Hope’s Life of Lies

“Hope! Come down now, you have to be in school early today, you have the SAT test,” my mom hollers upstairs to me.

Shoot, I didn't realize how late it was. I close my textbook after skimming it over once again and I tumble out of bed and toss on my old cross-country sweatshirt from freshman year. “Coming Mom!” I scream as I run down the stairs.

“Honey, remember, you have no stress. The SAT only determines the rest of your life, but your father and I know you will do amazing,” my mom says as her eyes connect with mine and stare right through me.

No stress, who is she kidding?! “Ok Mom, can we just get going, I don't want to be late.”

“Yes, Hope, we can get going, but I just want you to know that we believe in you. You are excellent, and we know you can get into Harvard.”

“Mom I don’t need your pep talks. I GET ALL A’S IN ALL MY CLASSES, WHICH ARE ALL HONORS AND AP CLASSES!! I’M EVEN RANKED #1 IN THE STATE FOR CROSS COUNTRY! I know for sure I will get into Harvard,” I say while breath in to stand up tall, and muster a look of sheer determination on my face.

“Honey, your father and I just want you to become your best possible self,” she says as the slightest quiver in her voice seeps out.

Obviously my sister Margot found her way into this situation even though it's been 4 years; I still have pressure to become what she would have been. I can still remember the day when we found her in her room, passed out.  We brought her to the hospital and it was only hours before she died; her body had consumed too much heroin to live. My heart aches every time I think about it.

When we finally arrive at school, I am shaking and my feet are numb. A cold sweat trickles down my left cheek, and I reach out and touch the open car door to steady myself.

“Honey, are you okay?” my mom asks as she takes a quick glance towards me with her eyebrows raised.

“It's nothing, I'll do fine,” I reply as I shut the car door quickly and walk away. I stuff my hands in my pockets and drag my feet behind me.

As I open the rusty front door to the never-ending school building, I take a deep breath and suck up my emotions. I turn down the hallway on my right, and then I turn left and into the testing room. I am greeted by a pungent smell of nervous sweaty bodies and the stiffness of a quaint room. I notice the desks neatly arranged in rows going up and down and I pick a seat somewhat in the back.

“Welcome students! Today is the day many of you have either looked forward to, or dreaded for the past 3 years of high school. Remember, you can always retake your test, so you should not feel too stressed out,” Mr. McBrian states in front of 50 other juniors. Apparently, according to Mom, it “looks bad” to retake your SAT. I'm not even sure how Harvard would know. I glance around and I see shaking, hands in heads, fingernails being bitten, and quick studying being done. “Ms. Bej and I will pass out the booklets, please do not begin until I tell you to do so.” Ms. Bej? I have no clue who what this.

Once all the booklets are out, and everyone looks like they are going to puke, Mr. McBrian says, “You may begin.”

Feverishly, I open my test booklet, and my mind goes blank. The words start moving all over the page and everything around me starts shaking. Hope! Get your head in the game, you can do this.

The first question is a quick grammar question; I easily get that answer. Next, all I have to do is read a story and answer some questions on my comprehension, but as I begin to read the story the words float all over the page and I can’t see straight. I have so much pressure on my shoulders. I have to do well, this decides my future. I have to make my parents proud.  I rub my palms on my pants.

I look over and see my friend Ashley’s paper. She is an even better student than I am and her answers to the reading comprehension are right there. I could take her answers and then do the rest by myself. Only a few answers. I’m not going to get them right if I try to do it myself. I am too nervous, I can’t do this myself.  I have to cheat, it is the only option, right?

Quickly, I glance over again and record Ashley’s answers. Few! Good thing I was sly. “HOPE PARKER! Come outside!” CRAP! MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRR! I scoot out of my chair and hurry out. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” Mr. McBrian screams as his eyes narrow down at me.

I start shuddering and breathing uncontrollably, I drag my feet as I walk up to his desk. “Yes?” I manage to peep out.

“Hope, you have lost my trust, and there will be extreme consequences in the near future for you. I am going to call your parents and you are going to be taken out of this test session. I will put this on your record, and you will not be able to take the SAT’s again until next year. Cheating is an immense offense and you need to learn your lesson. You also will be suspended for two days,” he says while a vein bulges out of his neck and his lips pressed together.

“Okay, I am very sorry,” I sniffle in and try to hold myself back. I will not be able to go to college next year since I won’t have taken the SAT. Oh my god, I also will have a suspension and a cheating offense on my permanent record, MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL ME!

As I walk outside I pace around and tug on the hem of my shirt. While I wait for my mom to pick me up, I glance at the time on my watch, and  I twist the ring on my finger back and forth. I continuously bite my lip until I taste blood. Could time move any slower? It seems like I have been waiting for an hour, when she finally pulls up in her car.

“Hope, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” my mom screams as she I open the door, her fists are clenched.

Oh no, she is pissed off. I better choose my next words carefully.

“Mom, I HATE BEING PERFECT. I HATE HAVING THE STRESS OF TRYING TO BE WHAT MARGOT WOULD HAVE BEEN. I HATE HAVING TO GO TO HARVARD. I HATE HARVARD, I HATE COLLEGE!” I shout with my hands on my hips as we walk to the car.

“WHAT?!” My mom lights up with fury.

“Mom, I want to travel the world, walk on the great wall of China, climb Mt. Everest, swim in the Great Barrier Reef, go to Ecuador, and live on the edge. I am sick and tired of countless pep talks that bring even more anxiety into my life, I don’t want to be that perfect daughter! I want to live in this world and make a difference. I don’t want to be a stupid lawyer. I want to discover my true passion, but first I want to fly on a plane for the first time in my life,” I say with the most confidence I’ve had in a long time.

“Hope, what are you saying? We have been supporting your dreams. You’ve always wanted to be a lawyer. Don’t lose your cool because of your offense. You want to be a lawyer,” my mom says with her arms crossed.

“MOM! Stop, I don’t want to be a lawyer, I never have,” I say as I sigh deeply and clench my fists.

“Hope, this is not you. You are my perfect, wonderful daughter who is going to become an amazing lawyer,¨ she says with a flash of anger in her eyes.

“If you can’t accept what I want to do with my life then that's your problem, not mine, because I will do whatever I want to do. This is my life, I want to live it for me, not for you,” I say with my head held high. “I am not Margot.”

“I’m sorry Hope. Margot's death has been hard on all of us. I just want you to become your best self, because her life ended before she could. I admit that we have been tough on you, but it’s to help you,” she says as she leans forward with her eyes wide. “Let's talk about this at home, but I want you to know that you are our only daughter now. There always will be more pressure and attention on you that you need to accept, but your father and I will try to put less expectations on you from now on,” she says as she pulls me into a bear hug.

“I love you Mom, but know that Margot will always be your daughter,” I reach over and touch her heart, “In here.”

“Thank you honey. You are the best blessing I have ever received. Now, let's get going, and don't think I've forgotten your cheating.”