Part One

So I guess we’re back here again… So this time it’s about high school. High school doesn’t teach us how to improve they tell us that if we fail, we fail forever. That we as people can never improve or that we will never do better. It’s ridiculous and sets standards that we crush ourselves over trying to stretch to achieve. How can we improve if we are told what the highest and lowest points are? Then we are left to fear that we will always be the lowest. We will always strive to be the greatest, but we will always fall short of what we wished to be. But I guess that’s all we have left to look up to. What we could’ve done. How we could’ve done differently. It’s funny that we will always be unsatisfied with ourselves and yet we are satisfied with being unsatisfied. It might just be me, but I want to be satisfied. I want to live a life that I have chosen. That I don’t “fall short” of. Something that makes my children look at me and say that they want the same for themselves. Is that too much to ask? Am I asking for a perfect world in an imperfect universe? I guess I’ll have to find out later in life. But for now, I’m satisfied. I am happy. And that’s all I need. All I will ever need. Happiness and Jack that is. 

Part Two

Sadness can destroy people. Whether you see yourself as brave and fearless, or weak and unprotected, sadness can and will eventually destroy you. Depression has never been a really helpful thing to have. Most of my day is spent hating myself or faking a smile for people I love. The main issue is the fact that no matter how happy I look and seem, I don’t feel “happy”. That’s not to say that I don’t feel, but it just gets a lot harder to distinguish happy and sad. I’ve studied psychology for many years now and yet I still lack the ability to “fix” myself. I’d love to figure out how to be just sad. Not depressed, not suicidal, not unmovable. Just sad. But the upsetting thing is that I don’t have the ability to control whether I feel happy, sad, angry, or anything in between. I can tell how someone opposite of me is feeling. No matter what they try to tell me. I don’t easily get swayed by a false smile and a slight giggle. As easy as it is to lie to yourself, you can’t lie to me. I’m barely still here. All I want is Kiara but there isn’t much hope in me getting to see her. So… Yay…

Part Three

Well, here I am. Once more with another round of randomness. I’ve honestly been struggling with so much and it feels like I have to shove myself through each day. It’s been killing me and it hurts to think that I can’t even get it together for my best friend. Each day starts off the same with me feeling exhausted even though I’ve just woken up. I always seem to wake up like this even though I get the standard 8 hours of sleep I feel like I just pulled an all nighter. I just want to break down crying some days but I can’t do that because then the questions roll in like a tidal wave. It all crashes down and around me, shoving me every which way.

By the end of the day I feel like my best friend is my bed and the sandman wishes to lure me to a land of beauty and love. I can’t seem to stand on my own two feet for too long before giving up and looking for a crutch, any crutch. The world wants to fight against me by not giving me the energy to fight back.

I just feel so drained...