I only live my standard routine day by day, nothing new to inform rather than how much my meter of aggravation and distress of attention rise to its peak. A person is a person and deserves a little if any the tiniest bit of recognition, especially when they’re doing nothing of the sort than to rather brighten up your day. To get that emotional connection that you feel extremely good about going home with, knowing you possibly could have lifted a dark piece stuck to someone. I’d rather have that happen than to what I feel now honestly. I try to show nothing than politeness and gratitude for the way I live and how I value every person around me, but I believe that’s just not how every single person believes and sees that way I guess. I don’t ever try to approach someone as if they’re any different as me. 

Mom has always told me to be such a polite person to any lady and whatever situation, that is all I ever do for such an enchanting gift from God. All I would love to do is show any woman how lucky they are to be the way they are and to strut what they’ve been blessed with. I couldn’t always help but give a response to whatever I liked or whatever I saw. Sometimes it gets me in trouble on how big and stupid my mouth could be but I honestly never, ever mean any harm. I would say something random to a woman whether I planned on saying a compliment or not but whenever something did come out of my mouth, I’d get bashed out on. I’d try to compliment their outfit or hair and from my response, they’d strike me or call me a pig. I’ve always had such a hard time with people, mainly relationships with women because of my choices in words. I guess they just saw me as a pervert. I’d be on a train on the way home from work, I’d be late as always to catch the door before it closes because I’d count every single concrete slab there was along the side of the river walk. All past the sides coffee shops and cabanas. Either way, normally there was a nice brunette lady who would always be at the same time and same destination travel, never missed a day when I would be coming home. She was an athletic type, liked I had said was a brunette, had a warm tone that glowed off her warm colorful skin, to me she was very pretty. I knew she was a random stranger to me but if I wasn’t just an average person to her, why would she constantly pull back the leaving time and hold the door back for me..? Knowing I would be late to where I would constantly miss the leaving time. My point is, was this only out of pity? Out of remorse if she hadn’t after the many of times? Was it out of niceness or was it just a fake thing to only help..? Did she feel sad for me? Like the reason why I’m always so late, does she know? That just gets my mind wondering though. Am I really that awkward to where people feel sorry for me?

Let’s just say I almost became extremely late from wondering and thinking about all of this on the way to the station after work. The whole situation has become an issue for me, it makes me feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t want to be seen as “that guy” who’s got something wrong with him and is dependent on other people. I didn’t wanna waste any more time though and hurried up to the station to get home. She was there like always but I just gave a quick smile since my thoughts and assumptions made me too embarrassed to face her, then quickly sat down in a seat. I was across from her when I had looked up to see her, looking down at her paperwork, trying to finish what she could while the train rocked back and forth from the old tracks that had multiple indents and damaged parts from kids coming late at night to destroy and spray paint whatever they could. It was probably aggravating to do with the tracks being so messed up but she kept herself together. It was honestly so fascinating watching her work. Her gaze was just so enchanting. I was starting to doze off and notice all the little things about this woman. Her eyes, a warm and comforting brown like pools of honey, her nose that would get scrunched up every second from a twitch, which I thought was cute. Her light blue acrylic nails that would pit and pat each second from something she found difficult on those sheets of paper. Eventually, she would get it through the rough spots and which brought a smile to my face. At this point, my cheeks have grown rosy and I wouldn’t stop staring at her until she felt the presence of my lookings and had risen from her work to face me. I had a late response to her gaze, scrambling to something to quickly change the situation as if I wasn’t staring for so long. I grabbed some random attorney’s newspaper from beside me and tried to make sure I wasn’t facing her. I heard her have a giggle and small remark but I was too embarrassed to even face her again. She had tried to get my attention again but I was too scared, mainly the whole time we had until our stops came along I was really just trying to avoid her. I ran off into my street and all the way home. I was running all the way then rushed to lock the door behind me as such as she was following me. I had felt relieved knowing I was away.

I had walked across the one-room apartment towards my mattress that was laid out on the floor, collapsing and finally taking a deep breath, coughing as if I had run a 5k and hadn't taken the time to remember I need air to live. After that little rerun of having the air go into my body once again, I had just laid spread out and having a hard look at my ceiling as if it was staring back at me. What had just happened..? What had I done from me not being able to control myself..? I’m extremely embarrassed but she had also laughed. Not like she spits on me or anything. I was having a happy moment to myself but at the same time, I didn’t really know how I felt from all that. I honestly have the worst people skills and always have the moment turn into something bad, ugly or just plain stupid by my words and actions. I could feel the pressure from self-hate gather up into my lungs and stomach, I was freaking out. I don’t understand why I was having such a hard time gathering my thoughts after this woman. It’s like she was playing me like a doll, controlling me by strings without saying a word, I’m just so complicated.

Come to think of it, since that metaphor had been about her not speaking a word to control me..I’m being controlled by a woman whose name I don’t even know. I don’t even know ANYTHING about this woman. EVER. I’m starting to become too stressed and eventually passed out into a deep slumber created from my anxiety.

The next day came around, me rushing out of the house for work to only sit at a desk for a 9-5 shift, how lovely. Normally this wasn’t such an issue to me but all I could possibly do was think about this woman. What has she done to me? It’s making me way more nervous on the fact a woman is showing interest to a certain point instead of me making the first, awkward move and then messing it up based off my big mouth. I’m nervous I’ll woo her off by something I would do to freak her out. I just want to have a good connection with someone, for them not to be afraid of me. I swear I’m not a horrible person, I’m just looking for a good person to be involved in my life without any complications, but I can’t avoid those complications come from me though, so that’s why I’m having such a hard time maintaining a friend. I’m always losing people because of how I make my appearance. As I said, women think I'm a pervert by just trying to find a friend.

I was trying not to worry about it so much especially since I’m at a business building, for work, which keeps a roof over my head so I need to keep my pace going so I continued to work. The last 20 minutes of my shift had been cut so I snuck away early into the company bathroom to make myself look for approachable for when I get back to the station to get home, where I know I’m going to lock eyes with this woman again. This time though I’m not going to back down from speaking to her. Obviously, this woman has me feeling a certain way now over a quick glance and constant door holding, not really the greatest reason for me to feel the way I do but it’s a great way to strike up a conversation. Have my luck get going since I’m feeling attracted.

Man did it put chills up my spine to know in just a few minutes I’m gonna have to change my persona entirely, overcome my anxiety and if anything. She was driving me insane. I was too much in a rush to get it over with I even came to the train 20 minutes early before she showed up to normally wait for me. I was so eager to get it all out of the way, but with no choice, I just sat there in the same seat from yesterday in like a puddle of my nerve-wracking sweat. I had overworked myself just to make sure I hadn’t messed up my words in my head to myself for when I do open my mouth. The train started to fill up one by one, my eyes darting from each person to check for a half a second to the dirty, metal train floor. Making sure I know when she’ll come aboard but not to be creepy to have her know I’m only looking for her.

7 minutes later, which felt like 7 hours, I had heard the nice and sensitive pattern of heeled footsteps walk aboard onto the floor platform. Trying to stay as still and quiet, acting naturally as I could for her not to know I was waiting for her. Once again she had started on paperwork, this was honestly me getting in the way of me sparking up a conversation. I tried multiple things to grab her attention, I decided to just try what I normally would do. I had walked over, sat beside her and at first kept quiet. She gazed at me as if she was frightened or in need, jumping a few inches above the from where she had sat, over to the 3 seats. I became more involved and more cleared tone with a hint of straight forward and stern. She hadn’t been so happy with the way I was approaching her. ‘May I help you sir?’ she glanced with a puzzled look at me. “You know I’ve been noticing you from around, a really good move for a lady like you to hold up time for a guy like me.” I had said with a sly face to see her smile. “I’m only doing what a normal and respectful person would do. “ She replied.

“How about you tell me what you’re really about, first on informing me what’s your name?” My body took over and had me put my hand right over her thigh, almost at the trim of her skirt.

The anger had grown from passive to majorly aggressive from that stupid move. She had grabbed my hand and forearm from her space, piling my body weight over her own standing to the metal, dirty floor below her. My back hitting against the platform, having my only response by me looking up to face her in shock. Everyone had been staring at this point.

What exactly was I thinking? How smart was that..?

She had taken her papers, striking me with them multiple times as if she was trying to correct me, I was the mistake in that situation. Others had started gathering in to jump in against me for the safety of the woman who was just considerably, harassed. Second, by second the beatings would get larger and violent, while the laughter and cursing against me would get louder.

“Trash”

“Schmuck”

“Prevert”

I heard the words seep out of this woman’s mouth while I was ganged up on. The train had stopped from the commotion, pulling the emergency brakes, having the doors fly open and watch the woman and multiple people fly out with her. I had known I was getting tortured at this point so I had risen to shove my way out of the crowd of people, and into the street before me on my hands and knees. The train slowing started moving away while the people screamed and cussed.

I had risen up to brush myself off, angerly. I had been angry at myself and the situation. I truly was a sick pig, but that broad embarrassed me in front of people for trying to be nice. The anger flowed through my veins, like a water stream downhill, which was enough for me to gather myself to rush after this woman. Having a small and quick “chat.“ A few roads down, after the tracks and into some alleys, I had managed to find this woman who is starting to enter her building after all these ladies in a flock to get her home safely was starting to die off and walk away. My anger was in full control now.

I had snuck right in throw the garden ladder with the glass panel just ajar open, softly I had made my way to where she was. The anger so overwhelmed me that I couldn’t help any longer how each female has always treated me.. Especially after this one. Public humiliation? Cursing my name? Let’s just say I found her, not being able to speak without a tongue of any words. Do not pull someone under that bad of place with that tone, now you’ll never have a tone to express with.