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3,000 Miles of Insanity
Author's note:
I was inspired to write this by my teacher. I was missing my best friend who also killed herself and I needed a way to cope. This stroy is my way of dealing with life and it's struggles.
“Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
Blank stare.
“How does being here make you feel?”
Blank stare.
“Are you going to talk to me? It won’t help if you don’t talk to me about what’s going on.”
Blank stare.
“You have to stay longer. You can’t leave until you cooperate. You should start soon, you've been here for twenty two days, things won’t get better until you do.” The Big Doctor sad with a serious face.
I got up and left. Honestly, what was the point of telling your life story to someone who really doesn’t care? There was none. I’m a sixteen year old boy, I don’t give a f*** about therapy. I obviously tried to get out of this s*** whole world for a reason. As I stepped out of the room I looked back at the therapist that determines if I stay or leave. Therapist are supposed to be nice and comforting, all he does is intimidate me. He has black hair and crows feet. He's scribbling things down, probably explaining how I didn't talk to him. Again.
I know what's wrong with me and I know why I'm like this. If I truly wanted help, I would have gotten it myself. I wouldn’t be sent here by my mother and a stupid doctor. Why do they not realize this? Why do doctors, nurses, parents, psychiatrist, therapist, people in general think they know what's best for you? They have no clue how to handle you. They treat you like you're a flower- I'm a depressed teenage boy- I'm not a f*ing flower. When they're not treating you like a flower, they're talking down to you, like you can't handle what's going on. When in all honesty, you see the world clearer than them.
I'm not sure how it started; I was always afraid of the dark. That's why I am, and probably always will be, surprised when I let it embrace me. It was the slow and intimate kind. The darkness wasn't fun for anyone around me, infected by it or not. I was going to explode at any time and nobody knew how to handle me. Maybe that's why I ended up where I did. It's something that I've come to terms with not knowing.
There's some things you must know before you learn what really happened. I'm not the quiet boy who nobody talks to because they’re afraid of what I could really be like. I'm quiet because I don't want to be noticed. I don’t want people to know what I’m really like, partially because I don’t know myself. I hide in my older sister's shadow. I became so focused on not being noticed, I never found out who I was. I was lost in the darkness.
My parents had a big part in the way I turned out. I'm not blaming them for what happened at all, they just weren't helpful either. At a certain point in every child's life they realize that their parents aren't perfect. Their daddy who dressed up as Santa every Christmas turned out to be the Grinch. Their mommy whose smell comforted them once actually smelled like cigarettes and stale beer. Me, I knew my parents weren't perfect. Not even close. My dad was a working man, waking up early and coming home late. My mom was either asleep or crying when I was home. I didn't understand what was wrong with her until I was older; even now it's hard to tell. My parents accepted that I was weird and I accepted that they weren't perfect either. We were perfect together. They became too busy with themselves to see that I was too deep into the darkness that the nightlight they put in the corner couldn't help anymore.
As a kid I knew I was different, and not in the good way. I was weird and I knew it. The other boys never asked me to play kickball or tag with them and every time I asked, they would whisper to one another then run away. I watched from the sideline, that was enough for me. Eventually, the boys stopped playing games and started playing girls. I watched from the sideline then too.
The day that it happened was a miserable spring day. The sun was trying to find its way out from behind the dreaded rain clouds. It seems like it has been raining all week. April showers bring May flowers, that’s how it goes, right? The weather was terrible, I liked it though. The rain let me stay in the house and think. It gave me a reason to stay inside.
My sister found me. It seems strange to me that after so much thought and planning and doing, it was her. I never took into consideration on who would find me. Nothing makes me feel worse than when I hear her scream in my head. When I'm alone it echoes in my head over and over again. That earth-shattering scream was the last thing I heard before I was out.
My sister is every parents dream child. I’m just the f*** up. Alexis was supposed to be away at college the day that I did it. Apparently she couldn’t wait until spring break to show off her new boyfriend. To say that my relationship with my sister is complete s*** would be an understatement. She hated having me- the weird kid- as her brother. I love her though, she is family after all.
Vomit. That's how I woke up. I threw up all over myself. A girl walked by and started laughing at me. I can't blame her. I was a boy who felt like death, and probably looked like it too, was laying in his own vomit. I must've been something to look at too.
"Can you tell them I'm up?" I called out to her, my voice raspy and sore.
"I mean I guess," she shrugged and walked away.
About five minutes later a nurse came in. Her nametag said Daisy, she had short hair. The kind of haircut that elderly ladies get when they want to spice things up. She is what I picture a typical old lady to look like. Grey hair with specks of black, her eyes were that almost clear blue color. Her eyes held a certain sadness, not my kind of sadness, but she misses someone, you could tell just by looking at her. Without a word she started cleaning up. Taking the soiled sheets off and replacing them with new ones. I stood in the corner and watched her face as she tucked and pulled. Tuck. Pull. Tuck. Pull. Tuck. Pull. I watched until it was all done and she stared back at me.
"It's not fair to your family you know. You should have done something else. It's just not fair. They don't need you to do these things without saying anything. It hurts them you know. It hurts so damn much."
I don't know why, but I hugged her. "I'm so sorry for your loss. It's different for everyone, I didn't mean to offend you." After I said those words, she thanked me and apologized for stepping out of line. She turned on her heels and rushed out of the room.
I was sitting on the bed counting the number of tiles on the floor when my mother rushed in. She took me into her arms and started to cry. She would mumble things like, "my poor baby boy" and "I'm so sorry." It bothers me that we were barely coexisting in the same house and now she's crying and hugging me. It's f*ed up how they don't care until you try and die.
"Mom, can you let go? I don't want to be treated like a baby or any different then I was before. Where's Alexis? Is she okay?"
"She's okay. You're only allowed to have one visitor at a time. I'll send her in now, since you obviously don't care that I almost lost my son." I watched her as she left the room. I was annoyed with her. She thinks that because I’m in the hospital it’s the time to start playing house. It doesn’t work like that. At all.
Alexis was coming in next. My heart was beating like a jackhammer in my chest. I wasn't ready to look at her or talk to her. I crawled under the blanket and turned away from the door. I could feel her presence in the room. The tension was suffocating me and I needed to get out. I needed to breathe. I needed to be dead. I wasn't supposed to be alive right now. I was supposed to be sleeping forever. I wasn't supposed to be going through this torture.
"I forgive you."
That's it. That was all she said before she left. It also happened to be the last thing I heard her say to me for the better part of a year.
After spending two weeks in the hospital, they told me I was stable enough to go home. They were wrong, but I wasn't going to be the one to tell them that. The doctors told my mother that I wasn't allowed to be alone. So I was followed around like a child and a new puppy. Every time I went take a piss, someone was standing in the hall with the door open. When I was in the shower, someone was in the bathroom with me. I was forced to sleep in the living room. I couldn't even get my own medicine, my mother had to for me. I was tired of it. If I didn't already hate myself and my life before, I certainly did now.
I wasn’t out of the hospital for a week before my mom took me back to the hospital. I didn’t even do anything. I was Netflix binging and she started yelling at me. She was saying things like, “You’re not trying to get better! This isn’t healthy! Pack a bag, I’m taking you back to the hospital.” So, here I am, sitting in a waiting room. The smell of sickness and death traveled through the air. In the corner there was a little girl who was coughing up blood. I was watching her look up at her dad and cry about her pain. The father looked at his little child and promised her she would be okay and start yelling for some help. I’ve never wanted to be a little girl until now. You could tell she wasn’t going to make it through the week. Her face was pale and her body was shaking. I wanted to be her. I wanted to die. I want to be that little girl who is dying.
The nurse from before, Daisy, walked up to me.
“Cayden, I have a doctor ready to talk to you. Do you want to follow me?” I picked up my bag and started to follow her.
“Miss Daisy, I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. The Prozac is working, I’m fine,” I tried, I want to die. I do not want to sit in a hospital and talk to stupid doctors that think they know everything.
"Honey, I know you don't want to be here. I also know that your family needs you to get better. Cayden, sweetheart, you need to try for them," her sweet little old lady face was serious, but her eyes held desperation. She needed me to get better too.
The room I walked into was a shoebox. Not literally, but it was tiny. If you put an infant in here the baby would be too big for it. It didn't smell like disinfectant or death, it was more of a fresh Febreze smell. The walls were light blue.
"I read an article in one of Alexis' magazines about colors, blue is supposed to calm you down. It's funny how that works, you know? I'm getting more anxious about seeing this stupid doctor," I start rambling. I continued to look around the room and saw the word “CALM” on the back of the door. Calm is a weird word. It means not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other emotions. It's ironic, really. I'm sitting in a tiny room, with a nurse who cares about me, waiting for a doctor to declare me sane or insane, staring at a sign that tells me not to show emotion. That's the exact opposite of what they all want me to do.
"You're a very smart young man. I do hope you can figure yourself out. You don't deserve the monster inside of you. Cayden, I promise you that you can get through this. The doctor will be here in a minute, if you need anything I'll be right outside," Daisy motioned to the door and I watched her wrinkly face look at me with concern. She stayed in the room for a moment longer before closing the door. I went back to staring at “CALM”. The letters were big and black. It's funny really, how the word calm was written in a color that represents negativity. My thoughts were interrupted by a man with a white coat. He was wearing shiny shoes that stood out against the dingy floor.
"Hello Cayden, I'm Doctor Frank," the brown headed man stated.
"When can I go home?"
"Cayden, that's what I'm here to talk about with you," he said slowly. Why is he talking to me like I'm stupid? I'm depressed, not dumb.
"Whatever you're trying to sell, I don't want it. I just want to go home."
"I'm not selling anything, I'm trying to help you. You need help. You tried to kill yourself not even a month ago. There's no way that I can let you go now that you're here again."
"Tell me what to do so I can leave."
"Okay Cayden, I need you to pay attention to what I'm going to explain to you. Your mother has some serious concerns about you. She thinks that once she stops paying attention to you that you’ll try again. She wants to send you to go to a young adult program in Oregon. It’s called Aquila Mental Facility. You need to decide if you want to go there or if you want to stay here in our psych ward. If I were you, I would go to Aquila. They have a very good program there and since it’s farther away you can escape your problems that exist here. You'll be able to figure yourself out. Cayden, you should do this to please your mother, but also to help yourself. What do you want to do?" He watched me stare at the floor. I could feel his eyes on my head. My mother wants to send me away. To Oregon. That's like 3,000 miles away. The words kept playing over in my head. Young adult program. Aquila. Oregon. Young adult program. Aquila. Oregon. Young adult program. Aquila. Oregon.
It doesn't make sense that when you have a mental illness they lock you away. If anything that's making it worse. It's like a big f*** you. Society is either saying get the hell out of here or romanticizing it. It's stupid.
I never gave my answer. I never told Doctor Frank if I wanted to stay or go. I was given a duffle bag, a plane ticket and off I went. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to Daisy. For the two weeks I was in the hospital, that little wrinkled lady was more of a mother to me than my own mother. I didn’t say goodbye to my mother. I’m not a bad son, but she would have made it all about her anyway. I’m tired of having to take care of her when she should take care of me.
When I arrived to Aquila it was just about lunch time, if I was home it would be three in the afternoon. I’d be leaving school and probably eating something that’s not good for me. Instead of being a stupid, troubled, teenage boy in New Jersey, I’m standing in the lobby of a mental hospital. The place looks so clean and organized. If you didn’t see the sign that said, “Welcome to Aquila Mental Facility,” you wouldn’t be able to tell that scattered brains are hidden behind these off white walls. Why are they all white anyway? White is for purity and innocence. Why aren’t they green? Green is a color for growth and balance. Isn’t that what these places are for anyway?
“Hello, you must be Cayden! Welcome to Aquila! I’m Holly and I’m here to show you around,” this redheaded, curvy, girl walked up and greeted me. She had bright green eyes and her voice was a bit nasally. She looked like the kind of girl that would try every single day to make her husband happy. He’d be a lucky guy.
“Uh, hi, yeah. Can you just send me to my room? I want to get some sleep. I couldn’t sleep on the plane…”
“Oh yes! You poor thing. You must be so jet lagged!” She scurried down the hallway and motioned for me to follow. The hallway was the same off white color as the lobby was. On the walls hung pictures of meadows and paintings that looked like little kids drew.
“This is your room, you get it to yourself, there’s only fourteen other young adults here so everyone has their own room. I hope you get a nice nap. When you wake up, walk down this hallway here and make a right. That’s the common area, that’s where everyone else will be. Sweet dreams Cayden!”
What the f***.
Just looking around made me want to find the closest bridge. I don’t belong here. I looked down at myself. My baggy gym shorts and palin shirt- typical clothes for a teenage boy. Then I looked at the other kids. Most were wearing pajama pants with cartoon prints on them. They were a group of messy, messed up, teenagers. Just by the look of them I knew I didn’t belong here. Seriously, cartoon printed pajama pants? The other “Young Adults” as Doctor Frank would say were laying around a big room. It’s a blue, the color that is considered beneficial to the mind and body, go figure. There’s plastic chairs and plastic tables. I look around and see everyone talking to someone else. I don’t want to talk to anyone so I just sit at a table by myself and put my head down. Maybe I’ll actually become invisible. If I can’t see them, they can’t see me. I can’t tell you how long I was sitting there, but it was long enough for my legs to fall asleep.
“So, what’d you do to get locked up in here?” I’m not sure where the voice came from, but I was in love with it. The voice itself was smooth and soft- almost like a whisper. It’s the kind of voice that you could listen to all day. I looked up and saw a girl sitting across from me. She was beautiful. Like, really, really, beautiful. She had glowing green eyes that held truth and pain in them.
“Why should I tell you?” As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it. Something in those sad eyes changed and it wasn’t good.
“I was just wondering why the hell they sent someone else from New Jersey here. I’m also from there, about forty-five minutes from Philly. But, you’re the new kid, everyone knows who you are, we just don’t know why. The annoying therapist aren’t allowed to tell us, but you can. Everyone here knows how we all ended up in this lovely place.” She went on, but I stopped paying attention and just looked at her. She was golden brown with blonde hair down past her subtle breast. During my time that I wasn’t paying attention to a single word coming out of her mouth, Holly walked up to us.
“Lily, leave him alone sweetheart. He just got here. Let him go to group before you start bothering him. The poor kid, you always do this. Give him a little while to adjust, please.” She spoke just as nasally and politely as before. Lily, as I now know her name, walked off down the hallway.
“Cayden, honey, I want you to feel comfortable here. If you don’t want to talk yet, don’t, okay?” Holly said. She was talking so smooth and gentle, she’s good at her job. “There’s lunch in five minutes, then group. You can head down to the dining hall now if you want, I can take you.”
As we walked down the long white hallways covered with pictures of random things, Holly never tried to start a conversation with me. Every now and then she would point out what room is what. She didn’t ask why I was here, she probably already knew. Could she tell I was depressed by the way I’m walking? Or talking? Maybe she can tell by the side I keep my little friend to, it gets a bit obvious sometimes. Could they tell by the way I keep my hair? Could they tell by looking at me that I was depressed and wanted to die? What will I say to Lily and the rest when I have to explain why I’m here? Will they understand? Will they think I’m stupid? Will they mock my sad attempt at ending my life?
As soon as we got to the dining hall I knew I made a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I should be in nasty Jersey in the hospitals stupid psych ward. I shouldn’t be here being strangled by the tension that's hanging in the air like a lost fart. I wanted to leave and go to my new room and sleep but my growling stomach had other things in mind. I scanned the plain, slightly smelly, room for an empty seat away from everyone else. There was a chair in the far corner away from the rest of the group. I walked past them and their curious stares and took a seat at the table in the very far side of the room. Why were they so curious? Haven’t they seen a depressed kid walking before?
I didn't pay attention to the food or my surroundings- which is unusual for me because I people watch. I watch them, what they do, how they act, anything and everything. I went through the motions of eating, breathing, completing the little things that have you live, but I wasn't living. I was in a mental facility. I'm so f*ed up they locked me up. I'm insane, nuts, mad, crazy, a patient in a f*ing mental hospital. Lost in my train of thought I had no idea that my arm was being pulled and my legs were taking me to a different room.
I wasn't aware that I was sitting in a rock hard chair that was digging into my back. I wasn't aware of the girl next to me that was so thin that if the wind blew in the slightest bit, she would fall and break. I was completely aware that Lily was sitting across from me putting gauze on her cut up, torn up, scraped up, legs. I watched as she carefully wiped the red liquid off her tattered limbs. I watched as she lifted her pants up some more and saw how her thighs were shredded. I watched as she finished cleaning up herself. I watched as she rolled down her pant legs. I watched as she looked up at me and said, "It's not nice to stare, Cayden."
I look around the room that I was unaware that I walked into and take in the scene. The girl that I was unaware that I was sitting next me was so frail. I could see the outline of her bones. If you looked closely you could see that her sunken in face was sad and dark. I wanted to tell her to stay strong, but how could I tell someone to stay strong when I couldn't?
“How are we all doing today?” an overly preppy male covered in wrinkles asked. He had no response. I guess he got tired of not having a response and just jumped into getting started.
“Lily, will you start us off?” he asked the beautiful blonde.
“What do you want me to say, Ronald?”
“Tell us how you’re doing. You should be leaving soon, you must have some feelings on that.”
“Well, I feel like I’m on a spinning ride. One that you like when you originally get on and you laugh when you get off and move on to another ride. It wasn’t enjoyable for me, I don’t even like rides. I feel that my ride won’t end. Like I’ll be spinning forever. It will just never stop and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And what happens if it does get stopped? I’m going to be flung off the ride so fast I won’t be able to handle it. I’ll crash and burn. I’m f*ed if I don’t stop the ride and f*ed if I do. It sucks, you know?” I watched in awe as she spoke with so much insecurity but so honestly. I can see where she's coming from with the spinning. Everything in life moves so fast. You're born so innocent a peaceful with everyone knowing that someday you're going to die. They don’t think of that at first, but eventually it will cross their minds. They don't realize that you are going to grow up and be a hard working person just to die. It happens so fast that they don't realize what's happening until they can’t control it anymore. It's sad.
"Lily, why do you think you're spinning?"
"Ronald, you know I don't want to share that with all of you in front of our new guest."
F***.
"Oh! We have a new guest! Who is it?"
"His name is Cayden and he won't tell us why he's imprisoned here."
"Lily, you know this isn't a jail. Cayden, where are you?" As soon as he said that I slumped farther into my seat. I wish I could melt into the cheap plastic chair. How easy would life be then? All you do is sit there and support people. You can never disappoint them or let them down. I must've made it obvious that it was me because Ronald found me.
"Young man, how are you?"
"I'm here, how do you think I am?"
"Cayden, that's not how you're supposed to look at things when you're here. You're here because you need a little push in the right direction, that's what we're here to help do. So, how are you feeling?"
"I feel tired. I was on a plane for nine hours and that nap I took was pathetic and I think this is a waste of my time. Why should I share my life story with people I don't even know?" I feel bad. Lily shared what she felt, why can't I?
"How about we go around the room and explain how we ended up here? You don't have to say specifics but we all already know. I want Cayden to feel comfortable around us," Ronald offered. I was scared to hear what they've all been through. I was right to feel that way. Hearing the things that these teenagers had to say about why they’re here and what happened to them made me feel like an asshole. I was never hit by my parents, told to kill myself, homeless, or raped. I was just depressed. There’s no reason for me to be this way.
“Cayden, do you feel ready to share?” The old man asked me again. I didn’t want to share. I was afraid that they’d judge me. I have a home, food, a family, and I tried to end it for myself. What would they think of me? I could feel the panic rising in my chest. It was heavy and wasn’t going to leave anytime soon. I could feel several eyes on me, waiting. Waiting for me to open my eyes. Waiting for me to tell them how f*ed I am. Waiting for me to let them in so they can judge me.
I can do this. I have to do this.
“I’m Cayden and I’m depressed. There’s no reason for me to be this way. Nothing bad ever happened to me. I was born and I survived until this point. I tried to leave, but I was found. I’m just f*ed up, nothing caused it, I just am. I’m sorry for being so f*ing weak.” I wanted to throw up. I could feel the Fragile Girls eyes on me, judging me. I couldn’t take it.
"Cayden, it's not a question of your natural state, some people are born to be depressed and some aren't.”
I didn’t answer that. I didn’t even understand what he was talking about. I stopped paying attention to what was being said and focused on the little squares on the ground. I would make bigger squares in my head. I spent the next twenty minutes doing that until group was over.
I was expecting them to send us to bed after group. I'd rather go to bed than be forced into "Happy Hour." Let me explain Happy Hour is when we get directed to go into this field and there is games to play and we have to write in these stupid journals. It’s stupid, I just want to go back to my room. I know they're going to watch me and judge me. I don't want to leave the lumpy bed they have me sleeping in.
I'm sitting by a tree watching an ant hill close by when Lily sat next to me. "I wish I was an ant. They have a system for everything. When one ant finds a good meal it makes a path and the other ants follow the smell of the path back and forth to the colony and the meal. I wish there was something like that for me, you know?"
"Cayden, I wish I was an ant too. I also wish I was happy. I wish my mom didn't hate me. I wish my dad didn't beat me. I wish I had someone to care about me. I'm tired of being here, I don't belong here."
"My sister hates me because she thinks I'm weird. I don't belong at home or here either. We should run away. How would that make you feel? Running away with a f*ed up boy?"
"You're very strange, I agree with your sister. I'm going to run away and never come back. This place can be helpful if you let it."
"Is it helping you?"
"It's helping me realize things. Close your eyes and lay back in the grass, but be careful of the ants." I did I she said. The grass tickled the back of my neck and arms. I felt a warmth I'm my hand, it was hers.
"Will you be my friend?"
"Your sister is wrong to hate you for being strange. You're the kind of strange people need, the lovely kind that brings smiles to faces," she said in her sweet voice that brought a smile to my face. With that said, I felt the warmth of her leave my hand.
We continued spending Happy Hour together everyday. Eventually our meetings stopped. She was discharged and went home. I stopped talking after she left. Silence was the answer to every question. I spent the day she left silent.
I spent the next week silent too.
Then the following month.
On day thirty I had a meeting with The Big Doctor. I haven’t met him before, but I’ve heard stories. Apparently he’s the one that will let you go home and he also is the bearer of bad news. I know that I’m not going home. The only way that you go home is if you show improvement. I know that I haven't improved. Ever since the day that I shared at group, the only person I talked to was Lily. I loved her. I loved her but I wasn't in love with her. I never asked for anything from her, not a kiss or a hug. Of course I wanted to, she's an attractive female that talked to me. I need her in my life so I never asked for anything more. I settled with her company, even if it was only for two minutes before group or lights out.
She would sit there sometimes and rub up and down her arms, I don't think she noticed that she was doing it. I asked Ronald about it one time. He could talk about her with me because he wasn’t an actual therapist, he had no confidentiality rules. He just ran group and hung out with people when they needed to have company. Ronald told me that when she first arrived she was a tear stained, bleeding mess. She would scream and cry whenever someone turned off the light or closed a door. He went on and on about how a person who has as many cuts and scratches as she does will continue to rub them and care for them after they heal. He also noticed how she sits there and rubs them, it scared him. He was worried about her for when she left. He said that her spinning ride was going to end soon and he was frightened for her future.
The walk to see The Big Doctor was petrifying. I was terrified of what was going to happen. What could the bad news be? Could it be about my family? Lily? Are they going to keep me here forever? Did they finally realize that I'm never going to be better? What if it's about Nurse Daisy? I never got to thank her. Before I knew it, the big brown door was in front of me, waiting for me. It was patronizing me, telling me to go in that I'll like it, but I know the truth. I'm going to hate everything that The Big Doctor has to say. Before I could knock or even open the door, it swung open.
"Cayden, please step into my office," the deep voice rasped. I did as he said, silenced by fear. I stepped into the office and looked around. Books lined the burgundy walls. They're the books that label me a burden on society.
"I have some very bad news for you, son. I know it's going to be hard to hear, but you need to." I could feel the panic rising. My heart was pounding and I could feel myself starting to sweat. "Cayden, Lily's gone. She committed last night. She wrote you this note. I'm sorry for your loss. You may be excused."
I took the note and ran. I ran through the halls, through the common room, through the door. Lily's gone. She's not coming back. She's gone. She's no longer breathing, rubbing her arm, on her spinning ride. She crashed and burned. I'm never going to see those bright eyes again. I’m never going to be able to tell her how much I love her. I’m never going to be able to tell her how she was my best friend and how much she means to me. I’m never going to be able to tell her that she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
She’s gone.
She’s really gone.
"Young man, where on Earth do you think you're running to?" Ronald's voice stopped me. I turned around to look at him, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I was told that men don't cry, so don't cry. Don't ever let them see you cry. Ronald took one look at me and his wrinkled face softened.
"You know." It’s wasn’t a question, he knew. I nodded, still struggling to be a man. It’s a losing battle, much like the rest of my life. I can feel the clear liquid on my cheeks, running down like little streams.
“I read a book, Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens and in this book he said, 'Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--sorrier, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.' I agree with him, you see, after you cry you do feel better. You can take a nap and think things over. Young man, now is the time you should reflect on the time you’ve spent here. Read the piece of paper you crumpled in your hand. Cayden, you need to do something. You can’t stay here forever and you need to think about Lily, your family, and most importantly yourself.”
“Ronald, I don’t know what to do with myself. I just don’t know how to react. The only thing I have of hers is this crumpled up piece of paper. I’ve never had to deal with death, I don’t know how. How do I get fixed?”
“You have to fix yourself.” After he said that, he rubbed my arm and hobbled away.
I took his advice, I went into my room and looked at the letter. I stared at the envelope for what feels like a lifetime. I was mentally preparing myself for what it was going to say. I looked at the way she wrote my name, it was cursive and very loopy. You couldn’t tell that she was a beautiful dead girl. You had no idea that she had serious problems. I opened the letter and saw more cursive writing, this time it was more than just my name.
Dear Cayden,
You need to get better. You need to live on for me. Before you got to Aquila Ronald would make us learn about depression and s***. Did you know that seventeen million people are depressed? One in thirty three children are depressed. I was that one. Now that we’re older it’s one in eighteen. That’s both of us, you’re strong enough to beat it though. About every 100 minutes a teenager takes their own life. We are lucky enough to be within the thirty percent of teenagers to get treated for it. I’m the eight in ten that asked for help before going through with it. It’s f*ed up, they put so much pressure on us and expect us to be happy about it. They’ll beat you until you’re nothing and expect you to live.
Cayden, I don’t want you to be mad at me for leaving. It was my time to go, even if you disagree. I didn’t choose this life, I didn’t want it. I wish I could be one of those girls that could complain about boys and makeup. I could never be one of them. Not after all I’ve been through. I tried to go to school, they didn’t even notice I was gone. Will they realize I’m gone now?
Life is a game of survival of the fittest. I’m not fit and it’s not enough for me to just survive anymore. I know you know how I feel. I tricked Ronald into telling me how you really got to Aquila. Nobody just doesn’t show up for being depressed. I know you tried to leave forever. You wanted to take a nap that lasted forever. I have a different approach. I researched it a lot. Did you know that if you take a sharp edge to your skin and push really hard, you could lose a lot of blood? Did you know you could die of blood loss? So as I drain my blood, I want you to know that I’m thinking of you. I haven’t known you longer than a few weeks, but that’s all that you need. Especially when it’s with you. You’re different and you need to beat this. For me. For your family. For your future. For you.
Love always, Lily
(p.s. sorry for the tear marks)
I needed to get out of my room. I walked past everyone in the common area and walked straight to our tree. As soon as I got there I fell to my knees and started crying. It takes a real man to cry, that's what I'm learning. It's okay to show emotion.
"Cayden?" A voice came from behind me. I jumped and looked who it came from. It was Fragile Girl.
"Uh, hi."
"You need to get out of here. You need to help yourself. I sat over there," she pointed to a grass patch about twenty feet away, "and watched you and Lily talk. I don't know what you guys were talking about, but you guys had a friendship that takes people years to build. You need to get your act together, get better, get out of here, go home."
"Why are you talking to like this? You don't know anything about me."
"Lily gave me a pep talk like this before, she didn't care. She knew I needed to get out of here. I've gained weight and now in three days I get to go home. I'm eating, I want to get healthy and happy again. Losing someone can cause a person to do crazy things. Listen, it's getting cold out here, the weather is much different here than at home. I'm going to give you some time alone, don't stay out here too long though," she told me. I heard her footsteps fading away and started to think.
She was right. I needed to get my s*** together. Lily wouldn't want me to stay here forever, she'd want me to have a life. She'd want me to go home and make new friends and show my sister I was not the bad kind of strange. She'd want me to get better and be happy. I'm going to get better for the both of us.
So, I did. I started talking in group, leading the conversations, socializing with the other screw ups, like me. I had talked Holly and Ronald into throwing Fragile Girl, whose real name is Jessica, a going away party. She laughed so hard she cried and hugged me a lot. It felt nice to have friends. The others were nice too. They welcomed me with open arms and we all opened up about our real problems. It wasn't like we sat there and sang Kumbya, but we did share moments that bonded us.
We were in the middle of a group session. It was the awkward part in the middle when everybody would think of something else to talk about. I eventually got the courage to ask Ronald something that I've been thinking since I arrived here.
"Hey Ronald, how come you don't give up on us? We've given up on ourselves but you're always here with your wise words motivating us to regain hope and happiness. Why?"
"Young man, why would I give up on such magnificent young people? All of you have so much to offer this world, you just don't know how to access that knowledge yet."
"Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but may I speak to Cayden?" A deep voice asked from behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know who it belonged to. It's the same voice that told me that Lily was gone not even sixteen days before.
Looked at Ronald, who was smiling and nodding encouragingly at me, and turned around and looked The Big Doctor right in the face. He turned on his heel and walked down the long hallway. This time was different than the last. I wasn't freaking out about what the bad news he could tell me. I knew, I just knew it was going to be an interview to see if I was going home. I also knew I was going home.
I stared at the door, waiting for The Big Doctor to unlock it. The first time I was here I thought it was bullshit, now, I thought differently. I wasn't intimidated, I wasn't scared of what was going to happen behind this door. I knew, deep down, that everything was going to be okay. When the door opened and the burgundy walls stared me in the face, I smiled. The Big Doctor looked at me curiously and told me to sit down. After we were settled he looked at me and started talking.
“Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“I can sit here and I can bullshit something and tell you how amazing I feel and how I’m ready to get back into the real world and all of this s*** that nobody cares about or believes. I just know whenever you decide to let me leave from this place, I’ll be able to go. I won’t know how to react to the people that know what I did, but I think I’ll be able to handle it.”
“How does being here make you feel?”
“Are you talking about being here with you or here in Aquila in general?”
“I know you don’t want to be talking with me, there’s so much else that you could do. How does being at Aquila make you feel?”
“That’s another thing I can bullshit. I won’t. I hated it so much. I walked in the door and I wanted to kill myself all over again. This isn’t a place I ever thought that I would end up. But then again, does anyone plan on ending up in a mental hospital? Especially when they’re sixteen?”
“Cayden, you’ve been doing so well here. You don’t hide in the corner by yourself and you share your thought in group. You’ve improved a lot while you were here. How do we know that you weren’t faking it?”
“I guess that’s something that you’re going to have to trust me with.”
I was let out after that. I was sent home on the same route that I traveled before- this time there was something different. I was going the same route, by my life is going somewhere different. There’s something changed within me. Maybe it’s because I have friends that I can talk to. Maybe it’s because I know how hard life can get and that I know that I'll always be able to count on these people. Maybe it's because I'm finally able to live and not just survive. I’ll always have this disease that eats at my brain, but I'm alive. It's time to start living.
I am a survivor.
I am alive.
I am living.
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