Jon came by to pick up the ring he proposed to me with. I told him I threw it into the garbage disposal and he started screaming. Something about his grandma and the word irreplaceable came up. I just broke down in front of the door and started crying. At least it got him to help me up and shut the door in my face. As I suspected, he wasn't very observant as I was wearing the ring the whole time. I guess he doesn’t understand what it meant. I was in love with him no matter what and had the courage to say yes to a lifetime commitment. People told us we were wrong and should wait since we were only both twenty two. Fresh out of college and wanted to settle down already. What were we nuts? Probably but we didn’t care. We were in love and it was us against the world. No one else could see it. An invisible bond created by two people that confused and frustrated the people who didn’t have it. It left me breathless and in tears but through it all, I was able to love a man who I thought could pull me out of a sinking ship I called my life and make things better again. I was just an awkward yet elegant girl and he was a nerdy boy with a guitar who swept me off my feet. I loved him. I really did. He helped my life out a lot by repairing the damage I caused to it. How could he leave just like that and move on? Sure, I was frustrating and a bit of a spaz but some of the best people are! He didn’t tear out my heart or anything, just numbed it. I showed him everything that was me and he added the best part. Maybe I’ll win him back. Wouldn't you like to know? I would tell you but that’s what makes this a great story. I don’t even know. I have to be unexpected because that’s all I can be.

Relax I told myself. Just breath. Why is that such a hard thing to do? I have to go see a therapist now after an emotional conversation on the phone with my mom last night. She’s what people call a freethinker. She’s the one who let me dress the way I wanted if it made me happy. If there is one thing I learned from her, it was happiness rules over all. If you’re not happy, you might as well be. Since I broke down over the phone and started throwing things my mom wired me money to go see a therapist. Huh. Thinking back on it, I can see why.
“So, let me introduce myself. I am Dr. Oklar but you can call me Jane. You’re Nora correct?
“Yes. Nora Clive. In all my glory!” And I laughed sarcastically.
She returned with a chuckle and said, “Well I am very excited to be working with you! Now don’t think of this as a place where you have to go because you’re crazy but somewhere you can go to find the strength in yourself to go back out there and fight the world!”
“Never heard it put that way before.” I said.
“Thanks! Now let’s start with who brought you here today.”
“I don’t think a hour will be long enough. But if you want the gist of it I would have to say two people. My mother and now ex-fiance.”
“Oh dear I’m sorry! That’s a hard thing to pull through.”
“Well, I just don’t know where I’m going, let alone how much farther I can go.” I said.
“You seem like a deep thinker Nora. What do you think made you so in touch with your inner thoughts?” Dr. Oklar replied.
“Jeez doc. That’s quite the question. I don’t know. I didn't live my life for a long time. I stood back and watched other people enjoy themselves and grow into what everyone expected them to be. I cast myself as a supporting character in my my own story and you’re asking me why? People belittled me for who I was and made me feel like I didn't deserve it. My mom allowed me to go against everything society and order stood for to be myself even if that cost me my happiness. Which is odd because that’s the one thing she stood for. Even now, being myself doesn't seem to fit in with everyone else being themselves. I’m a giant among dwarfs, an alien among regular people and I hate it! The adults or role models in my life told me to change what I wore or how to act yet still be true to myself. How in the hell was I supposed to do that? I want to change who I am but what if that’s the best part of me?”
“Wow. I have never had a patient have a breakthrough on the first day.”
“That wasn't a breakthrough. I lived my entire life having to handle that.”
A rant was brewing. I felt bad exposing her to this on the first day. I looked Dr. Oklar right in the eye and said, “You think that I honestly went through my entire life not knowing how much of a screw up I was. Your next question would probably have been “Was your dad not being there affect you at all?” or “Would you blame your mom for all of this?” Or course not. She’s my mom! I know I’m all to blame for this. It’s my life. I am not the kind of person to go blaming others for my problems especially when I know I’m the one who cause them. Sorry I was told to be myself from the moment I was born. Look where that has gotten me! Practically a divorcee, emotionally fragmented from my mother, being completely absent from my father’s life, and now a crazy patient. Happy people are just too stupid to realize what’s going on around them. We live in a world with starvation and poverty while me and my other Americans sit and watch from a television screen. We all need a reality check. We look through a comfort window with pity in our eyes for the rest of the world and then quickly turn around to enjoy our overly proportional meal and white picket fence we so think we deserve just because of where we were born! If everyone else thinks I’m crazy then so be it! But so are they!”
I lost it. I had gone officially mental. All Dr. Oklar could say was I was right. She walked past me and I was left crying in her office. To my pleasant surprise, it was Jon who was called to pick me up. He coddled me and took me back to our house we politely shared separately at the moment. He stayed with me through the night and let me cry and go off on rants like I usually did. He said he loved me and I returned the favor. He was lying but I couldn't care less. I enjoy lying. It prolongs the truth. I woke up in my bed and he was gone. He had to go to his job as a big corporate official as he liked to call it. He was a secretary for some CEO but he found pride in it. That was one of the many things he taught me. A little pride and self respect went a long way. I was a better version of myself around him. I hardly broke down and never once felt the need to reach for my anxiety medicine. He enjoyed my crazy little rants and found some coherent truth in them that he would write down and share with me in the morning when I was sober. He was great and I loved him yet we didn't quite fit. Maybe that was the best part.

Dr. Oklar quit her practice and was apparently was headed to work in Africa for the Peace Core. I laughed at the thought that someone actually took advice from someone who obviously didn't follow it. I looked at myself in the mirror after calling her office. I was wearing one of Jon’s long white t-shirts and knee high striped socks. The neon color of the socks went extremely well with the run down make up on my face. My long dirty blond hair was knotty and messy. My green eyes were red from wiping the tears. Boy was I a catch. Jon was a lucky guy! His apartment really captured our relationship. The posters hung on the walls of bands we went to see or didn't even exist anymore. The red wine stain on the wall in the dining room from when he said I had to much to drink and I threw my glass at him. I should probably look into a new therapist. Never mind. Bad idea. That didn't turn out too well last time. I wonder what Dr. Oklar is doing. Treating starving Africans who have acute depression would be my guess. Mental problems are obviously their biggest concern. Man, I need to get out of this apartment. I think way too much.
Outside was clear and crisp as the cool winter wind blew through my hair. I’m just glad I was sane enough to put on presentable clothes before I left. Currently in my state, being in public with just a t-shirt on wouldn't be above me. I look around and it catches me. There is no one here. Walking down a public street in the middle of a city and… no one. Loneliness was never a pretty feeling. The only problem was that I never had felt it so strong before. I pushed so many people away to make sure I kept my distance. I blamed myself because obviously I was the problem but, was that the actual problem? I was so insecure and introverted that even though I made it completely obvious to everyone else why was it so hard for me to see? To spell it out clearly for my head, was my problem showing off to everyone that I was insecure and knew my life was terrible, was what made it so awful? The root of the problem wasn't Jon, my mom, my dad, or even me for that matter! It was how I presented myself. I lost so much in my life because other people figured I already had nothing. Since I made it so clear I hated the world and had nothing to lose, people figured why should I waste my time? Along with diagnosed severe social anxiety and this, I see why I walk alone. I put myself there, now it was time to endure my punishment.
With my new realization I decided to make a list of all I should do to, I guess, better myself. My own handbook to life to live by. Life lessons by a crazy person.
Enjoy.
Stop hating yourself.
Remember who you are and what you want to be are two different things
People aren't too bad. If they are then screw ‘em.
And lastly,
What you expect of yourself outweighs what others expect.
Now putting life into five simple steps makes it seem like a weight loss program but that actually is a good metaphor. Improve on something to impress others which will in turn leaving you a little less empty. Craving attention from others isn't a bad thing because everyone does it. People call each other attention seekers and egotistical but if you’re not that you’re worthless. We feed off thoughts of others because its all what we have to go by. Some days I wake up and go “Wow! I look incredible!” and other days I am glad I have walls to hide my face from the eyes of children. So who else can you trust? We need other people to stroke our egos or put us in our place to make sure we don’t step out of boundaries. Be yourself.*
*Some conditions and changes may apply to completely contradict the preceding statement.

During my walk I started thinking about Jon. His tall stature, wavy dirty blonde hair, blue eyes that some guys would kill for, and yet awkward and lovable with his slim figure and outlandish personality. When he yelled at me last week, his tone was more of a surprise then what he said. I guess I sort of drove him to it. Wait! Scratch that. Rule number 2! I like that whole list thing.
As I got back home I realized I had taken much longer than I had thought. Jon was already home and was actually waiting for me. He look worried. Concerned. Definitely caught my attention.
“Where were you?” He started off.
“I just went for a walk. Must have been caught up too much in my thoughts to check the time.”
“Nora, you really can’t do that. I was worried sick.”
“I am an adult, I’m allowed to go outdoors.”
“But in your condition Nora...you just...it’s complicated.”
“My condition? It’s not like I’m a serial killer! Relax. I’m fine.”
“Just please, listen to me.”
“Why? You’re not my father.”
“How the hell would you know?! You never met him!”
It was silent after that one. I just froze. I felt like he just reached in my heart and tore open the oldest wound I had. My father. Sure he left when I was like two but my mother caused what I feel like now. She was a raging alcoholic after he left and never forgot to blame me in her drunken stupors. I remember when I was nine and she told me the moment my father saw what I was going to become he told her she wasn't worth anymore and left. After I told my teacher, CPS came a couple times and she never forgot what she caused. She became the laughing stalk of the town and the required AA meetings didn't help. Some days she couldn't even face me. With her sobriety she was forced to realize how awful she had been. She began to be treated for depression and the mix of that and no booze left her stranded. She was 35 and still growing up and came up to her last hand she had left to play. I honestly try not going down this road but for the sake of possibly becoming non-insane it may help. I was fourteen and I can vividly remember hearing the pill bottle fall to the ground and just appearing by my mother’s side. Apparently I had already called 911 because I heard the sirens. She was luckily already confirmed stable on the way to the hospital. The majority of the pills got caught in her throat and she was choking. They got her to spit them out and she was resting. I was in the waiting room when a CPS worker walked in.
“Nora Clive please come with me.” He said quite cold.
“But..I haven’t seen my mom yet.”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“NO! I WILL NOT BE GOING AWAY AGAIN! You stuck me in different homes with fifteen different kids for weeks hoping it would help me when all it did was screw me up as much as my mom was! I was offered drugs and alcohol daily and you say that was putting me in a stable condition? I had to become more of an adult that most of my foster parents were in a total of four years for the sake of saving me from the only family I had!”
He started to come for me and I just thrashed. I ended up clawing his eye pretty bad and kicking him in place a fourteen year old should never hit a man. As we went to get reinforcements I ran to my mom’s room. The white everything blurred in my vision as I passed stretchers and nurses with confused looks. I found her and she just looked at me wide eyed with the sincere regret. I hugged her and said I would never blame her for anything. It was us against the world and she was all I had. I needed her and she needed me to keep each other afloat. The CPS workers came and took me. I had to go away for another two years while my mom had to prove she was recovered.

“I am so sorry.” Jon said springing me back into reality. I just walked up to the bathroom, locked the door, and cried.
Sitting on the toilet, bawling my eyes out with and obvious Jon waiting for me outside the door was not my ideal way of the evening going. It would have been our first time really together after the whole therapist incident. Maybe he was trying to push me away for something. But what could that be? I guess mentally unstable isn’t the ultimate trait in a partner but he seemed to put up with it well in the past two years. Where had our romance gone? We used to have fancy dinners in uptight restaurants and make fun of all the bigwigs. We had those movie moments with us on the couch and eating Chinese while watching a bad movie. We had friends and acquaintances but that all seemed to change. Maybe I had been too wrapped up in my own head to realize what was really going on around me. People were slowly disappearing from my life and what was there that I could do? I really did enjoy the company of people. Honestly! Playing charades with friends or having nice family dinners. I always loved Jon’s parents. When they found out about my dad, his father said I could always call him dad. He never understood quite how much that meant to me. I really thought Jon was “the one”. When I was younger I never saw myself as getting married and settling down. The thought of kids still sends my head spinning. Yet, when I thought about all that stuff with Jon, it just felt right. I could truly see it happening. It allowed me to live a normal life with a loved one. My mom was finally turning around. She had a stable, well paying job. She was no longer needed to be on medication and she actually seemed happy. Our friends enjoyed hanging out with us. I don’t think I even mentioned them, did I? Shows how important they are now. Anyway, we had a close group of five. There was Jon and I, along with Alice, Jeff, and Jenny. Alice was quiet but energetic. Jeff and Jenny were a couple and how cute did that seem? Both names starting with a J! Couldn't be more perfect, right? Wrong. They were that odd couple that liked to fight in front of everyone. They had their cute honeymoon period when they first started dating in college. We knew Jenny first when she introduced us to Jeff. He was handsome, tall, had sandy blonde hair, and chocolate brown eyes. After about two months the words started to gain volume. Sometimes the fights about stupid stuff was funny but other times, I was afraid I would have to call the police to report domestic abuse. On their own, both were extremely pleasant to be around. Jeff was sweet and caring while being a little flirtatious with everyone. Jenny was bubbly and a tad dim-witted but she kept a tight grasp on what was going around her. During the course of the past year they kind of disappeared from my life. Alice found a boy and became sick of being the fifth wheel. Jeff and Jenny went to couples counseling and were told to stay out of touch with close friends for a bit. Jon, I was hoping, wouldn't end up like that. I should really consider looking them up.

“Hi mom.”
“Hey honey! How is everything? Kinda late isn't it?”
“I’m just…a little…”
“Do you need me to come see you? I may be able to help!”
“No..no. It’s not that major. I just wanted to hear someone else’s voice.”
“Well, I am always here for you. Promise.”
“I love you mom.”
“Love you too sweetie. Now tell me what’s going on.”
“Just, I got into a fight with Jon.”
“Oh dear! I’m sorry. It happens to the best of couples.”
“Mind if I ask you a question?”
“Sure honey! Anything.”
“Do you know where dad is?”
The phone went silent. I had to check to make sure that she didn’t hang up on me.
“Where is this coming from?”
“No where. Maybe it might help to talk to him.”
“That is a bad road you do not want to go down Nora. There is a reason why he left and you don’t need to be exposed to that.”
“Well tell me mom! I can handle it!”
“Please. Don’t. I am really sorry honey but it’s not that I don’t think you can handle it. I worry…I can’t.”
“Well is there anything you can tell me?”
“…He is alive if that helps. I don’t really know much more about him now. He still lives somewhere in the state but that could be anywhere.”
“I guess I can’t really ask for much more. But what do I do with Jon?”
“If he was to blame, give him a chance. You both have put each other through hell. You deserve a little heaven like peace.”
“I’m glad you're around.”
“Me too. I get to see what wonderful things you will become.”
I could hear the smile in her voice. She really was happy.
“Love you mom. Talk soon.”
“Love you too. You will always be in my heart.”

We hung up after that. The last bit, “You will always be in my heart.”, was kind of like her catch phrase. She said it all the time to me after the incident. It warmed my soul every time. It was all the love she could give me in one sentence. My mother was a kind soul originally and now. Since she is now thirteen years sober she went back to who she truly was. Since my dad left she legally change hers and mine name to her maiden name Clive. I got my name from her great grandmother and she got hers, Annabelle, from the grandmother before her. I got my dirty blond hair and petite nose from her. She also had a shorter stature than me, measuring about 5’4” compared to my 5’7”. She was naturally thin like me and that was our greatest asset since neither of us had much of an ass. She was really beautiful. I’m surprised she didn't get scooped back up in the dating game right away. Anyway, I came out of the bathroom to see Jon sitting across from the door. He went to give me a hug and I generously accepted. “Why do still stick with me?” I said. He hesitated a moment. “Because…we need each other. Through better or worse.” And with that we stayed together for at least one day more. Everything sort of went back to normal and we enjoyed the rest of our evening. We went to bed and hoped for another normal day. Things were looking up.
I woke up pretty late in the morning. Jon was obviously gone. I came into the kitchen and was surprised by a sweet love note for me on the counter. He loved doing that. I used to have competitions with him and see who would wake up earlier and leave the first one. Due to the now pressing conditions, he won quite a lot. He was glad though and they really made my day. I decided to stay home to completely remove the possibility of yesterday happening again. I almost forgot what this apartment looked like. I was glad I got to enjoy it for the day without having to worry about stupid doctor visits and constant lunches with my mom. I made some oddly shaped pancakes and some bacon because I was famished. I made more than I wanted so I put some in a zip lock bag to save some for Jon. He loved breakfast food for some reason. After breakfast I decided that a shower was a pretty good idea. The warm water helped clear my sleepy daze I still had and the cool air afterward helped me spring into the day. When I got out of the bathroom I must have taken a wrong turn as I had no idea where I was. I was left standing in front of door that opened into another hallway. In the hallway there were three doors. The first was just a linen closet that had an old vacuum and spare toilet paper. The second was what looked like a gutted spare bathroom that hadn’t been repaired since 1985. The third was the most interesting. It was locked. It had an old door handle that was opened by, what looked like, a really old key. I got dressed fast and started searching. Thinking that Jon was the one who hid it, I checked some spots I could think of. A fake bottom to a drawer, a back shelf in another linen closet, and the old bin in our closet turning up empty. As I was looking in the closet I found a really old looking chest. I began to recognize it as my great grandmother Nora’s, as she liked to call it, treasure box. My mom gave it to me after her mother died a couple years back. Inside was a tiny sock, and old picture of her, and the key! Hooray my curiosity would finally be relieved! I ran to the secret door and unlocked it as quickly as I could. As I opened the door I was greeted by a sparkling clean nursery. It all flooded back to me as Jon grabbed me from behind out of the room and locked the door. We had a room completely ready for a baby. My baby. The one who never came home.
I didn't get out of bed for days. How could I ever forget? My baby boy, laying still in my hands as he slowly faded out of reality. When I think back on it, a lot more makes sense. The required therapist visit, friends slowly fading away, and my mom getting even more attached. He never even had a name. Maybe that made it easier. I never planned one and neither did Jon. I just thought that when I looked him in the eyes, I would know. I never got that luxury. He spent his last moments in the arms that would never care for him. Someone I could truly put all my love into and not feel bad or anxious. Mothers were supposed to have all the embarrassing and full heavy hearted love. I could show him how the world would cherish and crush him. I would show his baby pictures to his future loved one. He would have been someone who would love me and I would love him no matter what. But now that’s all he is. What would have been.

When Jon came home from work and saw me in the kitchen I could see the shock in his face. I ran to him and had the embrace of a life time. I could officially have clarity over all of this. I was insane, for a little while anyway. I faced what I feared the most. The unknown. Something so scary and heart wrenching that even my own self couldn't handle it. My brain blocked it and everyone acted careful around me. My friends stayed away for fear of accidentally bringing it up or springing some sort of memory. But why did Jon keep the nursery? Was he still too fragile to face cleaning it out and just locked our baby away from his memory too? Jon was just as crazy as I am but he kept collected. His mind could handle it since he never met the child. He was forced to leave the delivery room as soon as the doctors started noticing complications. What do I do now? Will Jon and I clean out the nursery? Call my mom and tell her what I know? Could I handle even speaking about it. The whole time I laid in that dreaded bed so much crap went through my mind. Suicide, self harm, and leaving. That was checked out of my mind fast as I realized how selfish that would be. Not only would I be giving up on what could be a great life but leaving Jon and my mother with another loss in their life. Jon just held me as a silent truth rang through our heads. We needed each other, and that’s how it was going to stay.
The next couple days were a blur. There wasn't much to be done yet it seemed I was missing out on something. Well, missing out on the last year of my life wasn't too great. Jon and I were back together with hopeful plans of moving forward. I told him I still had the ring and that made him happy.. But it was all for the best. We were moving on and making our lives normal again.

Finally my life was okay again. But what was I going to do now? Was normal too boring? Maybe I should write a book. Life and Lessons by a Normal Person.