I’m usually a happy person, at least I try to be. Whenever I feel down in the dumps, somebody will come up to me and say something along the lines of,” Where’s that happy smile of yours? You’re never sad.” Truth is, I’m always sad. It’s just sometimes I can’t hide it well enough. I usually do, because I’m “always” laughing. When I was around eight, I realized that I love humor. My favorite thing was when I made my mom and dad or grandparents laugh. I loved jokes and most people know me by my quick wit and smart allicy comments. So when I don’t shine like I do, people get worried. Humor is one of the biggest things in my life, and it’s also one of my biggest defenses.

I’m not a physical kind of person. I don’t like getting into fights, and I sure don’t like witnessing them, but if there’s a verbal fight, I usually win. I throw a couple teasing jokes instead of punches, and it usually flusters my “opponent”. Humor is my shield, my words are my sword. It calms me and makes the tension a little less dense. I also use it when I feel uncomfortable, or uneasy.
You see, I started feeling happier and laughing more than I ever had seven months ago; when he finally started liking me. We had a ‘thing’; a mutual liking. He was the best, basically like my boyfriend. He made me laugh so hard I came to tears. One day, he told me he loved me, and I couldn’t say it back for awhile, but eventually, I did. It was amazing. We would talk for hours and the battery on our phones would run like a marathon runner. So many wonderful memories and stories we had together, but those memories run through my head like a drill because something I didn’t expect to happen happened.
He started talking to me a lot less and flirting with other girls. He would ignore my texts and get upset with me for things I didn’t even do. I couldn’t sleep if we had fought and when I did it was because tears flowed like waterfalls and I would fall asleep from being so tired from crying. I got so tired but didn’t want to sleep, I would always either be mad or upset or crying, even in classes, and I pushed everyone away, but he didn’t care, and that made it a whole lot worse.
I started thinking that I didn’t matter, so much so I started thinking what it would be like to just throw myself away like a piece of garbage. I would take my nails and scratch my wrists because I didn’t care anymore. I locked myself in my room and would break down and write in a journal. He didn’t care about me, and I don’t think I could’ve cared more. Then, one of my teachers noticed and said something to me, and I’m really glad she did.
She pulled me aside and asked what had been happening. I broke down sobbing and told her everything; about him and classes and my family and friends. It felt good to finally tell someone, but it didn’t help that much. She told me there was a high chance that I had Depression, and I believed her. It explained why I was feeling the way I was and how I felt so alone like I was in a pit with no ladder and no light. She said I had to come forward and tell someone else, and I did.
I told my mom, my grandma, and my best friends. My friends didn’t know what to do, so they did what they do best; they did everything they could to make me laugh. My grandma just spoiled me and my mom, well, she tried to help but she just kept telling me that I wasn’t depressed and that I just needed to snap out of it. I tried, but I had to find the main reason why I felt the way I did.
I realized, that he was causing the problems. He was the one making me feel stupid and neglected. So, I asked him a question and got a response that made my heart drop along with my tears. I blocked him and sobbed so hard my sides hurt. Turns out, he didn’t want me anymore, he didn’t need me. He wouldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. Everyone told me to get over him, but easier said than done. I knew I needed to get over him, like a mountain I needed to climb: it sure wasn’t going to be easy and I knew I was going to ache, but it was something that needed to be done.
Jump back to today, I’m incredibly better. I joined new teams at school that I enjoy and I think about him less and smile more. I hang out with my friends as much as possible and talk with my family every day. I of course still feel bad some days, but now I know how to control it. I have to keep breathing, remember that it will soon be over, I will be happier soon, and most importantly, I have to keep laughing.