Cold, terribly lit hospital. I wandered from the waiting room to my mom’s room. The nurses were so nice, but that was their job; make you feel special and happy so you don’t think about the loved one you’re about to lose.This wasn’t the ordinary hospital, it was hospice, the place you go when you’re sick and are going to die.

Unfortunately, that’s where my mom ended up. After nearly 4 years, she had made it this far, somewhat fine with the every-so-often cough that would get us all worried. But all good things come to an end. Unfortunately, this was my mom’s end at stage 4 lung cancer.

Watching your mom suffer, your whole life and purpose suffer, jeez, I can’t even explain the pain you go through. It’s a whole other level of pain I didn’t think I would have to go through at such a young age.

Besides the ice cylinders, the hospital didn’t have any good food, but when do they ever. They don’t have anything good. They didn’t have comfortable chairs. I thought it was because they didn’t want you to stay and see your loved one die, but I could be wrong. Spending the night hurt even more than the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room. Knowing that she had to suffer another night. I obviously didn’t want her to die but I also didn’t want her to suffer. The only semi-good thing about all this was that I got to miss school and actually be with my mom.

Although it might sound cheesy, I went through all 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When you think of the stages of grief you don’t think it’s an actual thing, you just think it’s something therapists make up to explain what you’re feeling. But it’s a real thing, and I was even going through it before I went through grief. I can remember feeling denial, just thinking, wow this isn’t happening right now, I am not losing the best thing in my life. Or just being so angry I can’t even comprehend anything the nurses or my grandparents say. Losing the best thing in your life has to be the worst moment of your life.