(The children are in a shiny new kitchen. The time is evening. A puddle of orange juice is on the counter. A busted microwave sits next to it.)
Frank: Well now that I am in, how about something to eat?
Kayla: Ok! We cooked delicious orange juice!
Frank: You cooked it?
Kayla: Well, microwaved it actually.
Frank: I thought you were not allowed to use the microwave after you put motor oil in it.
Kayla: It was our truck, Henry! We thought it would be nice to give him something to eat!
Frank: First off, Ford trucks don’t eat motor oil. Second, you blew up the kitchen.
Isabel: That was a nuclear attack!
Frank: Whatever! Mother and father should be home soon anyway.
Kayla and Isabel: They are such dictators!
Frank: Be quiet.
Kayla and Isabel: No you be quiet!
Frank: Are you forgetting that I am your older brother left in charge?
Isabel: DICTATOR!
Kayla: We are rebelling!
Isabel: We won’t listen!
(A car honks and the parents walk in)
Isabel and Kayla: Oh! Danny and Amy are here!
Danny: Couldn’t you call me dad?
Amy: And me mom?
Isabel and Kayla: No, we can’t.
Danny: What is all this mess? I thought the babysitter was watching you!
Isabel: We voted her out of office
Kayla: And voted ourselves in!
Amy: Well, I guess that is another one to be fired. Where’s Frank?
Isabel: We locked him in jail for trying to rule over us
Danny: Seriously?! So where is he?
Kayla: She told you. He is in jail.
Amy: Well let him out.
Isabel: We don’t have the power to release him. Congress will have to propose another amendment!
Danny: I am so sick of playing politics with a 5 year old and 3 year old.
Amy: Why couldn’t you play with Barbies like normal children?
Kayla: The Barbies demanded their freedom. And they wouldn’t pay the land taxes on their dream house.
Isabel: So we tore it down!
Amy: See Dan, I told you that was a waste of money!
Danny: It was your idea!
Amy: They would much rather have gotten Romney merchandise then that!
Danny: But since Obama won...
(Frank yells from inside the pantry): Will somebody please let me out?
(The parents run over and unlock the pantry door. Frank steps out.)
Frank: Much better. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have some important stuff to finish up.
(Frank walks off the stage)
Kayla: Danny, are grannies really coming over?
Danny: Sweetie, please call me dad. And NO they are not coming here. They are crazy!
Isabel: Thats a shame. I already invited them over to this country.
Danny: They live in the same state as us.
Kayla: So they are in economic recession?
Danny: No, I mean they live in New York.
Amy: Let it go, Dan. You know they have autism or whatever the doctor called it.
Danny: Fine. I just hate being bossed around by little girls who think they run the government!
(Frank runs into the kitchen)
Frank: I’ve accomplished it!
Kayla: You’ve finally signed the papers we gave you?
Frank: I’ve finished writing my novel!
Danny: Thats great... you’ve been writing a novel?
Frank: For the last 5 years, yeah.
Amy: How wonderful!
Kayla: Don’t forget about the stamp act!
Isabel: I thought we vetoed that.
Frank: A copy is printing now!
Amy: It is a shame I don’t have time to read it...
Frank: I’m sure you will find the time. It is only 750 pages!
Kayla: Wow. You’ll owe us a ton of money!
Danny: What is it about?
Frank: A very weird murder mystery.
Amy: Sounds rather cliche.
Frank: Oh, it is not! Do you have another ink cartridge? The printer is running low.
Amy: I think one is in the top desk drawer.
(Frank exits)
Danny: Just think, writing a murder mystery of all things...
Kayla: If he was going to the trouble of writing that he could have helped me write the constitution!
(The phone rings)
Amy (picking up the phone): Well... this is a strange number. Hello? (Pauses) Who is this? (Pauses again) No, you can’t stay here. You see, we are... err... going to be out for a while. Yes, me and Dan. (Pauses) WHAT!? NO WAY! You can’t. Err... we have already hired a babysitter.
(Kayla grabs the phone and starts talking)
Kayla: Who is calling at this hour? (Pauses) GRANNY! Why hello! Yes, I am sorry you can’t visit. (Pauses and then smiles) Really? That’s a great idea! Okay, see you then!
(Hangs up)
Kayla: Isabel! We get to spend the weekend at Granny’s house!
Isabel: HOORAY!
Danny and Amy: WHAT?!
Kayla: She is coming at 0900 hour to pick me, Isabel, and Frank up!
Frank: Who is picking us up?
Isabel: Granny.
Dan: Oh sure, they call Ellen “Granny”.
Amy: I guess it is too late to cancel.
Dan: Of course. Once Ellen makes her mind up no force on Earth could stop her.
Amy: Well as long as your mom doesn’t show up as well, everything should be fine.
Dan: You know she will be there once she finds out about this.
Amy: Yes, I do.
Danny: Anyway, Kayla, Isabel, time for bed!
Isabel: You have got to be kidding me!
Kayla: Frank is still awake!
Isabel: You wouldn’t discriminate against little girls, would you?
Danny: I’ve had quite enough of your politics! Yes, you are entitled to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, and all people are created equal. NOW GO TO BED!
Kayla: Fine.
Isabel: But we can’t sleep with all the noise that the printer is making!
Kayla: I will use my presidential powers and declare war on the printer!
(The two girls run out of the kitchen. An explosion is heard a few seconds later and Frank runs into the kitchen holding a stack of papers.)
Frank: Mom! They blew up the printer!
Amy: I heard. I thought the president had to have permission to declare war, Dan.
Danny: I guess not.
Frank: Not to alarm you, but the second floor is on fire and they took the extinguisher.
Amy: What a pity. If we do anymore remodeling this house won’t even be authentic.
Danny (pushes a button): Its good thing we installed that sprinkler system!
Isabel and Kayla (from upstairs): Whose idea was it to create a canal? We didn’t approve of it!
Amy: Whatever. Go to bed.

(The two girls are in their bedroom packing for their trip to Granny’s house. It is barely dawn.)
Isabel (singing to the tune of the national anthem): Oh say have you packed! She’ll be coming at dawn! Twas a great idea...
Kayla: You're singing it all wrong!
Isabel: No I am not!
Kayla: It goes like this!
(To the tune of Yankee Doodle)
Granny’s house is very big, with lots of surprises! Hurry up and pack your stuff, while I sing about it! Danny thinks she is crazy, but she really isn’t. She is a sweet old lady, who is an American civilian!
Isabel: That last part does not rhyme.
Kayla: Yeah it does!
(Frank knocks on the door)
Isabel: What do you want?
Frank: I want to know why you are making so much noise at 4 in the morning!
Kayla: Because we are packing!
Frank: Packing what? Mom already packed your clothes and all of your necessities!
Isabel: Yes, but we are packing the things she forgot.
Frank: What did she forget?
Kayla: The blender.
Frank: KAYLA! We will only be gone for a day!
Isabel: Yes, a whole 24 hours with no smoothies!
Frank: Since when have you cared about smoothies?
Isabel: Can the president not treat herself to one when she feels like it?
Frank: Well I am going back to bed. Try to keep the noise down.
Kayla: Goodbye.
Isabel: Go back to your own country.
(Frank leaves and Kayla and Isabel continue packing)
Kayla (imitating Frank): OH! Why would you pack a blender? I don’t know what a blender is for because public education is lacking!
Isabel: Its a good thing we are home schooled!
Kayla: And it is a good thing it is summer time!
Isabel: But Frank is too dumb to know the seasons!
Frank (from another room): I heard that!
Kayla and Isabel: WE KNOW!
Isabel: But your too dumb to know!
Frank: Will you stop? I am trying to sleep!
Kayla: I didn’t think you were smart enough to sleep!
(Both girls laugh)
(Danny yells from another room): Will you kids go back to sleep!?
Kayla: No, Dan.
Isabel: We are busy packing the blender!
Dan: Why would you take a blender?
Isabel: Do I really need to repeat myself?
(Frank enters the room)
Frank: I give up. I can’t sleep. I am going out to buy a new printer.
Isabel: The stores are closed!
Kayla: It must be labor day!
Isabel: Hooray!
Frank: No, it is because it is four am right now!
Isabel: So what? Labor day starts at midnight like every other day!
Frank: I give up. I guess I better pack.
Kayla: Yes you should. Granny should be here in a few hours.
Frank: I hope she has a printer.
Kayla: No, but she has a printing press! She found it at a yard sale for five cents!
Frank: How do you know that?
Kayla: Isabel told me.
Isabel: And granny told me!
Ellen (granny): Told you what?
Kayla and Isabel: GRANNY!!!
(They run over and hug Ellen)
Frank: Seriously, Grandma? Do you have any idea what time it is right now?
Ellen: Oh! I guess I forget to move set my clock forward! For, like, the past 12 years.
(The girls giggle)
Ellen: Anyway, come with me children!
Frank: Shouldn’t we tell mom?
Ellen: Never mind them, let them sleep. I am sure they will understand.
Kayla: And it is none of their business where we go!
Ellen: Exactly.
(The girls and a reluctant Frank exit the room with their suitcases.)
Frank: WAIT! I have not packed!
(The lighting shifts until the room is somewhat brighter. Birds are chirping. Danny enters the room.)
Danny: Girls? Where are you! Have you finished packing, granny should be here any minute! (pauses) Amy, come quick!
(Amy runs into the room)
Amy: What?
Danny: The girls are not in the room!
Amy: Oh no. You don’t suppose Granny-
Danny: Definitely not. They have been kidnapped! Call the police!
Amy: My poor little political figures!
Danny: They must be terrified!
Amy: I just hope they don’t give the kidnapper too much of a headache!
Danny: I bet they will be returning them soon, now that you mention it.
Amy: Yes, those girls are enough to drive anyone crazy!
Danny: But still...
Amy: We should really...
Danny: Just in case...
Amy and Danny: CALL THE POLICE!

(The two girls are playing outside a new modern home)
Kayla: Wow Granny! You got a new house!
Ellen: Yes, isn’t it nice?
Isabel: It is.
Ellen: Now you play outside while I go check on the cake!
(Ellen leaves. Frank stumbles onto the stage while poking at a cell phone.)
Frank: Where are we? I can’t seem to get any signal!
Kayla: We are in granny’s country.
Frank: Yeah, I think I have figured that out. (Pushes a button) SIRI! Where am I?!
Isabel: I thought you said you did not have any imaginary friends!
Frank: It is not a friend, it is an app.
Siri: I beg to differ.
Frank: You are not helping.
(Frank walks off the stage)
Isabel: It is great that we get to take a break from office
Kayla: Yes, but who will run our country?
Isabel: Dan and Amy can, and since they are always so power hungry I bet they have already!
Kayla: Oh no!
Isabel: What?
Kayla: Teddy was not with us in the car!
Isabel: Did we leave him behind?
Kayla: I think so.
(Both girls start crying)
Ellen (opening the door): What is wrong?
Kayla and Isabel: We left Teddy at home!
Ellen: Oh dear. I will go back and get him.
(The girls stop crying. Ellen walks off the stage and a car engine is heard.)
Kayla: Granny is so nice to go back and get Teddy.
Isabel: Yes, she is.
Frank: Where is granny?
Kayla: She went to get Teddy.
Frank: What do you mean?
Isabel: She is driving back to our house to get Teddy!
Frank: WHAT?! It could be hours before she gets back!
Kayla: Yes, I suppose it could be.
Frank: Does she even know what Teddy looks like?
Isabel: No.
Frank (pulling out his phone): Uhh... SIRI! FREE ME FROM THIS CRAZY LIFE!
Siri: I don’t understand your question.
Kayla: Oh yes, Siri is certainly not your friend. I understand now. (chuckles)
Isabel: I didn’t think you were intelligent enough to even figure out how to unlock the phone, Frank.
(Both girls laugh)
Frank: Not this again.
(A car honks)
Frank: Ellen is back already?
Kayla: I hope she brought Teddy!
(Granny Susan walks onto the stage)
Susan: Why hello Kayla and Isabel! Wow, you’ve grown!
Kayla: It is granny Susan!
Susan: Yes! I heard that you were visiting Granny Ellen so I rushed over here so I could join the party!
Frank: Not much of a party
Siri (from Frank’s pocket): Party: A social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertainment.
Frank: What my phone said. And you were not invited.
Susan: Your phone talks? What year is this... 1941?
Kayla (singing): World War II,
Frank: No, this is 2013.
Susan: Really? I was born in 1934 you know.
Frank: Well anyway, like my phone said, you were not invited.
Susan: Back in my day, we were not invited by a phone. So I am staying.
Kayla and Isabel: YAY!
Frank: No......
Siri: No: A negative answer or decision, as in voting
Kayla: Voting?
Frank: Nothing, Kayla.
Susan: So anyway, lets get this party started! Just let me go get something out of my car.
(Susan exits off the stage.)
Kayla (to the tune of Yankee Doodle): Granny Susan came to us, and started a wild party! Frank hates her, but we don’t care, he is stuck here forever! Frank is not smart enough to voice his own opinion. So he can not really say if Granny gets to stay!
(Both girls laugh. Frank frowns. Susan walks back onto the stage carrying a large jukebox)
Susan: I am back! And look what I brought! It is perfect for a party!
Kayla: OH!
Isabel: AH!
Frank (frowning): You brought a jukebox?
Susan: YES! I borrowed it from that 50s diner near the highway!
Frank: Borrowed it?
Susan: Yeah.
Frank: I am not going to say what I am thinking.
Susan: Now, we need an outlet!
Isabel: Here is a cord! Kayla plugged it into the living room!
(Plugs the jukebox into the cord. It flashes. Both girls gasp in admiration.)
Susan: Now we need a quarter!
(Puts quarter in and selects a song. The Jukebox begins to play a peppy song from The Beatles)
Susan: WHAT?! THIS SONG IS FROM THE 1960s!
(pauses)
Susan: I LOVE THE 60S!
(Starts dancing in ways an elderly lady shouldn’t be capable of)
Frank: Oh my...
Susan (stops dancing): What?
Frank: Nothing...
Susan: Okay, then. (Continues dancing as the curtains close)

(The two girls are playing outside a new modern home)
Kayla: Wow Granny! You got a new house!
Ellen: Yes, isn’t it nice?
Isabel: It is.
Ellen: Now you play outside while I go check on the cake!
(Ellen leaves. Frank stumbles onto the stage while poking at a cell phone.)
Frank: Where are we? I can’t seem to get any signal!
Kayla: We are in granny’s country.
Frank: Yeah, I think I have figured that out. (Pushes a button) SIRI! Where am I?!
Isabel: I thought you said you did not have any imaginary friends!
Frank: It is not a friend, it is an app.
Siri: I beg to differ.
Frank: You are not helping.
(Frank walks off the stage)
Isabel: It is great that we get to take a break from office
Kayla: Yes, but who will run our country?
Isabel: Dan and Amy can, and since they are always so power hungry I bet they have already!
Kayla: Oh no!
Isabel: What?
Kayla: Teddy was not with us in the car!
Isabel: Did we leave him behind?
Kayla: I think so.
(Both girls start crying)
Ellen (opening the door): What is wrong?
Kayla and Isabel: We left Teddy at home!
Ellen: Oh dear. I will go back and get him.
(The girls stop crying. Ellen walks off the stage and a car engine is heard.)
Kayla: Granny is so nice to go back and get Teddy.
Isabel: Yes, she is.
Frank: Where is granny?
Kayla: She went to get Teddy.
Frank: What do you mean?
Isabel: She is driving back to our house to get Teddy!
Frank: WHAT?! It could be hours before she gets back!
Kayla: Yes, I suppose it could be.
Frank: Does she even know what Teddy looks like?
Isabel: No.
Frank (pulling out his phone): Uhh... SIRI! FREE ME FROM THIS CRAZY LIFE!
Siri: I don’t understand your question.
Kayla: Oh yes, Siri is certainly not your friend. I understand now. (chuckles)
Isabel: I didn’t think you were intelligent enough to even figure out how to unlock the phone, Frank.
(Both girls laugh)
Frank: Not this again.
(A car honks)
Frank: Ellen is back already?
Kayla: I hope she brought Teddy!
(Granny Susan walks onto the stage)
Susan: Why hello Kayla and Isabel! Wow, you’ve grown!
Kayla: It is granny Susan!
Susan: Yes! I heard that you were visiting Granny Ellen so I rushed over here so I could join the party!
Frank: Not much of a party
Siri (from Frank’s pocket): Party: A social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertainment.
Frank: What my phone said. And you were not invited.
Susan: Your phone talks? What year is this... 1941?
Kayla (singing): World War II,
Frank: No, this is 2013.
Susan: Really? I was born in 1934 you know.
Frank: Well anyway, like my phone said, you were not invited.
Susan: Back in my day, we were not invited by a phone. So I am staying.
Kayla and Isabel: YAY!
Frank: No......
Siri: No: A negative answer or decision, as in voting
Kayla: Voting?
Frank: Nothing, Kayla.
Susan: So anyway, lets get this party started! Just let me go get something out of my car.
(Susan exits off the stage.)
Kayla (to the tune of Yankee Doodle): Granny Susan came to us, and started a wild party! Frank hates her, but we don’t care, he is stuck here forever! Frank is not smart enough to voice his own opinion. So he can not really say if Granny gets to stay!
(Both girls laugh. Frank frowns. Susan walks back onto the stage carrying a large jukebox)
Susan: I am back! And look what I brought! It is perfect for a party!
Kayla: OH!
Isabel: AH!
Frank (frowning): You brought a jukebox?
Susan: YES! I borrowed it from that 50s diner near the highway!
Frank: Borrowed it?
Susan: Yeah.
Frank: I am not going to say what I am thinking.
Susan: Now, we need an outlet!
Isabel: Here is a cord! Kayla plugged it into the living room!
(Plugs the jukebox into the cord. It flashes. Both girls gasp in admiration.)
Susan: Now we need a quarter!
(Puts quarter in and selects a song. The Jukebox begins to play a peppy song from The Beatles)
Susan: WHAT?! THIS SONG IS FROM THE 1960s!
(pauses)
Susan: I LOVE THE 60S!
(Starts dancing in ways an elderly lady shouldn’t be capable of)
Frank: Oh my...
Susan (stops dancing): What?
Frank: Nothing...
Susan: Okay, then. (Continues dancing as the curtains close)

(The two grannies, Isabel, and Kayla are all in the living room. Frank is in terror as he sits in an armchair.)
Ellen: Well Susan, it is so nice you could visit!
Susan: I know. Thanks for letting me stay!
Ellen: I am so sorry that you had to look after the kids for so long, you know when I arrived the police were at the house and took all afternoon to sort a so-called kidnapping out.
Kayla: But she brought Teddy!
Susan: Yes, it was so nice to meet Teddy!
(Kayla smiles)
Frank: Granny, you wouldn’t happen to have a computer, would you?
Susan: A what?!
Ellen: Oh, yes dear. It is in that desk. Unlike Susan, I actually keep up with the times.
(Frank goes to the desk and opens it to find a very old computer)
Ellen: Cool isn’t it? A friend gave it to me last month, said his retirement home was upgrading to Windows 2000.
Frank: Wow... that sure is cool...
Ellen: Yes, I was kind of jealous in fact!
Susan: Why do you need a what-ya-ma-call it, anyway?
Frank: So I could work on my novel a bit, everyone is saying how cliche it sounds so I thought I would make some changes.
Susan: Well I used to be a critic, I’ll tell you if it is cliche or not.
Frank: Alright then. The first thing mentioned in the book is a body. The main character finds it while preparing to go on his honeymoon.
Susan (thinking): Hmm... nope! That is not cliche at all!
Ellen: You were a critic?
Susan: Yeah. A restaurant critic back in 1971.
Frank: Your computer wouldn’t happen to have a printer, would it?
Ellen: Oh yes, dear. It is right below the desk. But it won’t work.
Frank (examining the printer under the desk): I can see why. It is out of paper and you have it facing the wrong way!
Ellen: Oh dear. Is that all? I guess that call to tech support was a waste of time!
Frank (turning the printer the right way): Do you have any paper?
Ellen: Yes, but I forget where. Try looking in the cabinets.
(Frank aimlessly opens drawers and cabinets)
Kayla: Grannies, we have some important ... err... political stuff to take care of.
(The girls exit and the jukebox can be heard moments later)
Susan: Politics indeed.
Ellen: All we need is a disco ball and their little minds would be blown!
(The ladies switch to a conversation about the economy)
Frank (opening a closet): WHAT IN THE WORLD!?
Ellen: Yes, I haven’t seen worse since- what is wrong, Frank?
Frank: I don’t think you would believe me!
Susan: You found Narnia?
Frank: No, there is a body in the closet!
Susan: Oh, that. So what?
Frank: You know?
Ellen: Yes. Now this conversation is getting a teeny bit cliche, don’t you think?
Frank: (pausing) True. (pause) But what happened?
Ellen: It is none of your business.
Susan: Now run along.
Frank: I can not just run along when a body is in the closet!
Ellen: Fine. I will explain. You see, we started renting this house out long ago.
Susan: Since we were being forced into that dreadful retirement home.
Ellen: And the first person to try and live in this house was an old man.
Susan: Who died.
Frank: Died?
Ellen: Yes. He died. D-I-E-D.
Frank: And how did he die?
Susan: I don’t remember, and it is not important. I think it was Ellen’s cooking.
Ellen: WHAT?! My biscuits are not bad!!!
Susan: No, but you hadn’t had your glasses fixed so you put chlorine in the bowl instead of salt.
Frank: How does chlorine end up in a kitchen?
Ellen: Oh. Well everything was blurry! (Starts pouting)
Susan: Regardless, he looked so pleased that he was dead!
Ellen: So we thought... why not, every weekend, hold a bake sale for all of the elderly gentlemen?
Susan: Yes, we both bake the most delicious pastries!
Ellen: You should really try my arsenic cupcakes! It will kill you, but they look delicious!
Frank: No thanks. So you actually hold a bake sale?
Ellen: Yes. We invite all of the sad, lonely elderly men and make them happy.
Frank: By giving them poisonous cupcakes?
Susan: That was her idea. My donuts are a lot better.
Frank: Who sales donuts at a bake sale?
Ellen: No, Susan, you have got it wrong. Most men would drop dead if they tasted my oatmeal raisin cookies!
Susan: You're forgetting that my lemonade alone poisoned 12 people!
Ellen: No, it was 11. The twelfth man died because of my chocolate cake!
Susan: Well my lemonade finished him off!
Frank: How many people have you murdered, exactly?
Ellen: Not murdered. Helped. And we have helped about 27 men find happiness!
Frank: Murderers!
Siri: Murderer: A criminal who commits homicide.
Susan: We are not murderers. And everybody has secrets that don’t need to be shared.
Frank: But you can’t get away with this!
Ellen: But we already have!
Susan: We bury them in the backyard.
Ellen: And put nice, bright, neon lights on the tombstones!
Frank: Why?
Susan: So we don’t trip over them at night!
(Susan pushes a button and points out the window. Bright multicolored light shines through)
Ellen: See?
Frank: Yes, I do. How do you sleep with those on?
Ellen (Starting to get annoyed): You know, an elderly lady’s lifestyle is none of your business!
Susan: Yeah. So just run along and do whatever people of this age do.
Frank: But... oh... fine (exits stage) BUT I AM WATCHING YOU!
Ellen: I don’t know what he is talking about. Are we having the bake sale this weekend?
Susan: Of course. I hope Kayla and Isabel can help.
(The ladies glance at the exit and the Jukebox can be heard)
Ellen: What should we make?
Susan: Oh, I have this great recipe for key lime pie. The gentlemen will go crazy for it!
Ellen: Oh yes.

(The Isabel and Kayla are in the kitchen. Piles of various pies, cakes, and other pastries are scattered around the counter. It is midnight.)
Kayla (pouring an entire bag of salt into the bowl): Wow, these cookies are going to be so tasty!
Isabel (getting melted butter out of the microwave): Yes! We should look into a career in cooking instead of politics!
Kayla (pouring a cup of water in): You have a point. Grannies went to bed hours ago after finishing that pitiful pie. We have baked nearly half of the recipes in this cookbook! (Holds up a giant cookbook)
Isabel: Except we ran out of sugar.
Kayla: Yeah. But salt is kind of like sugar!
Isabel (pouring the dough into a pan): And of course we ran out of poison.
Kayla: So what? We made our own using all of those car cleaning cans!
Isabel (holding up a can of brake cleaner): Harmful or fatal if swallowed is what it says.
Kayla (putting the pan of cookie dough in the oven): So what should we bake now?
Isabel (grabbing a pitcher): Let’s make fruit juice!
Kayla: But we don’t have any fruit!
Isabel: Umm... we can use vegetables!
Kayla (grabbing a salt shaker, unscrewing the lid, and dumping it in the pitcher): Great! Oh no... I am out of salt.
Isabel: Just use pepper!
Kayla: OK!
(Pours pepper into the pitcher)
(A sleepy Frank walks into the kitchen)
Frank: What is all of this noise?!
Kayla: We are cooking!
(Frank rubs his eyes and stares at all of the food)
Frank: Who told you to cook all of this?
Kayla: Nobody. We just thought a pie was not enough.
Frank: That does not make sense... can I try one of these cookies?
Kayla: Fine. But only one.
Isabel: No you can not. These are for the bake sale.
Frank: Bake sale?!
Kayla: Yes. (smiles) We are helping our grannies help people by feeding them poisoned dessert!
Isabel: Of course we ran out of poison.
Kayla: So we are using non-flammable brake cleaner!
(Frank drops the cookie on the floor)
Frank: EWW!
(The oven dings)
Isabel: Oh! The second batch of cookies are done!
(She grabs an oven mitt, opens the oven, and removes the burnt cookies)
Isabel: These look perfect!
Kayla: Now we can bake a wedding cake!
Frank: Who bakes wedding cakes for bake sales?
Kayla: WE DO!
(Kayla opens the closet to reveal half a dozen wedding cakes)
Frank: Oh... and those are all poisoned?
Isabel: Yes. What did you think?
Kayla: He does not think anything!
(Both girls laugh)
Frank (moving close to the doorway): Well I can not allow you to cook anything else.
Kayla: Good luck with that! (Slams the door on his face).

(Everybody is in the front yard setting up the bake sale. Frank is trying to convince his grannies to stop, and Kayla and Isabel are constantly bringing out food.)
Frank: Grannies, you must stop.
Susan: No.
Ellen: No. What harm is an innocent bake sale?
(Kayla comes out holding a platter of cookies)
Kayla: Here they are granny!
Ellen: Goodness me, Kayla! You sure were busy last night! We are going to need a lot more tables if you keep this up!
(Kayla laughs and runs off stage. Isabel comes on stage carrying a loaf of bread.)
Susan: And what kind of bread is this?
Isabel: I don’t know. Kayla made it.
Ellen: We better hurry. I can see an elderly man coming!
(An old man walks onto the stage)
Susan: And what might your name be?
Man: Mr. Hoskins, mam. Might I buy some of these delicious foods?
Ellen: Why certainly.
Hoskins: What kind of cake is this?
(He points at a wedding cake)
Susan: It is a wedding cake. Would you like a sample?
Hoskins: A wedding cake?! Wow, thats a first. Why certainly!
(Frank stops carrying a table and runs over to Hoskins)
Frank: NOOOOOOOOO!
(Frank leaps up and lands on the cake, crushing it)
Susan: Frank... what is wrong with you?
Frank: Don’t eat any of this stuff! They are trying to kill you!
Hoskins: Who? These old ladies?
Frank: YES! They put brake cleaner in it... or chlorine... or...
Hoskins: Don’t be silly young man. You know... this really reminds me of a movie I saw back in the 40s.
Frank: YES! It is exactly like whatever movie you saw in the 40s!
Hoskins: No, I remember they poisoned people with wine in the movie... and these are just pastries!
(Hoskins grabs a muffin and takes a bite out of it before spitting it out)
Hoskins: YUCK! What is in this muffin? It is way too salty! (The ladies frown)
(Hoskins takes a bite out of a cookie. The ladies start to smile, but then he spits it out again.)
Hoskins: MY MOUTH IS BURNING!!! (Runs off the stage)
Susan: What was that about?
(Kayla walks up to her with a pie)
Kayla: Oh... we ran out of milk with that batch and used hot sauce instead.
(Frank gets up)
Frank: Eww... I am covered in poisoned wedding cake. But at least Mr. Hoskins is safe.
Kayla (starting to cry): You RUINED MY BEAUTIFUL CAKE!
Frank: So what? You baked a dozen others.
Kayla: But that one was special! I put bug killer in it!
Frank: Why?
Kayla: Because I ran out of brake cleaner!
Frank: Oh... do you even realize how terrible that is?
Kayla: MY COOKING IS NOT TERRIBLE! (Throws a banana cream pie at Frank, it hits him on the chest)
Frank: Eww... is this supposed to be banana cream pie?
Kayla: Yes. But Isabel ran out of bananas so she used engine degreaser and spinach.
(Isabel walks over carrying a cheesecake)
Isabel: AHHH! My banana cream pie! You ruined it Frank!
(Throws the cheesecake at Frank)
Kayla: NOOO! My cheesecake!
Isabel: Frank ruined it!
(Both girls start grabbing food off the table and throw them at Frank)
Susan: Girls! Stop fighting!
Isabel: Yes, granny.
Kayla: Okay, granny. (Throws a cookie at Frank, which hits him on the head)
Susan: Frank, go change. You look like a toxic monster!
Frank: Fine.
(Frank exits stage)
Susan: I guess we should have baked more. I heard the activity center was sending a bus over here.
(A honk is heard and overwhelming amount of elderly men run on stage)
Ellen: Welcome to our bake sale!
Susan: But everything is free!
Kayla: We made it ourselves!
Man #1: How delicious.
Man #2: Oh... my blood sugar will be through the roof!
Man #3: I am glad I brought my teeth with me!
Man #1: Do I smell apple pie!
Man #4: CHARGE!!!!!!
(All of the men run towards the tables and take bites out of various foods, and then fall to the ground)
Man #3: Bleh! I was never a fan of apple pie, but this is an all time low! (Falls to the ground)
Man #1: Eww... this lemonade tastes like seawater with extra chemicals! (Falls to the ground)
Man #2: What a lovely cake! (Takes a bite) PLAAA... never mind! It tastes like a machine shop! (Falls to the ground)
Ellen: They look so happy. Let’s move them away so they don’t ruin business! Nobody wants to eat in front of dead people! (The two ladies carry the men off stage)
Man #4 (Taking a bite of a candy apple): Hey... I thought more people came to the bake sale... (Falls to the ground)
(This continues until all of the men have fallen)
Ellen: How delightful.
Susan: Now they can rest for an eternity.
Ellen: Yes. I suppose we need more tombstones?
Susan: I think dollar tree has some left. You know they had that halloween decoration sale and haven’t gotten rid of it yet.
Ellen: Yes! Lovely plastic tombstones on sale for a dollar!
Susan: And more neon lights...
Ellen: Walmart has them, but prices have gone up.
Susan: Oh. Well never mind. I suppose we don’t need them since we will be in the woods this time.
Ellen: Yes. The backyard is just too full.
Isabel: I knew they would love our food... oh... they are dead.
Kayla: As planned!
(Both girls cheer)
Ellen: Girls, would you like to go to the store with me? We need to get tombstones and more ingredients!
Kayla and Isabel: YES!
(They both exit. A car engine is heard. Frank runs on stage.)
Frank: I am back! Where is everybody?
Susan: They went to buy tombstones
Frank: You can buy tombstones?
Susan: Yes.
Frank: Weird. So how many people did you murder?
Susan: Not murdered. Helped. And we helped almost 30 men today!
Frank: And they all died?
Susan: Yes. Even the bus driver. He drank a glass of lemonade.
Frank: Okay... but no more bake sales!
Susan: What is the harm in giving out free food?
Frank: You are killing people by the tens!
Susan: I told you already, we are helping... not killing.
Frank: So giving a man poisoned ice cream isn’t considered murder to you?
Susan: Well... err... no.
Frank: I have to stop you from doing this.
Susan: And how are you going to do that?
Frank: I could call the police!
Susan: Nice try. We have a signal jammer installed here.
Frank: A signal jammer?
Susan: Yes. You know, the handy little device that jams mobile connection?
Frank: Wait... you know about mobile connection?
Susan: Oh yes. I learned all about it, and the whole “Granny ain’t with the times thing” is just an act.
Frank (stumbling): Whhatt?
Susan: In fact, you should see the phone I got last month.
(Susan pulls out a shiny new high tech phone)
Frank: And you know how to use it?
Susan: Yes. I jailbroke it!
Frank: You jailbroke your phone... and you still consider yourself behind the times?
Susan: No. Not at all. Ever since I busted out of that dreadful retirement home!
Frank: And how did you do that?
Susan: I ran down the stairs, slapped the front desk lady in the face with my purse, and then took over the computer network and freed everybody else!
Frank: Did it ever occur to you that you could have just signed some papers and left?
Susan: But my fight with the front desk lady was way more heroic than just filling out papers!
Frank: Well now that I see that you are quite an advanced grandmother, I think I will be leaving.
(Frank starts to back away)
Susan: Leaving? To where? You're stuck here!
(Susan laughs maniacally)
Frank: Why are you acting like this?
Susan: You see Frank, you know too much. You are too curious. You are the enemy.
Frank: What about Kayla and Isabel?
Susan: Those sweet little girls? Seriously Frank, I would never hurt them. You on the other hand...
(Frank runs off the stage)
Susan: You can run, but you can’t hide! I can track you because of that phone, you know.
(Frank shrieks and throws his phone at her)
Siri: Frank, do be careful when handling expensive devices.
Susan: I will still find you! And when I catch you you are going to pay the price!
Frank: No thanks!
(Susan pulls out her phone and starts tapping buttons)
Susan: I can see you on the security cameras! (Takes out a car remote) Now I will get you! (Pushes a button. A motorized wheelchair zooms towards her. She sits down, laughs, and zooms across the stage)
Frank (running across the stage): I didn’t think wheelchairs moved that fast!
Susan (chasing after him): They don’t! I had mine custom made! Check this out! (pushes a button before driving off the stage)
Frank (running back across the stage): WHHHATTT!?
(While off the stage, Susan gets into another almost identical wheelchair that has bigger tires and exhaust pipes on the side)
Susan (still chasing him): I bet you were not expecting that!
Frank (running off the stage): Where in the world do you get wheelchairs turned into monster trucks?
Susan (stopping): Why do you care? You won’t live long enough to get one!
Frank (holding a pitcher of fruit juice): This will stop you!
(Frank “pretends”spills the juice all over the stage, or he can actually spill it depending on director’s preference)
Susan: AHHH! (Skidding around) My wheelchair is out of control!
(Crashes into the house. Frank runs away)
Susan: I’ll get you... my pretty!
Frank (from offstage): I can do without the references!
Susan: I’ll catch you (Backs up but slams into the bake sale table. The wheel chair falls apart) Okay, then! If you think my wheelchair was easy, I’ll show you easy!!! (Jumps out of the chair and runs into the house)

(The house is slightly dim. Frank is quietly hiding in the closet. Susan has gone completely insane.)
Susan: Come out here Frank! You can’t hide forever! I have not got an eternity, you know. (Pauses) AHA! You are behind the couch! (Runs to the couch and peeks behind it) Arr... you aren’t. Well when I find you, and you I will, you are going to get an even bigger it! Bigger than the last one! I am serious! I know...
(creeps towards the closet and opens it)
Susan: GOTCHA!!!
(A car honks and Ellen walks in with Kayla and Isabel)
Ellen: Wow, it is dark in here.
Susan: WHHAAT?
Kayla: Hi Grandma. Your wheelchair is making weird sounds outside, plus it is missing a wheel.
Isabel (walking in carrying groceries): Hi Grandma. Your wheelchair just blew up.
Ellen: I know the lightswitch was here somewhere. (starts feeling the wall)
Frank: Susan tried to murder me!!!
Ellen: Don’t be silly, Frank.
Frank: When are we leaving?
Ellen: Not until next month, dear.
Frank: I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR THE WEEKEND?
Ellen: I talked it over with your parents, they agreed to let you stay for another month!
Susan (smiling maniacally): After all, what fun is it to be stuck at home during the summer?
Frank: At home I am safe!
Ellen: And what could possibly harm you here? We only feed the poisoned stuff to the gentlemen!
Susan: Now Frank, could you be a -gentlemen- and set the table while I prepare supper?
Frank: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOO! (Runs off the stage screaming)
Frank: I can’t take anymore of this! Somebody help me! I have been kidnapped! They want to poison me!!!!
(The curtains close with Susan smiling and Ellen looking confused. Kayla and Isabel wave goodbye, with Kayla holding the US flag).