I was told that if I write in here it might focus me off of the symptoms of my meds and my cutting. Although I don’t know what to write about I know the therapist reads it so I’m only going to say simple things until we get into the other stuff in our one on one sessions. I know these things because I have two friends that have therapist, they hate it so much….and I’m beginning to understand why. Depression isn’t this serious I’m honestly not worth all this and I don’t need meds for sadness everyone says it’ll get better anyway. Honestly I don’t really believe them but it’s better than saying to their face that what they’re saying is a load of crap, when they are only saying it out of kindness I don’t want to hurt them or make them feel wrong in anyway. Is that just me again?!

I think this is the kind of stuff I’m supposed to write…. I only write in here for like 30 minutes after I take my meds or when I really really feel like “inflicting self harm”. That happens a lot more often than you’d think, unfortunately, I write in here then stop for an hour or so, then start again, usually on the same topic, sometimes it’s off. I can feel my family’s disappointment everywhere I walk, as long as they’re around me or in the room I feel it; I feel like drowning not because of my family this time but because I never get to hang out with my friends they think it’ll increase my depression and it’s unsafe. In all respect they are my safe spot I know you don’t know me as well as you think.

It’s too early I’m not supposed to stay up like this anymore because there is risk that it can increase my “stress”.   I don’t think I’m stressed until I spend time with my family, sometimes we have these family days where we sit down in the living room and watch tv all day, attempt to make conversation and play board games. This is what I meant last time I just stopped writing in here and listened to music and close my eyes for like 2 hrs, I get to do that because I’m home alone and can pretty much do what I want. They are lying…..it’s not real...no way and no Ms. Stace I’m not going to talk about anything, anymore, no matter what.
I hate me, everybody is saying they are too fat but I feel too skinny. Are you happy now Ms. Stace, I said what you wanted?! I wish I didn’t have to do this, if I only I wouldn’t have opened up to my step mother after she had seen my newest old blades in the trash along with a few old lighters. Ms. Stace said gum would help me focus more but she never said on what on my thoughts or...I don’t know, I don’t really wanna ask so I’ll just write it since she reads this. I fell asleep again stepmother says that’s a bad sign but I looked it up and google said that kids my age get that much sleep because of our bodies and minds growing so HA. I hope stepmother doesn’t read this because I just wanted to say that I hate her she takes my friends then she decides to take basically my life, she is making me sleep in the living room during a specific time at 10 pm till 9 am, till she thinks I’ll sleep on a schedule. She’s just retarded, how is she gonna know that I won’t sleep, I know, I know, JESUS Ms. Stace, I K N O W, I’m sorry for saying retarded because it’s a “bad word” but if you heard the things on say daily you honestly wouldn’t think that.

What are feeling words, I don’t want to talk about feelings if that’s what you mean I’m numb anyway, so there you are, that’s my everyday feeling. It’s like 2am and my stepmother was half asleep till I walked out of my room to go to the kitchen but she woke up. My step mother told me why I only have her to look over us and no one else, I don’t have words Ms. Stace I know she told you by the way I want to talk about it next time. This feels weird all of it just having a therapist having someone to talk to I know that a lot of people have them but I don’t know I don’t like it, it’s a bad weird...like me, there’s already too much for me to deal with….. like school…..and you know just me being alive.

I’m only supposed to write in here 5 times a week, 7 by choice that is if I think that this stuff helps, this writing stuff, I guess it helps I haven’t really cut or anything like that….I don’t know, I’ll think. Yeah, okay okay, I know I’m not really supposed to think for more than 3 minutes in yous guys eyes, but I can’t help it sometimes I trail off, sometimes I just get caught in the thought that I die and no one notices or everyone notices and celebrates, I don’t know what they would do I just assume that they would be happy or not care all in all. Ms. Stace who else reads this…...just you right? Why didn’t you answer my question today I just wanna know… like what if you were writing something private between only two people would you want a different person reading it without your knowledge. Huh?

I had to go to the counselor this morning they said someone spotted several small cuts on my forearm and worried…..what happened was someone pulled on my hood and I wasn’t paying attention and my jacket came off….I tried to put it on as quick as I could to prevent this morning. Someone attempted to look over my shoulder at lunch I was getting upset and started writing this but ended up erasing it while they were looking over and then I stared at him because I had no words….. Today my aunt was talking to my step mother actually it was more like yelling and fighting they were arguing about something dumb that soon became serious! Step mother started yelling at her for how she takes care of her child and that she would never let her babysit me for a reason seeing how her son grew up, then my aunt said, and I quote, “No, I never babysat him because you are selfish and you think your way is always better but do you see how he turned out he’s a disgrace, a disappointment, you never ever payed attention and now he’s depressed all because of you!!”

I didn’t think she meant it till she left for good, she hasn’t come back she usually does by now, I was worried about her so I cried again, I was worried that I’m the reason she left, I’m the reason they argued. I can feel it again Ms. Stace….I can’t tell you in person but I feel it, I know it, I’m getting worse, I told you this dumb stuff wouldn’t work, I know it doesn’t work. This only makes it even worse the more I think, the more I cry and then I write in this about my thoughts and cry more and more and more. “Hate is a strong word” is what you told me yesterday when I yelled I hate myself and fell into your arms after smacking myself a thousand times but I was only being honest I know it’s a strong word but I do I hate myself, so much, even my friends aren’t convinced that I’m happy anymore, they think that I’m hiding something from them…..they aren’t wrong.

I don’t have anything to say I haven’t had anything to say the whole day but I have to write something or I’ll just have to go there more, to the therapist’s office. So I guess to make you happy Ms. Stace, I will give you a feeling word, I am upset with myself and I have nothing more to say; I’m done with this stupid thing for the week.

The love of my life thinks I’m a weirdo because I write in a “diary” I said “It’s not a diary it's a booklet and my therapist said so” which didn’t help. I’m tired of people leaving me, I’m so tired of all of this….is that a feeling word? Do you think, Ms. Stace, that one day it’ll actually get better, that one day I’ll be “happy”? I don’t think so, I think Im only going to get worse per usual, I always get worse…..did you just say I’m only 15 and by the way there is no rule stated that I can’t pull out my booklet during sessions so shut up. Yes, I know how old I am you don’t have to tell me over and over, and yes, of course I know that I’m suffering from depression and that it’s a difficult thing to get over, I know these things and by repeating them it only makes it more real that it’s there.

Why do you ask all the questions in the world? What do you mean, why didn’t I want a therapist and to be tested? I didn’t want a therapist because I think it’s stupid, this whole thing is stupid and I didn’t want to get tested because at least before I could go to school and pretend, not only just pretend but sometimes think maybe I am happy, maybe I just cry too much and just think I’m depressed, possibly I’m just pretty sad, and maybe I cut and do other things for the attention like my old friends said. Thinking….thinking…..thinking, that’s all I do now apparently, at least that is what stepmother’s new boyfriend says, he also says he wants to get to know me, to be close to me but I don’t want him to be “close”. Everyone and I mean everyone, leaves me after they get close because no one wants to be close to someone depressed unless they’re more depressed/the same level, okay, sorry Ms.Stace for apologizing so much, I am pretty sorry for, well you know, writing to you instead of talking, it’s just not my thing, it makes me feel weak.

Am I really a depressing person, like when you’re around me do you feel depressed or sadder than you normally are? Everyone was making fun of me today, because someone saw me going into the therapist office and they told everyone in the flippen world. Like what the hell Kasey nobody likes your loud mouth for a reason, I wanted to hit her in the face but I’m a guy so instead I cried in the bathroom of my house because I’m not allowed in my room, so I ended up being yelled at by my stepmother’s boyfriend….let’s just call him Donkeyhead, he banged on the door and yelled at me for hogging the bathroom, then my stepmother came home and he yelled at her for me not getting out of the bathroom, she explained that I can’t come out right now, I don’t know what she said but he stopped yelling, at me...at her. I continued crying then, I heard a slide against the door along with muffled sobs that weren’t mine, this time the tears were my stepmother’s, all it did was make me cry harder, I hate me why am I still alive why couldn’t he have triple checked the condom or pulled out sooner, just why. Sorry Ms. Stace for the image, I didn’t mean it for you to see, I didn’t erase it in time, that was on me, didn’t meant to say sorry either.

What if I told you I was “happy”? Would you believe it? Would you stop making me go to the therapy? Would I stop having to write in this stupid journal? Today someone asked me if I am a girl and if I have girl parts, I should be a girl I act like one I wouldn’t be a bad looking or acting girl, I guess. People say I would so why not right, I guess I can be gay or something, I already hate me, I feel like I’m annoying and no girls like me so whatever.

Sooo today someone told me that depression is white people stuff, I mean I am white but it doesn’t make sense, I don’t think I should be on meds Ms. Stace they aren’t helping they are only making me bipolar you noticed right? NO, I did NOT say change the meds, I said take me off all meds, it’s only more tempting, you’re so dumb and I mean that in all honesty!! I really don’t like that sometimes I’ll open up my book, pencil in my hand ready to write something then I forget what I was just about to talk about it’s really aggravating, like have you ever walked into a room and completely forgotten what you we're about to do or get from that room. I don’t know I’m not in a sad mood at the moment just pissed but I don’t know why earlier I was about to cry but no tears would come out so I just sat and thought for a long time about random stuff and ended up getting really mad this is weird I’ve never not been sad before I guess this stupid thing is helping, I don’t know.

I’m back to being sad it’s been about 4 hrs and it’s 6am I have to go to school in a little bit unfortunately, Ms. Stace you told me that staying up too long just makes me sadder but today you just avoided it all together you said “Hi, how are you?”... Are you okay? Am I making you depressed too? I wish you could read this right now like as I write it you’re just reading along, the led burning into the paper, the blades against my skin I wish you could see it all, everything I just wish you were here I have no one to talk to about this, I can’t write it because you still haven’t told me if someone else reads this which I highly doubt but still. You didn’t know? I thought you knew, hahaha, that’s weird I thought I told you, well yeah I self diagnose myself all the time because I ended up being right about my depression, why not about everything else……..no I don’t want to be a doctor, I just think it’s cool I think I have ADHD because I’m always doing things and saying things that people with ADHD do as well. Speaking of thoughts I was thinking earlier, about me and why my stepmother puts all of this work into me maybe she actually cares about me, or maybe she just doesn’t want to deal with me so she put me into therapy...I hope it’s the second reason because I treat her like raw meat I don’t know why, Donkeyhead does it too he hurts us all with only his words, I’m so useless like what am I used for nothing except well you know Ms. Stace, he hurts me so much he is so rude physically and mentally, I thought he wanted to be close to me…..if that’s his strategy it’s not working.

I wrote a lot yesterday I didn’t even realize it… oh well I guess that’s good in your opinion Ms. Stace. I know this is weird but I wanted to give you a hug yesterday you just seemed different, I didn’t do it because I didn’t know if it would be awkward for you. My stepmother reads this too, doesn’t she?! I ask because when I came out today she was like “Awwwwwwwww” and had a huge smile of her flippen face, like why couldn’t you have told me I wouldn’t have written that other thing.
I just read thru all of what I’ve written it’s really upsetting if I were you I would’ve stopped reading from the start and then told me that life isn’t for everyone. I guess it’s just me because I want to die so…. This booklet is a lose, lose situation because it makes others bully me and it doesn’t help you at all seriously Ms. Stace how does this help you, it only shows you that all your hard work isn’t working, don’t you realize that all I’m doing is bringing you down even more than you already are, yeah don’t pretend that I don’t notice that you are pretty sad as well as me,? well not like me most likely not depressed because I’m sure they wouldn’t let you be a therapist, right?
I feel like nothing, I feel like I can be blown away like dust,      like one day someone will see me and use me to their best advantage and then blow me away   just a big pile of dumb dust……..I shaved my head, my stepmother saw it and turned away, I used Donkeyhead’s shaver thing I think he’s mad at me for using it but I don’t care anymore, I’m too tired to care…...being tired is a funny thing it has three meanings, sleepy, bored and in bad condition, but who really thinks it’s the third meaning most people just say oh okay, I’ve always wondered why people don’t ask of what or why, that’s what I would ask if someone told be that but no one talks to me because people hate me, but I don’t care about that either because why would you like someone who doesn’t even like themselves, aren’t you’re just wasting your time, I mean I like someone who doesn’t like themselves so let me not be a hypocrite right now. Donkeyhead just smacked my stepmother so hard and shoved his ugly finger in her face so I pushed him over on the floor and told him that he doesn’t belong here and to go away and never come back, I immediately regretted it and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. Why do I have to be here? Can you kill me Ms. Stace...please??? Why would I say that? What if I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time? What would he have done to me? Is stepmother okay? Why did he even have to come here in the first place? Why am I such a disgrace? ….My aunt was right I’m just a disappointment, a weak depressed little cry baby!

I cry wayyy too much the couch cushion is too wet for me to lay down and sleep so I sat up to look around the corner and see if stepmother was awake…...dammit she is, she looks so miserable she looks like me when I’m thinking, except when I think I have a hot blade to my wrist not pulling on my sleeves like she is, actually it looks alot like me, she’s zoned out staring at the wall not breathing ( it doesn’t look like she is at least) and there’s a ocean of tears streaming down her face, yep looks a lot like me…. Ms. Stace is….is stepmother depressed?!?! I know I shouldn’t be worrying about this but I just wanna know, I’m worried about her I know that’s strange for me to worry, I always told you that things like that are gross and that she’s the worst person right after Donkeyhead but she loves me enough to go thru all of this, even though I’m not worth it, so I just wanna know just that one question, nothing more, nothing less.

It’s almost 2011 I don’t know if I want it to be because I wanted to take so many people to the next year with me but they all left…...it’s been really cold lately but I don’t mind because now I have an excuse to wear long sleeves now, yay I think.
 

I haven’t had much to say today I don’t know why, today has just been really weird like you came over to our house for our session this time and then you walked into my room opened my drawers and threw away ALL of MY BLADES and LIGHTERS and other items!!!!!! Woman are you crazy, I will murder you, you do know I can buy more I still have money, you dummy ughhh, I wish I could murder you but I can’t there’s too much evidence in this dumb booklet thingy, maybe I should buy a lighter and burn this! HUH? How would you like that if I got rid of all my “progress” just like you got rid of my happiness? NO, it isn’t good to let out anger like that you are dumb, I don’t want to let out anger because when I’m done I feel bad and cry, you...mmmm all the names I’m thinking of right now, I’m sure you’re not too dumb to know the names I’m thinking.

I guess I did have something to say after all ,oh well it’s my BEDTIME so I guess I should put this away.

Is know it’s not just me who has attempted to commit suicide? I’m just asking because people at school are scared of death, they’re just like ahh I’m too young to die….. but I’m just here like I’ve tried to die 4 times and failed, see Ms. Stace I’m such a failure I can’t even kill myself correctly. Like would you please teach me how to tie a noose or load and shoot a gun or where to cut on your….oh wait you threw away ALL my blades, you’re just a cuphead Ms. Stace, like seriously, what is wrong with you?!!
 

Have you ever just had your eyes fog out for a little and you’re too lazy to focus them so you just sit there looking at pure blur for awhile, that’s exactly how  I feel right now, like pure blur, unnoticeable, I feel like I could be sitting right in front of you screaming at the top of my lungs, dying and you wouldn’t even notice me. I wish I really was just blur, then no one would notice me and I could do anything other than be depressed or happy or therapy, I wouldn’t feel anything just something no one really cares about or needs and no one can possibly understand how much I’d love that…. to be invisible.
 

I wish I knew like me if I wasn’t depressed like who would I be if I was happy, kinda like a multiverse where there are several different versions of you in different universes...you know what I mean. I hate hate hate when people say that it’s bad to hold things in, or it’s okay to cry, or, hahaha, or you can talk to me whenever you know that right. 1st of all, I hold things because people have their own problems to worry about I don’t want to be added, 2nd off, crying doesn’t do any good for anyone, even tho I do it way more than I thought, and 3rd why should I talk to you when everyone I talk to leaves me. So thanks but no thanks, I’m fine, crying myself to sleep, holding everything in and saying “I’m fine” no matter how I feel is basically routine now. I know you’re trying to be kind but I’d rather just zone out and not talk to people, except my therapist and even her I don't wanna talk to, no offense Ms. Stace.

I usually have nothing to say on the last days I don’t know why, I guess Fridays are kinda like my good days, I’m weird right…. Because today this girl was like “The only decent person here is him.” and then she pointed at me I looked up and was like me? This is weird because I had someone to play with during gym because she’s in all of my classes, it was just really strange. Me? Decent?! She must’ve just been mad at her friends today, maybe she’ll hate me again tomorrow, even tho I don’t even know if she ever hated me, what if she always liked me and never showed it or did and I’m just a ninny.
How many times do I have to write in here, I was never told because I never found the time to ask, we always get right to the point when we have our sessions. Is it like that for everyone?

I’m done this stupid thing isn’t working I wish to die, maybe I’ll go to sleep tonight and never wake up, that’d be the best dream ever….nothing really happened today, I didn’t really do anything but be depressed and suicidal and useless. Yep, no progress, that’s what you wrote in your notebook, I saw it when it was tilted a little bit in your arms, well actually it said “Not progressing...” same difference though right.
 

I love this girl, not literally, but she’s funny and girly, which usually doesn’t work together, annoying and girly, yes, uptight and girly, yes, slutty and girly, yes, but never have I ever met a funny and girly girl, I’ve just never seen it work out like her personality does. I don’t want to be a girl anymore, I’m sure you can tell why, I guess she just changed my perspective as in I like girls now or both I’m not sure.

I didn’t cry yet today, is that good? I think it just means I’m more numb but who knows, I don’t really like feelings so I usually block them out. Is that bad Ms. Stace…..I miss you….I miss my aunt…. I wish she could read this too, you know only the part that I miss her, although I wouldn’t care about any of the other parts. Luna (the girl) told me that listening to music will drown out my thoughts, I’ve never tried, I’ve never told her the thoughts I have, only that I think a lot, am I wrong to be telling her things, it feels wrong. I hate “feeling”, like what is this, torture! Feels like it…. like how a simple blush can make everything so awkward or having nothing to say, holding your breath because you don’t want to say the wrong thing and drive them away.

Sorry Ms. Stace I meant to say “Happy” New Years!, but as you can see by my quotations there’s nothing “happy” about this year “yet” as you would say. I hate that word “happy” everyone has their own “happiness”, there’s money, love, family, a house, a car, a job, or you can be greedy and when your not “happy”,  you make sure others around you aren’t either. I just think that “happy” is another word to describe things that hide your pain, that’s what Luna is a substitute, she’s moving into one of my empty spaces and placing feelings in it as decorations, but there’s still pain there, I’m just focused on the new thing, the thing different from everything else….. that’s all, by the way you should suggest music Ms. Stace, it drowns some of your thoughts most of the time.

My stepmother wants to take away the music, she doesn’t know why I listen to it I guess, she also said that Donkeyhead doesn’t like it and that I listen to it too much and that I’m never listening to her…. yeah umm that’s kinda the point, I don’t wanna listen to her or Donkeyhead or the people at school or my thoughts, even though I like school because it gets me away from Donkeyhead and step mother and Luna’s there...at school.
I don’t really like me, so how does Luna like me, shouldn’t you like someone who is you know ”happy”, but she doesn’t know I’m not “happy”, I don’t hide it very well. Ms. Stace, Luna could be like your daughter she has sleek large black curls that fall to her stomach most times, unless she has her hair up and gorgeous bronze eyes behind her ocean blue rimmed glasses, she has soft brown skin, brown like roasted marshmallow brown, but you’re black all the way, she on the other hand is mixed with hispanic and native american, also you don’t wear glasses and your hair is medium rather than extra long. Also Ms. Stace you’re passive aggressive, she’s assertive and pretty aggressive.

I’m done talking about her my face gets way too hot, I feel like a friggin weirdo.
Day 3 Week 3 Year 2011

My head hurts, my eyes burn, I feel like I’m dying, like a bad dying, like burning to death, since when did crying for 2 hrs hurt so much. I have been rubbing my eyes a lot more, but I don’t even know why I’m crying, I don’t really have a reason, only that my head is spinning, all thoughts, “Not progressing, useless, disappointment, not enough, ugly, Luna, Luna, Luna, Luna, disgusting, depressed, more Luna….” my thoughts when on and on “happy”, mad, and sad! Why do I, blech, feel, so ughhhh, what is this, if these are emotions I hate them just as much as feelings. You know how much I hate feelings Ms. Stace
Geez sorry for not putting the “r”, Mrs. Stace, Did your husband get mad or something? I’m pretty sure therapist aren’t supposed to yell at their patients, I don’t know if that’s why you seem sad but it seems like it. I’m only getting worse...I cut all over my thighs today, it felt awesome like a relief off my mind, like my “feelings” and “emotions” were lifted for a while.
Day 3 Week 3 Year 2011

I’m getting even worse, I can’t take this anymore Mrs. Stace, Im gonna kill myself today, I’m at my aunts, I asked to go this morning. Her 2 sons we're only making my need, my crave for death grow, I have my pills all laid out, a hot blade pushed against my skin along my main vein, and the sink is right here, I’m gonna shove all the pills in my mouth, slice my vein, then I’m gonna swallow the pills, all of them, and if I don’t die from 1 I’ll die from the other, I love you, and Mom, and my Aunt Anissa, and Luna, oh God I love Luna so much, she almost makes me wanna live, but if my family doesn’t even love me why would she...okay goodbye to all forever, my eternal “happiness” is death, goodbye everyone, I want you to show this to everyone I love Mrs. Stace, I need to stop stalling. Okay okay bye forever….
I could’ve helped him...this is Anissa, if only I would’ve known he was listening, if only I would’ve kept my mouth shut, or paid attention to them this morning. I know this is my fault, it’s what I said, I can’t hold this anymore……..

My head hurts, my eyes burn, I feel like I’m dying, like a bad dying, like burning to death, since when did crying for 2 hrs hurt so much. I have been rubbing my eyes a lot more, but I don’t even know why I’m crying, I don’t really have a reason, only that my head is spinning, all thoughts, “Not progressing, useless, disappointment, not enough, ugly, Luna, Luna, Luna, Luna, disgusting, depressed, more Luna….” my thoughts when on and on “happy”, mad, and sad! Why do I, blech, feel, so ughhhh, what is this, if these are emotions I hate them just as much as feelings. You know how much I hate feelings Ms. Stace
Geez sorry for not putting the “r”, Mrs. Stace, Did your husband get mad or something? I’m pretty sure therapist aren’t supposed to yell at their patients, I don’t know if that’s why you seem sad but it seems like it. I’m only getting worse...I cut all over my thighs today, it felt awesome like a relief off my mind, like my “feelings” and “emotions” were lifted for a while.