays down with me in bed, like always, but today the atmosphere feels different. It feels different physically too, as I feel an arm snake around me and push me down. 

“Time to sleep” Mark says.

 I turn my body to face Mark, just to find him staring at me. As my eyes widen I say, “What’s wrong? Do I have something on my face?” He looks down for a moment then responds in a soft voice, “Nothing’s there, but there is something missing.”

“What’s missing?” I ask, super confused. “My lips on yours.” Mark says as he leans down to peck my lips. At first, I’m surprised. Mark’s never done anything like this before, but it felt so good, I wonder why we don’t do it more. So, after a minute of thinking and looking surprised, I kissed him back. We finally broke apart after what seemed like hours, and I could feel my face heating up. I turned around and said, 

“Goodnight.” I know it might be seen as cowardly, but I can’t face him after what we just did, I’m too shy. 

“Wait what? What if I want to continue?”

“Well that’s too bad. Goodnight Mark.”

“Ugg, goodnight Math.” He snuggled up behind me and put his arm around me. At first I tensed up, but after thinking about what we just did, this was nothing. 

“By the way, that line was way too cheesy” I said, replaying the events in my head.

 “I know, but you loved it” he replies back with a teasing voice. He sighs and says, “We should see a movie tomorrow. In the mall? We could go to our favorite restaurant too, enjoy a nice meal.” He said while nuzzling his head against my back. How could I say no? 

“Of course, sounds fun, now go to sleep, okay?” I turn around to face him, just to find him staring again, but he nodded his head and closed his eyes when I kissed him on his nose.

 I feel so good about what I’ve done, what we’ve done. I realized I loved him ages ago so I’m excited, but also scared. What if someone sees us, and tears us apart? I start to cry into Mark’s chest, thinking about all the possibilities, but he doesn’t notice. He’s already fallen asleep, but that’s fine, we’ll talk about it tomorrow. I fall asleep enjoying the comfort and safety of being wrapped in Mark’s arms, waiting for tomorrow to come.

After we woke up, and got ready, Mark drove us to our local mall for a movie. It was released a while ago so it was just us in the theatre. Needless to say we didn’t catch much of the movie. Afterwards, we went to our favorite restaurant, as promised, Antico. It’s a delicious pizza place that has been me and Mark’s place since we were little. 

As we sit down at our table, the table we always sit at in the back corner, Mark sits next to me. Which normally I wouldn’t notice, but this time he leans way to close to me, closer than usual. He ends up pushing me into the corner even more, so that no one can see us and whispers in my ear, “You’re blushing.” I hit him with all my strength and push him to the other side of the booth. Our pizza comes and at first we’re too hungry to talk, so I get through three slices of pizza before either of us mutter a word. 

As I start my fourth slice Mark says, “You still have the same appetite as when we were young. You could finish a whole large pizza by yourself.”

“Why would I eat the whole pizza when you’re here. I do care about you, you know. A lot actually.” I whisper the last part but I can tell he hears it. He smirks, making that face that I love and hate at the same time. 

“I like when you talk sweetly like that. It makes my heart light up.” Mark has always been one to tell you exactly what he’s feeling. Normally it isn’t that heart melting, but today I guess he’s feeling good. 

“Are you finished with your part of the pizza?” 

He nods with a loving look on his face. It’s good to know he still loves me even though my stomach is impossible to please.

Today is Sunday, which means going to church. Me and Math’s parents are super religious, which introduces a problem. We always go to church together, since we met in church when we were four. As we listen to our pastor talk I think deeply about his words. “Remember, homosexuality is something that is not easily forgiven! People will disown you! They will leave you! You will be forgotten. You don’t want that now do you?” 

After that church ended, and I couldn’t be paler. I can’t stand to look at Mark, even though I know he’s looking at me. I feel so empty inside. Like all my guts were scooped out by the pastor’s words. Mark tries to catch a ride with me back to my house, but I avoid him before he can ask. I need some time alone to think about what I’ve done.

There is apparently no stopping Mark what-so-ever. About an hour after we got home, he rang my doorbell, and my mom, not knowing anything, let him in. As soon as I heard the doorbell my heart started racing. I panicked so much that by the time I snapped back to reality, Mark was already opening my door. 

“Hey, Math. Why’d you ignore me after church today?” He waltzed right into my room like he owned it. Although to be fair to him he practically did. 

“I don’t want to see you today.” I said definitively while he sat down on my bed. 

“Well why is that? I always come here after church.” He’s so clueless it hurts. “Did you not hear anything the pastor said today!?” I screamed as quietly as possible, as I didn’t want to alert my parents to what was happening. 

He took a minute to respond, but finally he said, “Well, of course I did. But I knew he was wrong. And remember, last time, he talked about how love is the most important thing in any relationship. And I love you, so it’s okay.” While saying those sweet things that again melted my heart, but I knew that his ignorance was bliss and he wasn’t thinking about the repercussions of being together. 

“What if someone catches us? What happens then? We’ll be torn apart. I don’t want that.” I pause to sigh, hesitating to continue, “I love you. I realized I loved you for a while ago, and I really don’t want to lose you.” 

I don’t realize that I’ve started crying until Mark stands up and wipes my tears. “I won’t let that happen. I promise. As soon as we turn eighteen we’ll leave here and go someplace more accepting. I promise to take you away from here. Somewhere far away where we can be together.”

“Wow that’s a lot of commitment for only sixteen.” I joke with him, trying to lighten the mood. “But in all seriousness, I would love to go with you. I wish we could leave now.”

“Okay now hold your horses! We are in no way ready to leave right now. But when we’re eighteen, we will leave immediately!” Mark said in retaliation to my eagerness. I truly do love him, and I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with him. After all, we have already spent twelve out of fourteen years of our lives together. “So we just hide it until we turn eighteen?” I asked, as that doesn’t sound like the funnest idea, but I know we might have to. “Yes.” I sighed and laid down in bed. I don’t want to do that, but I don’t want to not be with Mark. He joins me in bed with a somber look on his face and says, “Just a year and a half. That’s all. I promise it’ll go by as quick as lightning.” I start to doze off in his arms as I think to myself, I hope he’s right.

Next thing I know, it’s six months later, and it’s finally my seventeenth birthday! The day goes by fast, as it’s filled with lots of presents and well wishes. After a birthday dinner fit for kings, me and Mark head up to my room. After we hear my parents door shut Mark scoots closer to me and we fall asleep in each others arms.

Now normally we’re out of my bedroom by 8:00 am, and we lock my door when we sleep so that no one catches us, but today we slept in. Causing my mom to have to wake us up. It’s too bad I forgot to lock the door, as when she opens my door she finds our bodies entangled. She said nothing, as I stared her down, fully awake and alert after she opened the door. As she slammed the door, I separated myself from Mark and ran downstairs.. My father’s face looked like he had just seen a ghost as he and my mother sat in the dining room together. It’s obvious my mother already told my father, as he said “Son, we need to talk.”

I’ll save you the details, but that “talk” ended horribly. I’m not one to lie, especially to my parents, so I told them all they wanted to know, and surprisingly, they just sent me up to my room and told me to send down Mark. I had kept my cool up until then, but when I got into my room, I broke down. Mark saw me and rushed over to see what was wrong, holding me in his arms for probably the last time. All I could say to answer his questions was, “My parents want you downstairs. After that all I heard was yelling. All the anger my parents had was released onto Mark. Then they sent him home and notified his parents. The tower of us fell down within one day. I was in despair as I walked down the stairs to my parents silently watching TV. Finally my father spoke in a strong rough voice, “You are never to see Mark again.” I only let a single tear fall in front of my parents, but as I rushed to my room and locked the door, it all came falling down. I cry myself to sleep that night, not even eating anything.

Three days later, and my parents finally say more than a couple words to me. “Mark has been sent to a conversion camp. You’re lucky we didn’t send you too.” After they said that they dragged me to church, no matter how much I fought. All throughout the sermon I was crying silently. Always stealing glances at Marks parents. When we get home, before I get to my room, my mom says, “Come down for dinner tonight. If you don’t do it voluntarily your father will come get you himself.” I nod once and walk to my room, crying for the rest of the day thinking about Mark.

During dinner that night the table is silent. My father’s face is like stone and my mother can’t even bear to look at me. I excuse myself five minutes into dinner, “I’m going to the bathroom.” My mother acknowledged my existence and nodded her head. I walked away slowly, my head bowed. 

I did what I said I was going to do, and I walked to the bathroom. When I went in, I broke down. I fell to my knees on the ground and sobbed. How could I let this happen? Now my love is gone, and I can never get him back. I looked around, thinking something I never thought I’d think. I found what I was looking for in my mother’s locked drawer. It’s too bad that she doesn’t even try to hide the key. After taking the blade out of her razor, I started filling the bathtub. I locked the door while I thought about the last six months. 

All the happy moments that could never be lost, but also the last three days, and all the pain that can never be taken away. At least no one will be in that pain when I’m gone. My parents hate me, and Mark is far away. The bathtub is full and I get in while silent tears fall down my face. I started doing what I thought I’d never do, and the pain is almost unbearable, but it is better than the pain I’d have to go through if I continued living. Those six months were euphoric, and I loved every bit of it. But the pain of Mark leaving is too hard to bear. As I lay in the bathtub waiting for death to embrace me, I ask God, “Why? Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be normal?”