I was in a tunnel of complete darkness. In front of me was a blinding light. I
tried to turn around but felt myself getting forced forward until I stopped,
inches from the light. The darkness faded.

I was sitting in a black leather seat in the back of a taxi cab. The blinding
light seemed to be emitting from a small screen under a black dividing
glass. Next to the screen was a plaque.“River Styx taxi service, your
driver's name is Charon.”  The blinding white light faded, the words “Godlight TM brought to you by Metdeath” flashed,  and a man wearing a formal business suit appeared.

“Greetings”, the man said, “I am Secretary Hades. In a few minutes you will arrive at the Leave Of Life Baltimore International Airport where you
will be judged and your afterlife will be decided.”
“Oh my god”, I muttered, “I actually am dead.” Strangely that didn’t bother
me too much, knowing that I still existed and I still had a sense of self.

“As you travel, enjoy a selection of high quality music that our mixologists
picked out for you”, Hades said. He faded from the screen and The Ghosts “Eternity” started to play. I glanced out the window. The highway still looked like a normal highway. It didn’t look like a black void like I was expecting.

“Eternity” changed to “Another song about love” as signs for the airport
started popping up. The cab drove under a sign that said, “Departures” as
Mark Henders song “Phantom” started to play. A building looking not unlike
Baltimore’s BWI airport came into view.
The cab passed a valet parking lot and pulled up in front of the airport’s
single door. A sign hung above the door saying that it lead to “Hellagood
Airlines And Cloud Nine Airlines Departures.” I got out of the cab and walked into the airport. 
 

I looked around. The airport continued to look like BWI with some
differences. The ceiling was made of white marble while the floor was made
of black obsidian. In front of me was a long line of desks with no airline
names behind them. Attendants sat behind each desk. A sign advertised a
firm who claimed to reimburse you if you died in a tragic accident. Ignoring
the sign, I walked towards one of the desks. Out of nowhere, a woman in
black robes materialized in front of me.

“I see you died in a tragic accident”, she said, “do you want to purchase the
services of Passedawayman and Kaplan attorneys at law? We can reimburse you for up to-“

“Not interested”, I said.

“You’ll regret this”, she said with a sneer. The woman vanished into thin air. Shrugging, I took my place in line. As person after person was judged I begun
to feel slightly nervous. In front of me, I saw the attendant morph into a
demon and stuff an evil looking man into a sack.

“Next”, the attendant said. I walked up to her desk, now feeling extremely
nervous. The attendant drew a long silver stick. A laser shot out of the stick which passed over my body. A small beep came out of the stick and the blank rectangle behind the desk slid to the right revealing a “Cloud Nine Airlines” sign. Cliché artwork of cherubs and clouds decorated the sign.

“Welcome to Cloud Nine airlines”, the attendant said, “do you have any
baggage that crossed over with you? Gifts you were buried with?”

“No”, I said.

“I need to see a DD.”

“A what?”, I asked.
“You know how in life you had an ID?”, the attendant asked, “Identification?
Well now you have a DD, Deathdification. One should have automatically
appeared in your pocket.” I reached into my pocket, finding nothing.

“I don’t have one”, I said.

“You don’t have one?”, asked the attendant, “how is that possible?”

“I think a woman from Passedawayman And Kaplans stole it from me as
revenge for not accepting her services”, I said.

“You have forty eight hours to get it back”, the attendant said, “if your soul
remains in LIMBO for longer than that, you will dissipate and cease to exist. Good luck! Next!" 

Walking away from the desk , I noticed a directory hanging on the wall. A quick look told me that Passedawayman and Kaplans was located past security. Luckily, I noticed that a “Ludicrously Enormous Mallets” store was located before security, right next to the candy store. Sighing with relief, I dashed toward the store. As I ran, a plan formed in my head. I planned to purchase a mallet and smack my way through security. I also planned to purchase some candy since I was hungry.

I stood next to the entrance of the store. A wooden sign said, “Ludicrously Enormous Mallets. You Never know When They Will Come In Handy!”

“True”, I thought as I entered.

Enormous wooden mallets lined the wall along with video screens playing footage from old cartoons. The song “Mallet madness" by A.1. played from a hidden speaker. I walked up to the cashier.

“How may I help you?” the cashier asked.

“I would like the biggest mallet you’ve got”, I said.

“Sure!”, said the cashier. He reached under his desk and pulled out a particularly nasty looking one. “Bugs Bunny model 5 XL4, volume 3, slight oak finish, great for smashing things!”

“Thank you”, I said.

“That will be fifty thousand dollars”, said the cashier.

“I’m dead!”, I cried, “How will I get fifty thousand dollars?”

“Not my problem”, said the cashier. 
On the bottom shelf in front of the cashier, I noticed a blue shimmering square “What’s this?”, I asked, holding up the square.

“A plot convenience generator”, said the cashier, “It gives you the power of
plot convenience!”

“How is that possible?”, I asked. I picked up the plot convenience generator. Suddenly, a fifty thousand dollar bill appeared on the ground. I picked up the fifty thousand and handed it to the cashier. I took the mallet. It was surprisingly light.

“Take the plot convenience generator too”, the cashier said, “it may help you out in the future.”

“Thank you”, I said.

As I walked away, I noticed that the security line was getting pretty long. Not wanting to stand for that nonsense, I drew my mallet and swung it at the people waiting in line. The effects were immediate. Everyone hit with my mallet was blasted into the air. I approached the man sitting at the security desk.

“I need to see your DD”, the man said.

“Sorry ‘bout this!”, I cried. I raised the mallet and whacked the man on the head. Alarms started to blare.

“Security! We have a 9-13 repeat Security we have an …oof!” In action movie style slow motion I slammed my mallet into the security guard's head. I dashed into the main concourse. Passing the obligatory McDonalds restaurant, I heard the footsteps of five guards in hot pursuit. I wheeled around to see that they were pointing glowing sticks at me. One guard shot a bolt of white light out of his stick that barely missed.

“OK, that is cool!”, I admitted.

“Thanks”, said the guard, “destroy him!” As all five guards raised their sticks, I tapped the plot convenience generator. Lightning bolts rained down from the sky, disintegrating the five guards.

“Wooh!”, I cried. I walked over to the directory and saw that Passedawayman And Kaplans was right down the hall. I ran toward the firm, holding my mallet aloft. As I ran, I passed a Deathburger King, a DFC, and a Deathda Express. I also passed five more McDonalds for some reason. Ahead of me was a gold wall, blocking the rest of the hallway. The words, “Passedawayman And Kaplans” were printed into the wall above a wooden door. I threw my mallet. It flew through the air and hit the door, shattering it into many pieces. Glaring in anger I dashed through the door.

I stood in front of a curved white desk. Sitting at the desk was the woman
that stole my DD. “You could have knocked”, she said.

“Cut the small talk”, I said, “you stole my DD!”

“Why would I do that?”, she said coolly, “What would I want with a DD?”

“You took it as revenge!”, I shouted. “I’ll make you a deal”, I said. “You give it
back, and I won’t use my plot convenience generator to get it back.”

The woman pulled a glowing stick from her pocket. She flicked it at my plot
convenience generator, turning it to ashes.

“No!”, I cried, running at her with my mallet drawn. The woman drew a
double bladed sword and parried it.

“En garde!”, she yelled.

“Don’t you mean En Mallet?” I asked, swinging my mallet at her. She ducked,
just barely dodging the blow. She drew a sci fi gun from her pocket.

“Where did you get the sci-fi gun?” I demanded.

“I got it from E-Bay”, she said, “You can get anything there.” I slammed my
mallet into her gun, shattering it into many pieces.

“Give me my DD”, I said, “If you do not, I will have to use my most powerful
weapon.”

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” a voice behind me yelled.

“Damn it!” I cursed. I turned around. In front of me was the three security
guards, glowing sticks drawn.

“You are under arrest for attacking security guards”, one of the guards said.

“She stole my DD, arrest her!”, I cried, pointing at the woman behind the
desk, now wearing an extremely smug expression.

“No”, she said, “That’s not true.” As she said that, I noticed a card sitting on
her desk. I snatched up the card. “DD, name Travis Johnson”, I read, “date of death January 5 2025. That is
me!”

“I don’t know how that got there!", the woman cried. I glared at her. The
security guards advanced on her, their weapons drawn.

“See ya!” I cried, dashing away before the guards could remember they
were supposed to be arresting me. I ran back through security and ran up to the judgement line.

“So your back”, the attendant said, “do you have your DD?”

“Yes”, I said, showing the attendant my card.

A laser beam shot out of the wall and hit the card. “Verified”, an electronic
voice said.

“Welcome to Cloud Nine Airlines”, the attendant said “would you like to
purchase an upgrade to Cloud Ten Airlines?”

“Cloud ten?”, I asked.

“That’s our version of first class”, the attendant said, smiling sweetly, “Includes a heavenly selection of wines!”

“Just out of curiosity, what does the Hellagoodairlines passengers get?”, I
asked.

“They get a Mcdonalds”, the attendant said, “will you upgrade to Cloud
Ten?”

“No”, I said.

“Would you like to upgrade to clouds eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen, sixteen, sev-“ I whacked the attendant with my mallet and she
stopped making offers. I headed toward security, praying that the DTSA
agents would not remember me from the mallet incident. Just to be sure, I
bought a pair of sunglasses to stealthily cover up my eyes.

I stood in the security line and approached the DTSA agent sitting at a plain desk. “DD?”, he asked. I showed him my DD. “Here is your boarding pass
for Cloud 9 Flight 401 Gate 5B to the heavenly realm!” the agent said.
I took my boarding pass and re entered the main concourse. Following signs
for my gate, I walked out of the concourse and onto a glass bridge. A
plaque told me that I was literally walking over the second circle of hell. I looked down and saw that hell looked like a video store full of M. Night Shaymalan movies.

I walked to the end of the bridge and sat down at the gate, thinking that for
an airline to heaven, they should have provided us with better quality
waiting areas. A TV hung from the ceiling showing an obscure talk show.

In front of two doors were two screens one blue and one red. The blue
screen said “Cloud 9 Airlines, boarding in 10 minutes” The red one said, “Hellagood Airlines boarding in 10 hours.”

“Ten minutes!”, I cried, “will these horrors never end!” I took a little nap and
was woken up by the announcer.

“Greetings passengers! Flight 401 will
depart now! Congratulations on making it to cloud 9!” I walked over to the walkway where an attendant was taking boarding passes. I showed the attendant my pass. He took it and gestured to the door  labeled “Cloud nine”
I walked through the door and down the walkway. Hung on the walls were
advertisements for restaurants located in heaven. “Death Fil A’s new
Deathkin sandwich”, I read, “Only four dollars!” I continued walking until I
reached a ludicrously ornate golden door. I walked through the golden door
and entered the plane.

The plane was made completly out of gold. A Koi pond stood in the middle of
the cabin. Around the koi pond were nine enormous plush seats which sat
next to 100 inch LCD Ultra Xtreme HD flat screen TV’s. Slot machines were
lined up on the wall with signs saying “Everyone’s a 10 million dollar jackpot
winner! ” Waitresses walked around carrying platters of delicious looking
food.

I sat down in one of the plush seats. “I could get used to this”, I said.

“Excuse me”, a steward asked , “are you in Cloud 99 airlines?”

“No”, I said, “I’m in cloud 9.”

“Come with me”, said the steward. He led me through less luxurious cabin after less luxurious cabin until I was in an area that looked no different than an average economy class airline. “This is cloud 9”, the steward said, “just be lucky you don’t have cloud 0 airlines.” He walked away, leaving me alone in the horrors of economy class. I sat down in my seat and thumbed through the Even Higher in the Sky Mall magazine.

“Attention Cloud 9 passengers, this is your captain speaking”, a voice from
the intercom said, “I would like to congratulate all of you on making it here.
For those of you in Clouds 80 through 99, complimentary chocolate caviar
milkshakes will be served in a few minutes. For those of you in cloud 9 you
will have a choice between peanuts or pretzels. For those of you in clouds 8
through 0, well, just feel lucky you weren’t put in Hellagood Airlines. A flight
attendant will now demonstrate how to put a seatbelt on”, said the captain. I glanced towards the isle to see a flight attendant holding a seatbelt.

“This is how you put a seatbelt on”, said the attendant, “you take on end
then you put it in the other end.” The attendant walked away as I put my
seatbelt on.

“In case of emergency please refer to your comprehensive manual about
how to survive in the aetherial zones”, the captain said, “prepare for
takeoff!” The plane’s engines roared to life and it moved across the tarmac. I
began to relax as the plane lifted into the air.