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The Miller School of Peroxide and Martyrdom
Author's note:
I swear I was an MGM contract star in a past life, movies from the past much more appealing to me than movies from the present. I wanted to take my love of these movies and create what I think is the most Wonderandian underworld these players could have had.
Cast of Characters:
Ms. Miller
Abby
Marie
Mannix
Joan
Woman 1
Woman 2
Woman 3
Woman 4
Extras (all female)
Time and place
1939. Hollywood, on one of the production stages of NHN Studios.
SCENE 1
(The setting, a dark stage, partially abandoned. A huge cardboard storefront is in the corner, with lights unlit so as to convey a feeling of emptiness. A window, somewhere up stage right, casts the only sunlight in the room. Slowly, beautiful young women pour in, murmuring about where they were directed to go.)
1
What the hell?
MARIE
If this is another one of Flynn’s schemes, he isn’t making it out alive.
4
Still better than where they took the chorus girls. Still haven’t got my ten dollars from that though, did you?
(Suddenly, the lights illuminate, spelling THE MILLER SCHOOL OF CHARMS AND DICTION. MS MILLER arrives, after having pulled the switch, and greets the girls.)
MS. MILLER
Welcome to the Miller School of Charms and Diction, the NHN studio’s private finishing school! Please line up, and we’ll begin making proper actresses out of you all!
3
But I’m already taking acting classes, I’m just gonna-
MS. MILLER
Not so fast, missy! Mr. Fox ordered you all here for a reason, and we’ll teach you the things your acting coaches wouldn’t think to!
Scene 2
(The lights fade. The setting is changed to three benches, and a blackboard. The lights rise.)
MS. MILLER
Okay girls, since it’s your first day, I won’t push you too hard! *laughs high pitched and disturbingly* Here are your class schedules
(Begins to pass out pieces of paper)
ABBY
How to hair bleach?
MS. MILLER
Oh yes, that is an elective you can choose for the time slot of 6:00-7:00, and it is highly encouraged.
MARIE
Casting Couch 101?
MS. MILLER
Oh yes, a special request from Mr. Fox.
MARIE
I had a feeling, but I’m already quite proficient in that particular subject.
MS. MILLER
I know dear. I would take you on a tour-
(EDDIE enters from stage left, slightly behind the blackboard. He carries a newspaper clipping)
EDDIE
Ms. Miller?
MS. MILLER
Yes? Oh, Eddie! Another one?
EDDIE
Yep, just this morning. Was Don Gilbreth’s side girl.
(Whisper tone, so low the audience may not hear, purposefully obscured)
Found dead in the bathtub.
MS. MILLER
Oh! We’ll put this in the bulletin board in
(Particularly obscured, but slightly louder)
The other room!
ABBY
Ms. Miller?
(MS MILLER doesn’t hear Abby, talks in a hushed tone to Eddie)
MS MILLER
I can’t believe it, she was so sensational they actually posted her corpse! Wasn’t Don Gilbreth with Vina Quick?
EDDIE
Yes!
ALL GIRLS
Ms Miller!
MS. MILLER
Oh! Yes?
2
Abby had a question.
MS. MILLER
Yes, child? You can leave now, Eddie, thanks.
(Eddie leaves now, thanks).
ABBY
Well, we passed a lot of chorus girls off stage to get in here.
MS. MILLER
Yes, some of them will be on your level someday!
ABBY
But, Ms. Miller?
MS. MILLER
Yes?
ABBY
Why us?
MS. MILLER
Well, you’ll have to wait until the orientation speech!
1
Well, when’s that?
MS. MILLER
Now!
1
Oh.
MS. MILLER
Now, here at NHN studios, we guarantee star power-
3
So the previews weren’t lying.
MS. MILLER
Previews never lie!
MARIE
Beg to differ.
MS. MILLER
Back to the speech! NHN Studios produces the biggest stars. Harlean Ross, Will Clark and Brooklyn Davies all call NHN home.
3
We got this at our orientation to the lot!
MS. MILLER
You could all stand to hear it again! Anyway, NHN guarantees the best and brightest stars, and you are here to be perfected into the brightest burning stars the galaxy has ever seen.
3
Well that’s new.
ABBY
Who wrote this?
EDDIE
(from backstage)
Shut up!
MS. MILLER
ANYWAY! You have been chosen because we believe, based on box office numbers and the executives’, um, personal opinions…
4
Still want my ten dollars for that by the way.
MS MILLER
(taking a step with an arm raised)
I will hit you.
4
Sorry, sorry!
(silence)
MS. MILLER
You have been selected as the next generation of stars of NHN. We want to get you started right away, but I need to speak to the 5 WAMPAS baby stars of this year, you need to get started even earlier in a highly important course!
ABBY
Marie, that’s us.
(Girl 4, and the extras leave the set. The lights fade, in the darkness, someone grabs ABBY.)
ABBY
What the hell?
JOAN
Don’t trust her.
ABBY
Who are you?
JOAN
You don’t have to follow her. This school of peroxide, this school of martyrdom.
ABBY
What? I need to go, I’ll lose the group!
JOAN
You have promise, Ms. Ryan. You could be a fantastic actress even up to your 50’s. Don’t listen to her.
ABBY
Let go of me!
(JOAN leaves.)
Scene 3
(The lights come on to another room, with one bench, a blackboard and a bulletin board of newspaper clippings).
ABBY
Marie?
MARIE
Yeah?
ABBY
Just a guess, have you heard of this place being called the school of peroxide and martyrdom?
MARIE
No.
ABBY
Good.
MARIE
Wait, yes!
ABBY
What??
MARIE
But don’t worry, it was always by the bitter old hags of the lot. They always tend to exaggerate.
ABBY
You’re right.
MS. MILLER
(visibly smiling creepily)
Welcome, WAMPAS baby stars.
2
What’s that bulletin board?
MS. MILLER
Those over there, are your muses!
(The girls collectively walk over to the bulletin board.)
ABBY
Thelma Reese?
3
Olive Ford?
1
Jean Berg?
MARIE
Ms. Miller?
MS. MILLER
Yes, those are my pupils. Girls, this is the most important class you will ever take.
ABBY
What is it?
MS. MILLER
How to leave a good corpse.
(The lights fade)
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I hope you guys like it- I know it's extremely weird!!!!