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Tired and Finished
Author's note:
After a lot of suicide talk and many unrealistic stories, I had an idea to just write something from the feelings of somebody that has experienced a severe loss and serious thoughts of such an awful act. Not myself, but a close friend.
*This is in no way meant to romanticise suicide or self-harm*
‘Kyle, can you come downstairs please?’ Mum calls from the kitchen.
I roll my eyes. Tiffany is meant to be here in five minutes and knowing Mum, I’ll get a heap of chores loaded on me.
I head off into the kitchen and confusion crosses my face when I see two police officers and a bruised and cut Mr Griffey.
Tears built up in my mother’s eyes and now I’m worried.
‘Mum? What’s happened?’ I ask tentatively.
‘Oh, Kyle.’ She says, tears now fallen on her cheeks, mascara smudging and I’m pulled into a hug. ‘Sit down.’
I take a seat on the arm of the couch and stare at the adults in front of me.
‘Kyle,’ Mr Griffey, Tiffany’s father starts, ‘There-There was a… an accident.’
Confusion clouds my brain and simple thoughts can’t process. An accident? Surely not.
‘I was okay, but Lisa, my wife, and Tiffany… they… they didn’t make it…’ He says, hurt choking his voice.
‘Is this some sick joke?’ I ask outraged.
‘Son,’ one of the burly officers states, ‘Your friend and her mother passed away in the accident. Lisa died in the car and Tiffany passed away a few hours after she arrived at Central Bay Hospital.’
‘You’re sick!’ I yell. ‘You’re all a bunch of sadists!’
‘Kyle, stop this.’ Mum tuts.
‘You didn’t even like her, you hated me so you despised her. Tiffany was supposed to be over now. We… we were going roller skating.’ I say, directing the last part of y outburst to Mr Griffey.
‘Mr Roges, we apologise for your loss.’ Another office simply states.
This can’t be happening. This must be a dream. Tiffany can’t die. Wake up, Kyle, wake up. I pinch my arm as hard as I possibly can. Pain. Oh no, oh no, wake up! I get up and walk into the kitchen. Stab in the leg with a fork. Excruciating agony. If I’m not dreaming then they must be lying. That’s it. Any moment now a camera crew will jump out.
She can’t die. Tiffany was my world. She couldn’t have died. And only today? No. She was so kind and sweet, she can’t have died. That doesn’t happen to people like her.
I collapse against the wall, cradling my knees while I sit on the cold tile floor.
My body shakes as the sobs escapes my lips and racket through my being. We started dating in year nine when we were 15. That’s two years. We were supposed to be an iconic couple that people envied. We planned our life together. I can’t do this. Things were bad enough when Dad died. He got hit by another car in the middle of the night. He was leaving us, never to return. But he died. I personally think that was a form of karma, but Tiffany? What could she have done?
I feel a presence near me. I glance up, my face wet with salty tears. I hastily wipe away the tears I can only for new ones to stream out. Mr Griffey was standing in the doorway.
‘Who drove the car?’ I ask him.
‘What?’ He seems startled by the abruptness.
‘Who-drove-the-car?’ I seethe.
‘I… I was driving. I lost focus for five seconds and I turned a corner. A truck hit their side, I just had a few grazes… It’s all my fault…’ He mumbles.
‘You’re damn right it’s your fault!’ I yell at him. ‘You killed them! You are an idiot!’ I storm out and find myself walking the streets in agony.
They’re all dirty liars.
I don’t know how long I stayed outside but after a while it turned dark and cold. I was shivering and I spent the night on a park bench. I wouldn’t have felt any better if I was at home in a warm bed. I am numb. I shot up when I had hands on my frozen shoulders and the pink skylight streamed into my eyes, burning my retinas.
‘Oh, Kyle, I was so worried about you.’ A female voice chirps into my ear.
‘Tiffany?’ I ask hopefully.
‘No, honey, it’s Mum. Tiffany died yesterday.’
My breath hitches and the memories of the previous day flood back to me.
I shrug off my mother’s grasp, anger taking over the pain.
I leave and don’t bother looking back. I hear the yelp of my mother calling me back to her. She tells me that she understands how it feels to lose somebody, and that she’s sorry I have to go through this again, that she loved Tiffany too. What a crock. I brush my shaggy brown hair out of my blue eyes. Fatigue over takes my body over. I can’t do this. Tiffany was my world. How am I going to function without her? I find my way home and lock myself in the closest bathroom. I stare into the mirror. My eyes and face are blotchy, my hair a scraggly mess. Tiffany would hate seeing me like this. I try to breathe deeply. In and out. In and out. It isn’t working! I pull open the drawer and dry swallow that chunky anti-depressants.
‘Kyle, can you come out now?’ Mum says, knocking on the door.
‘Leave. You have never experienced a pain like this.’ I yell through the thin wall.
‘Don’t say that. Have you forgotten about your father?’ She yells through the door.
‘No, I haven’t. But it seems like you have.’ I hiss.
I am just so tired of all of this rubbish.
Mum walked away, muttering furiously. As if I care. Why won’t this pain subside? It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I found out. I have this ache in my chest, a cavity in my heart. I am breaking. Why did she leave? Why must this world be so cruel? I take another pill. And another. Nothing is working! What am I supposed to do now? These pills are supposed to be fast acting! I tip out half of the container. I place the pills in three at a time until somehow I have swilled down 11 tablets. I didn’t mean to. But I couldn’t stop. My eyes have over slightly and the world spins. I stare into the mirror and my sunken face contorts. Silent tears spill over. I’m getting so tired. I splash some water on my face. Oh my god. I’m about to OD. At least I’ll be with my true love once more.
I sit on the floor as my knees give out. It’s just too much to stand now. Something crawls its way up my throat and I start to choke. I lean forward and the world turns dark.
‘Kyle? Is that you? Did you come for me?’ The sweet, sweet voice of Tiffany fills my ears.
I attempt a weak smile and feel a sudden warmth spread over my body. I call out to Tiffany and she leads me up to a glowing door. I’m faintly aware of a banging in the background. But whoever it is, well, they’re just too late.
I am officially, 100% done…
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Once again, I am in no way displaying suicide as a romantic event. It is a tragedy and everyone should know that it is a PERMENANT fix to a TEMPORARY problem