Through sitting here in the waiting room I've had time to think. So what have I been thinking about? Death. But not Death itself, rather what happens after its ashes have been spread. I looked down at my motherin her hospital patient attire, and wonder how would it be if something went wrong. Not in a sad sentimental way, but in a straight forward pros and cons way. Now I'm no sociopath. I care deeply for my mother and her well being. If i didn't then why would i be sitting here for what has been 6 hours so far. First i think about where i would go to live. Not with my father. Mike, possibly. NO! Beth. I could take the bus to and from school from Beths house. Her family loves me as much as I love them. "They love me as my mother 'did'." I would say to those who questioned.

When my mother passes i could cut my hair, change myself to be the person I hid from my mother. I sounds harsh to rejoice the thoughts of what could be, especially at a time like this, but i dont control what goes through my had. I let it rush from thought to thought. Like a happy dog, I let my thoughts run back and fourth through the backyard of my imagination. Outside of my house of logic they can bark as loud as they want. Imagining my mother dead or even imagining myself dead brings about emotions that I beleive I need to feel. I dont feel any remorse for having these thoughts. These insane thoughts are what keep me sane. Now isn't that rhetorical. Well I am goign to leave you here. Dont dwell upon my thoughts, but rather your own because remember these are the meer thoughts of a sane person.