Someone once told me “If you love something set it free” well I guess, I wasn’t loved then. My name is Karma Phoenix, and now you know my name but, you don’t know my story. I grew up in a small town. The town although I grew up in it, was never a home to me. I grew but the small town never did. It always stayed the same and probably always will. The places we know although may stay the same, somehow we always change. Change is inevitable whether we want it or don’t; it happens. It can be beautiful, it can be painful.

  I can still remember the first time we met as if it were yesterday…

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry here let me help you,” Karma exclaimed as she reached to grab the hand that belonged to the mysterious mahogany haired girl.
“It’s fine no harm no foul” the beautiful stranger said as a small smile ran across her face. “My name’s Robin what’s yours?”
“My name’s Karma,” she smiled, as she pulled Robin to her feet.

“That’s a cool name what does it mean?”
“To be honest I don’t even know,” Karma laughed as she ran her hands through her wavy auburn hair.
“Well I hate to rush but, I’m supposed to meet my brother, It was really nice meeting you Karma. I’ll see you around.”

As she walked home that question kept burning through her mind “What does it mean?” A name is just that, a name. We give names to things of all sorts. We give them to people, places, and things. We give names to our property. Names what is their purpose? What does mine mean? How is it apart of me? She tossed and turned in the night thinking of just that one question that was asked in pure innocence. How could one question mean so much? Why did one question mean so much? She laid there all alone in her bed with the thoughts spinning through her head. She watched the sky go from a pitchblack sans the beauty of the stars and the mystery of the moon, to a pale blue and purple with the faint light that comes before the sun has fully risen. Then and there she realized she hadn’t and probably wouldn’t get any sleep.

Somehow she pulled herself together and ended up in front of a mirror. A mirror is something in which we see our reflection, we see ourselves. We see the flaws. We see the beauty. We see the pain. We see the person in front of us and we think we know them. The question is do we really?

She looked at herself in the mirror her emerald green eyes had turned slightly red and misty. She filled the sink with warm water and began to splash her face. She was tired in more ways than one and here in the mirror she couldn’t lie to herself. This mirror showed everything, there was nowhere to run and hide. The truth was standing right in front of her.

We were told we’d never amount to anything sans our mind, our education, people's’ approval, and people’s love. We were told we’d waste our life if we didn’t have God in it. We were told what to do everyday of our lives for as long as we can remember. She dried her face and continued to stare confusedly at her reflection. The feelings came in waves that seemed to swallow her whole. Looking blankly at the emerald green eyes that stared back at her she stood there alone and broken. Then out of nowhere there was a loud thump on her window. She ran quickly to see what had caused the noise, or in this case who had caused the noise. She looked out her window to see the face of a smiling familiar stranger. She lifted her window to see the smile written across the face of the mahogany hair colored girl she had just met.

“What are you doing here?”
“I’m walking you to school come on let's go!” She was hesitant at first, but what the hell she had nothing to lose.

“Hang on one second I’m just gonna grab my stuff then I’ll meet you downstairs.” Karma said anxiously.
“Why don’t you just climb down?” asked the beautiful stranger.
“Umm well it’s um not safe and I would just rather…”
“What cat got your tongue? Come on scaredy cat! You only live once”, shouted the stranger.

“Fine catch!” Karma threw her black and white zebra striped backpack to the mysterious stranger. “Nice throw scaredy cat” the stranger laughed as Karma climbed down from her window.
“I have a name you know, it’s Karma” the fiery young woman said as she placed both of her feet on the ground.

“Alright I will address you by your name from now on”, she said sighing lifting her eyebrows as she rolled her amber eyes.
“Oh Karma let me introduce you to my brother, this is Wren”, Robin smiled as she introduced the two to one another.
“It’s nice to meet you” Karma said extending her small dainty hand in his direction.
“I don’t shake hands”, he said as he looked at her with his piercing hazel eyes.

“Can I trust you to safely walk yourself to school or do I need to hold your hand Robin?”, he sarcastically asked her as he glanced down at the ground.
“First of all I am very capable of taking care of myself, and second of all why don’t you pull your head out of your rear end when you are talking to me,” she bluntly replied.

At hearing this he walked off leaving the two girls to themselves. The cold autumn air blew through his dark brown hair as he walked away from his sister and her new friend. He walked off carrying much with him, mostly things that were carried internally.

“I’m really sorry about him he can be such a jerk sometimes” Robin said as she ran her black fingernails through her long straight mahogany colored hair. “It’s ok I totally understand” Karma said as she fixed her clothes and hair from there messy state. “He has honestly been that way since we lost our mom and dad. He has been cut off and constantly defensive over everything big or small. He is never in a good mood and we don’t ever seem to be on the same page anymore like we used to be; I don’t know what happened to him. I love him but he needs to treat me like his sister, not a child and he needs to stop pushing me away,” she said as she handed the zebra backpack back to Karma.

“I’m really sorry about your loss Robin I had no idea,” she said as she gave Robin a hug. The two embraced for a moment of silence from then and there they have been friends and probably always will be. The two walked together and ended up in school a place where all people were told the same thing. “If you don’t pursue a higher education you will amount to nothing. If you fail here you will fail everywhere.” Days turned into weeks and weeks into months; the two somehow never missed a day of walking to school together. They walked through rain and shine. Robin was a free thinker and didn’t listen to the sayings of those above her. “You will never be anything”, these words were constantly said to her, but she never believed them.

“Don’t you ever get sick and tired of being told who to be or what to do? Karma?”, she asked exhaling loudly with frustration.
“I do what is expected of me”, Karma responded in a quiet voice.
“Haven’t you ever thought that there is more to life then what is expected of us, or what we are told?”, she asked looking at her friend in her emerald eyes.
“I’ve never thought of it like that before.”
“Well maybe you should”, Robin responded agitatedly. The two walked back to Karma’s house like they used to everyday; except this time it was different.

As the two were crossing the street a fast approaching car came out of nowhere. “Move out of the way Karma!”, Karma looked up in shock as her friend pushed her out of the way. The car went on driving not stopping to look at the damage it caused.
“Robin, Robin? Please say something anything! Please!”, Karma screamed as she fell to her knees grabbing her friend close to her. She lifted her friend with the strength she didn’t know she had and moved her to the side of the street.

As she waited for the ambulance to come the minutes seemed to tick by like an eternity. She cried holding her friend close to her; she prayed that she wouldn’t lose her. Robin was the only person she had ever kept in her life for this long; she was the only person she ever called a friend. Eventually the paramedics arrived to the scene in a large red and white ambulance. They took a badly bruised unconscious Robin to the hospital; Karma dared not to leave her side. She was there the whole time holding the hand that had long black fingernails attached to it; she was there from the time of the accident to the time they were in the hospital. The slow beeping of her friend’s heartbeat on the heartbeat monitor was a painful reminder that all of this was because of Karma. If she had been more careful she would’ve seen the car before her friend did. If she had gotten out of the way her friend wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed.

The tears rolled down her face making their way to her quivering lips. The taste of her salty tears was something she’d never forget. Then out of nowhere he ran in the room. She saw a different side of him; one she hadn’t seen in the now almost two years she’d known him. His hazel eyes matched hers; for both of their eyes were puffy, red, and flowing with tears. He grabbed his sister’s hand and fell to his knees. He begged that God show mercy and leave the one thing he cared about here on Earth with him.

“This is all my fault Wren. I’m so sorry; it should be me in that hospital bed not her” Karma cried looking deep into his hazel eyes.
“This isn’t your fault. You had no control over this. Stop beating yourself up it’s not what she would want”, he said as he embraced her.
“I feel like I’ve screwed everything up. I feel like this is all because of me. If only I listened to her; not only when she yelled at me to get out of the street, but when she told me to live my life for myself.” At this he looked at her the way no one else had before. He moved her auburn hair out of her face, and dried the tears from her eyes.

The two stood in the room together waiting and praying for a good outcome. They never let go of each other for the fear if they did they’d both be alone. A couple of hours turned into three, four, five, six, seven, and finally eight. The heartbeat monitor slowly started beeping faster and faster. The two pairs of eyes looked anxiously at the body that laid in the depressing uninviting bed. Then she opened her amber eyes and yet again the tears fell from the two pairs of eyes that loved her the most. She had survived all that had occured. God had given her a second chance or maybe it was karma. All the good that she had done for her friend and for her brother. Maybe the good outweighed the bad and this is why she had survived.

He crouched down and kissed his sister’s forehead thanking whatever higher power kept her here. “I love you so much Robin and I’m sorry for not always being a good brother to you. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you since mom and dad died. If it were up to me they’d be here for you and me.”
“I love you too Wren; you’re an amazing person and despite being a pain in the behind you are my brother and the only family I have left.”
“I guess you’re stuck with me then kid”, he said as a light chuckle and a sweet smile ran across his face.
“Robin you’re my best friend and I almost thought I lost you. I never want to feel that way again. In these last hours all I’ve thought about is you and how it should’ve been me. You are strong and I’ve been weak. You are independent and have your whole life ahead of you. All I have ahead of me is what is expected of me. You are still alive and I thank whatever saved you. I promise you that I will change not for you but for me too. I will no longer live for others but for myself. I will live life like there’s no tomorrow. I now know that life doesn’t owe us anything, and that we aren’t promised tomorrow.
Robin smiled and cried at hearing the words Karma spoke to her. The two had been together since that fateful day they accidentally ran into each other, and nothing will ever change that.

If you’re reading this then it’s already too late. You can’t change what we’ve done and you can’t change our minds. Most importantly you can’t change the past. It all started seventeen years ago when I, Karma Phoenix was brought into this world. I came into this world without a voice or a say and at times I still feel as if I don’t. My body breaths, heart still beats, but I am not alive.

Have you ever been judged so much that you gave up on showing others your true self? Have you ever been so conflicted that there’s two of you? You’re someone else around the people that critique you while you’re open with the people you trust. You hide all the things that make you, you, because there’s someone telling you what to do. You’re constantly told where to go, what to do, who to trust, who to love, who to be. Then there’s the part of you no one sees, the person that’s broken. You’re broken not from your own weakness but broken from the weakness of others. People push you and continue to push you to the point that you feel helpless. What I’ve learned is you can’t back down and you can’t give in. We will not be broken and we will never be controlled. You who try to control us, you with little compassion, you with little respect for mankind. You called us the damned. You called us the failures. You called us the regrets. Despite whatever you have said and whatever you will say we’ve won. We, me, Robin, and Wren.

I use to not know who I was or what my purpose is, but much has changed for me. I use to listen to what people told me. I use to listen to the wants of others and not myself. I use to live my life according to what others thought and what others wanted. I use to live for everyone, but me. I use to live my life but I wasn’t living. We are all due our lives. We all have the right to live them our way. We are one person, an individual. We are to make our own decisions and be accountable for them. Our basic freedoms of choice are just that “ours”. My life is for me to choose and for me to live. You cannot live my life for me and I cannot live your life for you. My freedom is mine your freedom is yours.

What is my name what does it mean? This was a question that I use to never think about; that was until someone unexpectedly walked into my life and forever changed it. My name is Karma Phoenix. Karma it’s a five letter word one that I have carried with me my whole life. I have carried the love, hate, pain, anger, sadness, happiness, and struggle that have come with that five letter word. Karma is seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation. The way I look at it is “What goes around comes around “ whatever we put out will all come back to us in the end. Karma is more than just a belief. Karma is my name and it defines me; for whatever I do in my life good or bad it will all be repaid to me in the end. This also goes for those who for years had control over not just me but other youths, or people who were weaker or lesser than them.

Phoenix is my last name. Phoenix, I didn’t choose it nor did the people before me choose it. Phoenix is a seven letter word given to me and to those before me. A Phoenix is a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to have lived hundreds of years ago in the Arabian wilderness. It was said that the Phoenix would burn itself on a funeral pyre and rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth. The Phoenix would do this and live through another cycle of years. The Phoenix has been a symbol of immortality, reborn idealism, and hope. This name was given to me along with the other.

I have come to understand that I was given these names for a reason. I’ve carried these names for seventeen years and I will continue to carry them with me until the day I die. These names are apart of me and although they don’t define me as a person they define what I represent. Karma is to represent that whatever you sow you will reap. This portrays me due to the fact that my life is mine and that I will live it my way and I will deal with all repercussions of my actions. Phoenix represents me because, I have risen above the ashes; I have found a way to escape from my cage of captivity. I have been to hell and back I have seen everything in between. I have been through the fire and flames and here I am alive and not burned. I am proof that the controlled do have hope; they can rise above and destroy the chains that ensnare them.

I am Karma Phoenix. I am hope, strength, and justice. I am one person, an individual, a woman, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a fighter, a rebel.