The Test
Ah, the fateful day was June 21st. If you don’t already know, that’s my birthday. That day was the day that I was going to become a man. Becoming thirteen was a big deal for all boys in my community. It was the day that a boy took what was collectively known as “The Test” which qualified a boy to take the next leap to become a man. It was a ritual that all males partook in. Everyone’s father, grandfather, great grandfather, and even great-great grandfather had taken the test. This rite of passage was a tradition bequeathed to each new generation. That sunny, summer morning, I woke up in my twin-sized bed ready to enter the next challenge in my life. Most mornings, my mother woke me up, but today was different. My father was the one who first greeted me on my first day into the trip of masculinity.
“Eric, today is a big day in a boy’s life,” he explained a deep fatherly voice which I would soon have, “I’ve told you, and I’m sure many other males in your life have told you that today is the day that you become a man.”
While my father was talking, I was questioning the certainty of it all. I mean, what if I didn’t become a man? I still have to take the Test, and what if I failed? I’m not guaranteed to pass it.
“Dad, I’m a little nervous for it all,” I timidly admitted in my soft, high, boy-like voice, “for the test. You know, what if I don’t pass it? Then, I won’t become a man! That’s not something I can live with.”
“Don’t be worried, champ! I’ll admit. I felt exactly like you when it was my time, but they purposely make the test easy. I mean, every boy needs to become a man! What if the Test was hard? Then, we’d have a whole bunch of males in our society would still be boys. Don’t be worried whatsoever. You’ll do great. I believe in you, Eric.”
My father was right. The Test is designed so that the lowest common denominator can pass it. It wasn’t a challenge, for it was more like a rubber stamp into manhood. There was no reason for me to be worried. Besides, I was one of the brightest my peers, so I definitely was going to pass.
After the pep talk from my father, I bursted out of my bedsheets ready to face the challenges of manhood and opened my door with a pair of new eyes to help me in observing the world in a new perspective.
My darling mother was in the kitchen frantically cooking my family eggs and bacon for breakfast, while my twin brother and my little brother were sitting at the counter eager to eat.
“Eat up!” my mother ordered, “You guys, need fuel to take your tests!”
I took a look at my twin brother, Will; he was taking the Test today with me. I was born five minutes before him, but everyone always thought that I was two years younger than him. He was much more physically developed than me. He was much taller and more muscular than me, and he was much more handsome than me. Every time I stood near him,
Craig Schwerin 11 January 2013
he always towered over me like a giant. He even had a deep manly voice exactly like our father’s! Sometimes when he talked, people couldn’t tell the difference between the two of them. However, my voice and my father’s voice were easily distinguishable. Whenever we were together with people, all the attention was directed towards him and none was ever to me. I was always the ignored twin, the left out one. Will got attention from the popular kids, girls and everyone basically while I practically received no praise. Even my own father preferred Will over me. I guess Will was closer to manhood than me and thus more relatable. We always had a bad relationship. Throughout my whole life, I had been sort of rivals with him, but no matter what, he had the upper hand in any comparison. Maybe after today, after I became a man, people will start accepting me and start seeing Will and me as equals.
Then, I looked at my little brother Timmy. He was still only ten years old which was something that I was relatively jealousy. Whenever I thought about being ten, a sense of yearning and desire flowed throughout my body. Oh, how great it was when we were all still ten. There are no social pressures from peers, and ten-year-olds haven’t seen any negatives to the world. Everyone’s perfect and identical. No one is better than one another, and everyone is nice. Though they are oblivious to reality in the world, maybe that oblivity is a good thing. It preserves their innocence just that much longer. However, I had to be ready to grow up. I was becoming a man today, and my childhood was drifting behind me.
My mother had just finished cooking the bacon and eggs and kept pestering us, “Eat your eggs! Eat your bacon! You want plenty fuel for your Tests, boys!”
My little brother Timmy innocently asked, “Mom, why can’t I take the Test? Why can’t I become a man?”
My father butted in and answered Timmy’s innocent plea for masculinity, “The time’s not right for you, Timmy. Every man in this town took the Test when he was thirteen, and every boy in this town will take the Test when he turns thirteen. There aren’t going to be any radical changes to old traditions.
I had just finished scarfing down my eggs when my mother announced, “Well boys, it looks like it’s about time for me to take you down so you can start to take your Tests. You don’t want to be late for such an important date!”
“Honey, the boys need to go down by themselves,” my father suggested, “Besides, there going to be men soon! They need to know how to be independent.”
“Okay, I guess you’re right, dear,” my mother sighed as if she wanted us to be little boys for just a little bit longer.
Will and I walked to the door. We were ready to face a new world which stood before us until our father stopped us. Our father ran up to Will and tussled with his hair a little, “Go get ‘em, Will. After today, you’re gonna be havin’ so many ladies that you’re gonna need a bat to get ‘em off!” They both chuckled without me.
Then, my father leaned over to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said in a quieter voice, “Don’t be nervous, son. No matter what happens today, you’re still going to become a man.”
Well, Will and I stepped out the door with our father’s pieces of advice, and the
world felt different in a good way. It was definitely apparent that it was summertime. The air was not frigid anymore, for it had a cool, crisp summer breeze. It gently tickled my youthful skin. The sun was shining on the trees. Birds and squirrels played enthusiastically in the large, vibrant apple trees that were prolific with fruit. There could not have been a more perfect day to become a man.
“I was going to meet up with Martin and them to go over and get take Tests. After we pass them, we’re go celebrate a little. You can tag along if you want to,” Eric said.
Martin and his friends were the popular kids. I would do anything to hang out with them, but no matter how hard I tried, they never socially accepted me. However, they always hung out with Will, and whenever I “tagged along”, they pretended like I didn’t exist. Whenever I said something, they just ignored it. It was terrible, but maybe when I became man with them, they would finally like me.
Will and I silently walked for awhile, and then met up with Martin and his friends.
“Sup, dude!” Martin greeted Will while giving him some handshake that only the cool kids did, “Are you ready to party tonight? My brother got me a whole case of beers. I also got some weed. All the girls are coming too. It’s gonna be sick.”
“Awesome, dude!” my brother replied.
Today would be perfect for me to be finally accepted by that group; we would just party and celebrate us becoming men together! It would be a great time.
“So, are we going to take our Tests?” my brother asked.
“Not yet, man,” Martin replied, “We’re gonna do something first.”
Martin was oddly carrying some cartons of eggs with him. What did he need eggs
for while he was taking the test?
We were walking and I asked everyone (which took me a lot of courage), “What if
some of us flunk the Test?”
Everyone laughed at me; I definitely shouldn’t have asked that.
“Are you kidding me?” Martin argued, “They design the Test so retards can pass it.
Everyone here . . .” there was a pause, “even you, Eric, is going to pass this.”
Everyone started laughing at what Eric said. Even though I didn’t find anything that
he said to be funny, I still laughed. This was ostensibly outer camaraderie with me and Martin and his friends, but in reality, it was a desperate inner plea for acceptance.
“But if you somehow don’t pass it,” Martin continued, “then, you’ll end up like Arthur Foster. No girlfriend. No friends, and no life.”
Everyone laughed, so then I laughed too. Arthur Foster was the main laughingstock of my neighborhood. About twenty years ago, he took the Test but didn’t pass which was an extremely rare event, so all the other men in the neighborhood have mocked him every since. However, I personally never liked the thought of making fun of a guy who has done no harm to anyone, but whenever his name came up in a joke, I always went along and laughed.
We kept walking on the sidewalk, and beside us were fairly large houses. After a long row of nice houses, a home that fell out of place caught my eye. It was fairly run-down, old, and at least the size of all the rest. The grass on the lawn was overgrown, but I still was fond over it. It seemed more like a unique humble home instead of just
another identical oversized expensive structure.
“This crappy shack is it. Yeah, this is the one, “ Martin said to himself.
Martin put down the cartons of eggs and opened them.
“Here you go, boys. Let’s do this,” Martin said as he was initiating something. What
was he doing?
Every boy grabbed eggs, even Will. However, I did not. I didn’t agree with the idea of
egging people’s property.
“Do you even know whose home this is, Martin?” I asked.
“Of course! Don’t you know whose house this is?” Martin replied like he was
mocking me. I shook my head no.
“Really? Okay. This is Arthur Foster’s house! He won’t know what was coming to
him!” Martin enthusiastically explained.
All the boys were egging the house. They were hurling eggs one after another.
Yolk and whites slowly slid down the walls and the windows of the house. Everyone was doing it, so I grabbed a single egg. I hesitated for a moment because I was debating the morality of it all. This was an individual’s home. How would I like it if a bunch of punks catapulted eggs on my home? However, only one egg couldn’t be bad. The walls and windows were already caked in so much yolk that someone couldn’t notice one more egg. I convinced my conscience that it was okay, so I targeted a good place to throw. I noticed a window devoid of egg juices, so I pitched my egg as hard as I could on that. The egg splattered, and the yolk crawled down the glass. I began looking harder in the window, and I noticed a single man who was staring into space and sitting alone in a chair. That must have been Arthur Foster! I then realized that he was an individual person. He was just as much a person as anyone else in this town. I thought that nobody would notice my yolk, but I was completely wrong. I noticed it. My conscience plagued my body with guilt afterwards. How could someone be so remorseful about doing something and then be so eager to do it a few minutes before? I distanced myself from the boys without totally isolating myself.
“Well, I think that we did a good job boys!” Martin announced, “Now, let’s go become men!”
We marched along the sidewalk while eagerness flowed through our veins. I was prepared for this test! I was ready! All my nervousness somehow faded away. My father’s speech to me that day was repeating itself in my brain. Strangely, Martin’s comment, “They design the Test so retards can pass it”, repeated in my mind too. Now, I definitely wasn’t a retard. No, I was smart! There was no possible way that I could flunk the Test!
We arrived at the Testing Facility. It towered high over us puny children. However, in a few minutes, we would leave the building, and it would not tower over us anymore. We were going to be men! Nothing of any caliber could intimidate us!
I laboriously opened the gigantic, heavy door. This would be my last door to open before I would become a man, for it was my last entrance into a new place. After this, I would not be afraid to open any door; I would be prepared to face any new challenge or experience. The smell of maturity titillated my nostrils as I stepped into the building.
We all walked up to the check-in counter. There was an old man there who was
eagerly waiting to admit us into manhood. He had wispy white hair and glasses of wisdom. He was examining me with his periwinkle eyes as if he was verifying that I was ready to become a man. He towered over me like so many other people, but after I took my test, just like the giant door, he would not.
We aligned ourselves behind the counter. The old man asked everyone their name and their birthday. I was so eager to become a man that I didn’t even realize when it was my turn at the counter. “Your name and birthday, son” the old, wise man asked.
“My name is Eric Witherford. I was born on June 21st, and I’m thirteen as of today.”
“You may enter the testing room,” the man told me as he directed his hand towards the room, but it was more than that. When the wise, old man permitted me take my Test was when the entire adult male community accepted me as one of them. I eagerly opened the door to the place where I would become a man. I was completely ready. The Test is designed so that retards can pass! There is no possible way that I could flunk.
There were about twenty seats in the room. Hundreds of boys had become men right in these very seats, and I was continuing the legacy. I proudly sat in one of the them, but it wasn’t just one seat out of another identical twenty. This seat was my seat to enter manhood in.
Another older man who looked almost exactly like the one at the counter was standing in the front of the room; he must have been the proctor. He was holding a stack of papers which must have been the Tests. Somewhere in there, there was a Test specifically for me, Eric Witherford.
“Good morning, good morning, boys!” the proctor greeted everyone as they entered the room and sat in their specific seats, “Today is a very important in a boy’s life, and I’m sure many other males in your life have told you that today is the day that you become men.”
These were the type of fatherly words of advice that wise men passed on to young, youthful men.
“You will have thirty minutes to complete the Test. However, you may submit it earlier, and I will tell you whether you passed or failed immediately,” the man explained, “But I’m absolutely sure that all of you will pass. You all look like fine, intelligent boys. After all, they design the Test so that retards can pass it.”
Everyone laughed as if they all connected to what the man was talking about. I didn’t find the joke to be that funny, but because everyone else did, I laughed anyway.
“Okay, are we all ready? Let’s begin.”
The wise man began passing out the Tests. Any moment now, I would know what the Test to become a man involved, but it didn’t really matter because the test way going to be easy. There was no possible way that I could fail. After all, they design the Test so that retards can pass it, and I’m definitely not a retard. I’m smart! In fact, I’m probably smarter than most of the boys in this room. I’ll probably pass; no, actually, I’ll definitely pass.
Before I knew it, the Test was right there on my desk. The cover read “The Official Test into Manhood -- Version #3223”. With eagerness and a sense of ability, I lifted the cover which was an enormous challenge even though it was only a single piece of paper.
I blazed through the questions. This was easy! I guess Dad, Martin, that proctor, and
everyone were right; they do make the Test for retards! Before I knew it, I filled in the last question. I was finally done and finally a man! A few question may have stumped me, but there were so many questions that those couldn’t have affected my score much. I still definitely passed.
I proudly marched with relief up to the proctor and submitted my paper. Now it was time to receive my score which would be a big, fat, red “PASSED” of course! The proctor donned his spectacles of wisdom and read over all my answers. He grabbed his red pen and wrote the glorious grade on the Test.
“Here you go,” the proctor said as he handed me back my grade.
Here we go! I was finally a man! Nobody would treat me like a kid anymore! I couldn’t wait to......
Wait a second! What was that mark on my paper? No, it couldn’t be. My mind was just playing tricks on me. A big, fat, red “FAILED” was inscribed on my paper. How could this be? I was so prepared! Soooooo prepared! I thought that they made the Test for retards! Did this mean that I was a retard? This was absolutely impossible! Most importantly, how would all the other boys -- excuse me, men now -- react? They were going to laugh at me! Now because I failed this test, I would be even further isolated from Martin and his friends. Plus, what would my father think? Will passed, and I didn’t! How would that go down at the dinner table. How would he feel about his own son not becoming a man? How dare I
shame him like that! I guess now I’m plagued by a life like that of Arthur Foster’s. I would never leave my house. All of society would seclude me. I would never have any friends. I would never actually live life.
I trudged back to my seat in shame as I watched elated men walk back to theirs.
Now I was the only boy in that room, and I would be the only boy in my community for my whole life. Society has imprisoned into a cell bounded by the confines of childhood. However, it was like there was a window out of my cell where I could see all the other men live their full lives. The people outside would look in and gawk at me like some kind of zoo animal as they do to Arthur Foster. Well, maybe other kids failed it. I am one of the brightest amongst my peers, so if I failed, a lot of other kids probably did too!
“Congratulations! You all have passed the Test and are all officially men!” the proctor joyously exclaimed. However, he was not congratulating me, for I was still just a mere child.
“C’mon, guys! Let’s go celebrate!” Martin exclaimed as everyone else cheered, got out of their seats, and left the building.
I waited a few seconds before I left because I just didn’t feel apart of that group. Will didn’t even realize that I stayed behind; he must not even consider me his brother. With my chin down, I shuffled out of building and began following Martin and everyone while still keeping a good distance.
“Did you guys get the question about what to do if a wild black bear come towards you?” someone asked.
“No, you know that the Test is different for everyone, right?” Martin answered, “Anyway, are you guys getting pumped for the party. Everyone’s gonna be there. All the girls are gonna be there. Erin Williams. Tina Anderson. Dana Robinson. You name ‘em.”
All that talk just blew over my head. I couldn’t even remember a single question that I got. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that I failed. Plus, how could I go to that party. There was going to beer, weed, and girls there, and I was still a boy. I couldn’t be involved with any of that stuff.
It felt necessary for me to tell someone that I failed. I needed to get it off my chest, but nobody there was a good person to tell. Maybe, I could confide in Will. Even though he might have told Dad, it would still be much better to tell him over Martin or any of them.
“Will!” I called, but he couldn’t hear me. My words meant nothing to anyone. “Will!”
He finally came over, “What the hell is it, Eric?!”
“I need to tell you something,” timidly whimpered in my boy-like voice. “Well, spit it out!” he scolded in his deep, masculine roar.
It took all my strength to get the words out, “Well . . . I failed the test.”
“What?! You failed the test!” Will yelled so that everyone else could hear.
“You failed the test, Will?” Martin said to mock me.
Everyone started to laugh at me. The inevitable was about to occur. Now everyone
in town would know that I failed, and now I was going to become the new Arthur Foster. My life would now be ruined, and I would become the new laughingstock.
As we kept walking, Martin and his friends continued to laugh and talk about the party that I couldn’t go to was going to be. The group started moving ahead of me, so with every step, I became more isolated. In the distance, Arthur Foster’s house peeked out from the horizon. There was a man walking out of the house. Was that Arthur? Was he actually leaving his house?
The group kept walking, and I kept getting slower. I noticed that Will was with them too. He’d rather be accepted by Martin and everyone else than be standing up for me. Soon enough, I couldn’t see them anymore. I finally arrived at Arthur Foster’s driveway and bumped into him as he was getting his mail. He turned around, and his body towered over me. Boy, he must have been at least 6-and-a-half feet.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” he apologized as he grabbed his mail ,”My name’s Arthur Foster. Nice to meet you!”
He gave me a nice, firm, masculine handshake. Maybe Arthur was a man after all even though he never passed the Test.
“My name’s Eric Williams,” I confidently greeted myself, “and today is my thirteenth birthday.”
Maybe the person to talk to was someone who was actually experienced my troubles unlike Will, and that person was Arthur Foster.
“Mr. Foster, I know this might kind of a tough subject for you talk about, but you never passed the Test, right?”
“What test?” Arthur asked and then hesitated, “Oh, the Test. Yeah, I never passed it. Why are you asking about it?”
“Well, I just took it, and . . .” I said then paused, “I flunked it.”
Arthur looked at me with confusion like he didn’t know why I was so embarrassed about it.
“Why was that so hard for you to admit? It’s just a dumb test. It doesn’t mean anything,” Arthur explained.
“Of course it does! It’s makes you a man!” I argued.
“Kid, you don’t really understand growing up, do you? A boy passes the Test when he stops caring about the thoughts of the crowd and when he becomes ready to face any challenge that he has. I can tell from how you’re reacting about the situation that it’s gonna take a bit longer for you to truly pass the Test.”
“Well, I just don’t want my life to end up like yours. You have to deal with your house getting egged all the time,” I explained as I pointed to the dried yolks on his walls from earlier that day.
“What the hell is wrong with my life? I’m happy. I’m healthy. I have a good job. Life is great for me. My life isn’t any less respectable than any other guy’s,” Arthur explained, “Also, about the egging, I find it ironic that the boys who are the most childish are the ones who mock me for not passing a dumb written test. All those boys who just passed that dumb test have yet to pass their true test into manhood. They’ll all be children for a long time.”
Remorse ran through my body. I had been relying on a stereotype from other people to judge this genuine man. Arthur Foster wasn’t any less of a person than anyone else in town. He had just a good life as anyone else.
“Then, what are all those rumors about you being a total loner about?” I asked.
“The reason that anybody says stuff about me like that is because they’re insecure about their own masculinity and social standing, so they redirect the negative attention to me. The only people who talk about those thing are juvenile and immature. I don’t let that talk bother me whatsoever, and you shouldn’t either.”
As I said goodbye to Arthur Foster, all of his words absorbed into my mind. Why should I even care about what people say about me not passing some dumb test? Anyone who does mock me has yet to pass the true test of growing up. The Test of Manhood isn’t some dumb paper that the city gives to you. The Test comes at a different time for everyone, and it only comes when one is ready to grow up. Some people never even take the Test, and they go through life with a sense of false maturity. Everyone says that after a boy passes the test that the city gives to him, he becomes a man. I mean look at what happens to those kids after the test. Their voices change. They grow hair everywhere. They get tall and muscular. They’re able to have children, but that isn’t growing up. That’s just aging, and that’s a biological process that everyone goes through. Only some actually and truly grow up.
After I was done talking to Arthur, I looked out into the sunset, and there was someone standing on the sidewalk in the distance. Who was that? As I got closer, their silhouette became recognizable to me. That was Will! What was he doing there? Shouldn’t he be chugging beer, smoking weed, and making out with girls at that party? After all, he was a man, and I wasn’t.
“Will, what are you doing here?” I shouted.
Will didn’t tower over me anymore. In fact, I could barely notice a difference between our heights.
“I wanted to walk home with my brother, Eric,” Will said to me.
“Why aren’t you at the party, Will?” I jealously asked, “There’s beer, weed, and girls there.”
“Oh, I didn’t want to waste my time with some dumb kids who think that they’re mature,” Will paused for a moment, “Listen, Eric. I’m really sorry that I was making fun of you for not passing. Actually--” he paused for a moment again and looked down at the sidewalk as if he was ashamed of something, “I didn’t pass either. I just wanted to fit in with Martin and everyone, so I said that I passed. Then, when you told me that you didn’t, I made fun of you.”
I realized that something changed in Will’s mind after taking that dumb test. Will found out what becoming an adult meant. That party was just full of dumb children trying to get accepted by everyone else. Even though all of them had passed that test, there still weren’t any men there. There’s no maturity gained through chugging beers, smoking weed, having sex, and most importantly, writing down answers on a meaningless paper, and that’s something that those kids have yet to realize. They’re just not just ready to grow up.
“Let’s just go home, Eric. I don’t need a dumb paper to prove that I’m a man”
That was the last thing that Will said to me that day. It may seem insignificant, but I’ve never forgotten it. After that moment, my immature jealousy of Will finally had passed, and the childish rivalry had ceased. As Will and I walked home, the sun set to finally end June 21st, my thirteenth birthday and the day that I grew up.