20 February 2018

(4:00 am)

Anxiety

666 Devils Lane

Mental Illness, Hell 66266

Dear Anxiety,

Could you please please PLEASE give me a day off. I just want one day of peace. One day that I don’t shake, or feel my heart plunge into my stomach then bounce into my throat. A day without obsessing over what I wear or how I talk. A DAY WHERE I CAN SPEAK FREELY! Please just a day where I can speak freely. I promise it will only take a moment of your time to remove the cloche you’ve put around me, the one that separates me from everyone else because I really hate just watching everyone live around me. I want to interact with them, I want to talk to them! I want to say what I’m thinking. Let me talk to my friends at least; let me explain to them why I stay silent.

I just want to talk to people. The way my brothers do. I want them to like me, to want to hear what I’m saying. I want to draw a crowd with my words, paint a picture with my descriptions, and inspire people to action. In this world, spoken words are the only ways to be notice anymore. No one notices the quietest person in the room until they start shouting, then they have everyone’s attention. Words unspoken are words forgotten.

Silently yours,

Teenage Girl

20 February 2018

(8:35 am)

Anxiety

666 Devils Lane

Mental Illness, Hell 66266

Dear Anxiety,

You know, I don’t necessarily need to talk. I can live with silence, but I would really appreciate it if you could give me back my future. Yes, the same one you’ve hidden from me. You know the one where I grow up and I’m happy and I make it through college and I write a book and change the world! I don’t like this dark world full of debt and loneliness you’ve replaced it with. Sometimes I think I glimpse my hidden future, but you always pull it away before I can really enjoy it. I’m not trying to sound demanding, whiny, or selfish, I swear; I’m just tired of shaking and feeling sick all the time. I’m tired of stressing and worrying about tomorrow. I’m tired of being tired. Really, I’m just tired of you. So if you could please give me back my life, or even just a day, I would really appreciate that.

Unfortunately yours,

Teenage Girl

20 February 2018

(5:15 pm)

Anxiety

666 Devils Lane

Mental Illness, Hell 66266

Dear Anxiety,

I’ve had just about enough of you. Honestly, I’m getting a bit angry. I asked nicely, yet you refused to even give me one day of peace! You’ve stolen so much from me: my voice, hope, peace of mind, even sleep! I’m tired of it! This is a notice of resignation. NO, this is a break up letter, a dear john, an eviction! I’m done with you, and your clingy, self deprecating ways! I’m done letting you control how I dress and talk. I’m done letting you prevent me from saying what I really want to. I’m taking my life back.

I have some ideas on how to make you vacate the premises. First off, I’m going to start exercising, seriously. I’m not going to let you ruin this for me again, with your constant nagging that someone will think I’m fat if I don’t lift a 100 pounds or run the mile in 20 seconds - because you know what, as soon as I stop, you just attack me again, saying that I’m fat and lazy because I don’t work out. You’re constantly comparing me to girls half my weight and twice my height who run 8 miles every day, and it’s just not fair! You know what, I like looking like a baby hippo when I run. Baby hippos are cute yet voraciously vicious.

Also, I could just eat my way away from you! It wouldn’t be that hard to eat healthy, I even like fruit. Eating food is a natural way of life, and it doesn’t make me look fat. Everyone eats! This is the final straw, the end of the raisins in my chocolate chip cookies, the last hundred meters in a mile! I will be rid of you, mark my words.

Not yours for long,

Teenage Girl

21 February 2018

(7:45 am)

Anxiety

666 Devils Lane

Mental Illness, Hell 66266

Dear Anxiety,

Not today, not today. I’m writing to inform you that you can take the day off because I made it! I did it in spite of all your sneaky little doubts and naggings! I did it! I got a 30 on my ACT, and I’ve come to gloat. I even got a 36 on English! A 36! You can’t take that away. Not today.

It is enough. I did good enough. I made my goal and that’s enough.

No I don’t need to get higher.

I made it.

This is what I wanted.

I did good enough.

I am good enough.

Enough.

Good enough, is that really ever enough?

Tired of being yours,

T.G.

21 February 2018

(12:22 pm)

Anxiety

666 Devils Lane

Mental Illness, Hell 66266

Dear Anxiety,

Now that I think of it, I’m going to start a mindfulness course. I can do that you know! I can stick to it, and no one would make fun of me! No one! I’ll take up yoga and meditation. I’ll write, even more. I’ll write so much that even you can’t keep up. And, and, and, I’ll read! Breathing can also get rid of you, all I have to do is breath and you’ll be gone. I might build a world all on my own that I could escape to. I can do those things. I can….. But that’s a lot to do. Where will I find the time? I need to get a job really. I need to stop spending so much time writing these letters, I should be doing the dishes. I think my parents will be home soon. They’ll be angry if they see the dishes aren’t done. And running is really difficult, I don’t really need to run. Besides people will laugh at me when they see me run in track. I’ll never keep up, and my little brother will be embarrassed of me. He’s already so much better than me, and I’m supposed to be the big sister. He’s supposed to look up to me; I should be the example and the brave one, not him. Why can’t I be more like him! I-I-I-I….I think I’ll just wait to do all of that tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow. I’ll wait just one more day.

Yours until tomorrow,

T.G.

25 February 2018

(4:30 am)

Anxiety

666 Devils Lane

Mental Illness, Hell 66266

Dear Anxiety,

I think we’ve got off on the wrong foot. I know you’re not all bad, a little bit of you is even good. You’ve helped mankind survive for a millennium, and I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you. We’ve been together for a long long time. You’ve been with me through everything, every pitfall, every success, and I see that you’re always there, my constant companion. In a way it’s comforting. I know what you are and how you feel. I can predict when you’ll come and how you’ll leave. I can recognize the path of destruction you’ve left behind, and I can recover. You are the one constant in my life, and I understand that if I let you, you will always be there, forever looking over my shoulder. Even through all of this,  I still think our paths should part.

I’ve been running and track is starting too. I’ve also been eating healthily. There isn’t much room left for you in my life. I know you will always be lurking and as soon as you get a chance, you’ll pounce. I accept that, but for now I’m good being on my own.

You’ve taught me to enjoy the silence, my silence, to move with the flow of my thoughts instead of fighting against the clamour of the noise, and to enjoy the sudden bouts of solitude. Despite your best efforts, I have made it this far, and I will continue to do so.

Warmest Regards,

T.G.