Staring out into an audience of over one hundred people, all of which are your competition, getting judged on a dance that you stayed up until 4 a.m. practicing is absolutely terrifying. I stood there, in the front of the formation, my mind blank as I completely forgot what move came next. Laughter, whispering, and second hand embarrassment is what I imagined all one hundred plus people to have been experiencing during every second of that routine.

Since my freshman year of high school, I have been apart of the  dance team in Park Ridge, Illinois. This team is highly competitive in both the pom and kick category at nationals in Orlando, Florida placing in the top three for the past five or so years in kick, winning in 2017, and placing in the top ten in pom these past two years. I was on the junior varsity team my first two years and the second year I was a captain. Last year, for the 2017-2018 season, I finally made varsity. I knew that this team would require even more time and effort than junior varsity because we had the goal to maintain our national title and try to win first place at the state competition. We practice anywhere from five to six days a week during competition season for three to four hours a day, along with having a personal trainer work with us one to two days a week, a ballet instructor, and a technique instructor to refine and improve the skills in our routines.

At the end of every July, we attend a camp at Northern Illinois University where you perform a pre-practiced routine with your team, stay in crappy dorm rooms, learn three routines that you get judged on individually, bond with each other, eat food from the college cafeteria that makes you sick, and finally stay up all night long until you finally break down crying because of the stress of memorizing these routines. Sounds like fun right? However, last summer was different. Our coach decided that we needed to be pushed and signed us up for an “elite” version of this camp. When she first told the news to us I wanted to cry. I did not think that  camp could be any worse than it already was. I tried bringing a little light to the situation by being optimistic about the location change to a hotel and thought that at least the rooms and the food would exceed the quality of NIU.
July finally arrived and it was time to leave for camp. Only about one third of my team attended due to summer school being at the same time. Of course the one year that I do not enroll in a class is the year that camp interferes with it, just my typical bad luck. We all load in the carpools and drive to the Pheasant Run Resort that is located in St.Charles, Illinois. From the time I got in the car until “the incident” I quite honestly do not remember much. All I know is that it was boring and that “pheasey run” did not bring a ton of fun as the peppy camp instructors kept repeating over and over.

The camp instructors. Oh... the camp instructors. They are required to act preppy and have to constantly keep a smile on their faces. Scary.

Anyways, I did not remember much from this camp due to the moment of my life that makes me cringe every time it resurfaces in my memory. 

As I briefly mentioned before, at this camp you learn three dances that you eventually perform in front of everyone. There are around five different styles and then five levels of each style that go with them. The coaches and captains of each team meet with all of the camp instructors  and split their teams up into whatever style they are weak in and the level that they think would benefit them the most. The most popular styles that everyone on the team always wants are hip hop and jazz because they are easy to learn and they are actually fun routines. Of course I did not get picked for either of these and got the three hardest classes: team routine, Pom 5, and Kick 5, which were the highest levels/ hardest dances available.

Team routine is a dance that you learn with your whole team and then together you modify the choreography. The instructors watch you are you get judged on your creativity, performance, and how well everyone remembers the choreography. This routine is more on the fun side rather than stressful but our coach still is very strict with us about it because of our team’s reputation of always being on top.

Kick 5 wasn't terrible, mostly because the instructors teaching it were relatively new to the kick genre while I, considering that my team mainly focuses on kick, am somewhat of an expert. The song was a bad cover to “I’m Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves which was ironic considering this camp is pure hell.
And finally there was Pom 5.

Camp is a total of four days and three nights. The first day you arrive is similar to a normal dance competition in the sense that you perform a routine that you have been working on all summer and then the judges place your team and determine if you are eligible to go to nationals or not. It is a relatively calm day compared to the rest. The second day is when all hell breaks loose. You wake up at approximately 6:45 a.m. to eat breakfast then you walk over to the area in which the camp takes place, sit in a circle with your team, listen to the instructors talk in their annoying animated voices, learn a routine, go to more dance classes, participate in cheesy team bonding events, eat lunch, learn another routine, participate in even more classes, and finally to top it all off we get to stay up all night practicing the two routines that we learned that day. Doesn’t this sound like a perfect day if you love to dance? For some, yes they love it but for most this day and the next are the two worst days of the entire summer.

The second night was surprisingly not as stressful. The eight (out of thirty two) of us that actually went to camp worked on the team routine and came up with the new choreography. We all had each other to work on it and our coach helped us so it is not all that bad. After we worked on this for a while we went our separate ways and worked on our individual routines that we were assigned. A couple other girls had the same kick dance as me so we all worked on it together. The choreography was not overly complicated compared to our actual competition routines so this went fairly well. We went to bed at around 12:30 a.m. to then wake up for day three.
The third day is known to be the most stressful. Although we only learn one routine, it ends up being the most difficult to retain because of the mental and physical exhaustion from the first two days.

When I attended this camp with my studio in 8th grade I had a difficult time remembering choreography. I would practice for hours and hours and still not be able to completely get it perfect. I always somehow did well though which also may have been because my studio was the only non high school team there and everyone applauded us for being able to keep up with the older girls. Anyway, during freshman and sophomore year on Hawkettes my ability to retain choreography started to improve due to all the dances that we had to learn for football games, competitions, and our big holiday show. Entering this summer’s camp I thought that my improvement would shine through but… I was wrong.

The third day I walked into the room, with the three other girls on my team that were also selected for this class, where Pom 5 was taught. I have never taken a pom class at camp so I was slightly nervous walking in.
It turned out to be a disaster.

The instructor kept messing up the choreography, we could not hear the music over all the other classes going on, it was longer than most routines there, and she did not finish teaching us in the time that was given. At this point I started to panic because evaluations were the next day and our coach is very strict about us all recieving blue ribbons for each routine. 

During evaluations each level and style is called up and you perform the three dances that were taught in front of a panel of the camp instructors. They judge each person individually based on memory of the choreography and performance. After the dance is over the instructor that was assigned to watch you gives you either a blue, red, or white ribbon. You get a blue if you made few mistakes and performed it well, a red ribbon if you made more than a few mistakes and did not smile, or a white ribbon if you did not remember the majority of the routine.
Every year the varsity team from my school always receives all blue ribbons. We are known as hard workers and excellent dancers. The three years that I have been to camp I have received all three blue ribbons for each routine and at this point it was my fourth year attending and just expected that I earn them.

After the day was over I started to practice the routine that was barely finished on time. I would play the music and start doing the first couple eight counts and then get stuck. I would then start it over maybe get to the second eight count and then get stuck again. This went on for about an hour so I started to practice the other two routines. I had these down but was frustrated with my pom routine and needed a break.

After about an hour of pausing from the routine I went back to it. I played the music and could not even remember the first eight count. I was extremely frustrated and asked my teammates to help me and finally started to get through the whole routine. Finally! I was pleased with my progress and finally let myself rest for a while.

I thought to myself that I should probably run it just one more time before I go to bed just in case. I went in the hallway with the others and turned the song on. I froze. I didn't even know how the first eight count went. I decided that it was possibly because I was distracted by others and went around the corner of the hotel floor to a hallway where I was alone. Once again I played the music and could not figure out any part of the dance. I watched videos of it that I found on YouTube but it was around 2 a.m. and I was not retaining anything.
All of a sudden I started to have a panic attack.

I had a hard time breathing, my head was pounding, and I was crying on the floor. This was my first year on varsity and I did not want this routine to ruin my reputation with my coach for all season. At this point I decided to go to bed and be the first one to wake up the next morning to go in early to practice.

My friend and I woke up at the crack of dawn and the doors were not open. We stood outside, under a tent, in the rain attempting to practice this routine. To my surprise it went a lot smoother than when I broke down in the hall due to the excessive stress that I was under. They finally opened the doors and we had our final practice session with the instructor about thirty minutes before we performed it for the entire camp. I nailed every move and skill both times that we did it full out. I was very proud of myself considering I thought that I knew nothing.
It is finally time for the performance. This was my first one of the day. I told myself that I worked extremely hard on this routine and that as long as I trust myself and smile everything will go well.

We to the center of the floor and get assigned our instructor who will be watching each one of us. The one that was assigned to me was definitely the serious one out of the rest and did not exactly have the fake peppiness that the rest had.

The music goes on and I blank. I stood there in front of all the past coaches that I have had, the new varsity coach, my whole team that came back from summer school to watch us, all of our competition, the parents that came to watch their daughters, and the cold eyed instructor that was evaluating me. I just stood there. I vaguely remember that at some points I tried to figure out where we were in the music but would end up doing the wrong parts. The music turned off and the routine was done. It was now time to stand there in front of the whole camp, put our hands behind our back, and wait until the ribbon was put in our hands. I stood there feeling dizzy and teary eyed staring off into space. I thought to myself that maybe just maybe she will be nice enough and at least give me a red.

I was wrong.

The head instructor cheerfully announced to reveal our ribbons and in front of everyone my white ribbon was shown. I sprinted away from the center of the room and started to sob. No one on my team knew what to say to me except one girl that I did not talk to very often. She came up to me and hugged by right away. She told me that it was okay and that my coach would not mind. I knew that she was just trying to comfort me.
All eyes on me I slowly walk back to sit with my team. I sat there quietly until my next routine was called and then until it was over. I stood up and went directly to my coach to apologize for letting her down. She commended me for working up the courage to discuss this with her which made me feel a little better.
This feeling soon went away when she had a talk with my whole team indirectly telling them that I did not work hard enough and deserved the ribbon that I received.

Throughout the season my coach would continue to bring up this terrible experience but would never mention my name. Every time that it is joked around about I still get a terrible feeling of embarrassment and will always remember the moment that my mind went blank.