The loss of a pet can be like losing a family member, especially if that pet is a dog. The bond that is created between a dog and his or her owner is a bond that cannot be separated, even in death. This loss of a family member changed me for the better because it let me see what kind of person I am in the presence of grief and sadness.

This death occurred for me around thanksgiving, my family and I were planning on going to the mountains for thanksgiving to try something new. We have never done this before and we thought it would be fun to try out. The only persistent problem we kept running into is where we will leave our dog. Our dog was an English bulldog that we adopted from my uncle. We named this dog Obbie and he has been the only pet I have had for as long as I could remember. Even at a young age Obbie was very independent and grumpy, we usually associated that with the glaucoma that he had. According to the nurses, he was very healthy and had amazing genes, the glaucoma never advanced and he was able to keep his eyesight. Obbie lived till about 12 (he would have been twelve in December) which is very impressive for an English bulldog whose life expectancy was 8-10 years of age. Because of his independent nature, we did not want to keep him in any ordinary kennel. We did not want to bring him with us either because my baby cousins were going or he was never really good with kids. We finally decided that we were going to leave him with my grandmother who was not going with us to the mountains. We decided this about a week before Thanksgiving.

It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, we were still home and it went like any other morning in the house. That was until about 8:00 in the morning. I was already awake at the time because I am a huge morning person but my family loves sleeping in on the weekends. 8:00 hits and Obbie, who sleeps in our laundry room, starts randomly barking at nothing. He wakes up the whole house and by the time that they are awake I was already downstairs checking on him. I kept calling his name but he seemed like he did not recognize me. He also kept barking at shadows in the room. Dazed and confused I run up the stairs and confront my dad about the situation. Also confused, he tries to use food to get his attention. He grabbed a piece of bread and tossed it to Obbie. He seemed to jump for it at first but when it hit the ground, he kept smelling and could not find the bread, like he had lost his sense of smell. My dad called the vet nearby and told him all the symptoms we were seeing. I was not able to hear the conversation that well but I got the overall message. I knew the next step that was to happen, I knew that he was in pain but I still could not grip the fact that I will be going to bed tonight knowing that I had lost my dog.

The only people that knew were me my mom and my dad, we did not want to tell my younger sibling till after Thanksgiving so they can still enjoy themselves. We had to take my dog, who has clearly gone insane, into the car and to the vet. The only way to get him to move without barking at us was to use food to lure him, so we grabbed the nearest couple slices of bread and we were off. After about 5 minutes of trying to get him in the car we finally get him in, that is when it really hits me. We were literally taking my dog to his death, granted he was not acting like him. But still, it was my dog that I had known all of my life. My mom obviously did not want to see this so she took my two other siblings and went to my aunt’s house. When we get to the office, it looked as gloomy as ever. I know that it does not usually look like that because we have been there before with him, but this day, it just was not the same. The pastel yellow color of the walls and the sterile smell just depressed me even more than I was. To this day I still do not know why it depressed me but it just did. This particular vet had two rooms and a sliding barn door that leads into them. When we enter the room, I have to clutch my dad even tighter because I was within minutes of having to say goodbye to a friend that has been with me for all those years.

The doctor walks in to do one final checkup just to make sure that he absolutely has to be put down. To no one’s surprise he did. The doctor goes into the back room to get everything ready. The first thing she does is come in with a syringe with a hot pink color to it. She explains that this calms the dog down so that they can inject the other liquid easily. They tried to get the needle into the vein but they could not get the right angle on it so they put a tube into the vein to make it easier to inject the liquids. After putting the tube in she starts with the hot pink, I will never forget the way my dog went from his energetic self to almost spontaneously sleeping snoring as loud as he usually does in his sleep. Next came the clear liquid and I bet you could guess what that meant. When she walked back into the room with the clear liquid there was an eerie silence that fell across the room, the type that makes you almost squirm in place. She injects the syringe into the tube and before she pumped the liquid in I wanted to look away and pretend all of this never happened, I wanted to think back to all the memories we shared and cling on to them forever, but I knew in order for me to get full closure I had to see it. It kind of sounds dumb now that I look back on it but in the moment I felt like for my dog’s sake, I had to be strong in his last moments. The doctor pumped the liquid in and it was a good 20-30 seconds until anybody dared to move. It was the doctor, she pulled out her stethoscope and with tears in her eyes looked up at us and nodded.

The doctor left the room and on her way out she said “Take as much time as you need to say goodbye.” Seconds passed of just me and my dad staring at the lifeless body that was our loving energetic dog. It was my dad to move first, I felt like a deer in headlights unable to move. While I was sitting there, there was still a thought in the back of my mind. I still had a small feeling that Obbie will just get up and walk out of the vet with us and we will have our dog back. Of course, that was not the case. After I was able to move myself I just could not stop petting him in the spot that he used to love. The spot that will make his tail wag and what would look to be a smile on his face but alas nothing. Again that thought was just poking at the back of my mind, his little tail will start wagging and his face would turn into a smile. I do not think any amount of time would make me ready to leave but there is no way to stop time, there is no way to go back and savor the moments that make us the happiest. There was no other time I wish there was until I was in that room staring at one of the things that brought the most joy to my life. After about five minutes we call the nurse back in and say our final goodbye as they drag him out on a quilt. When those doors close, all of the bottled up emotions break their containers and all of them flood in at once. Sadness, anger, grief, depression, and the biggest one of all emptiness. The car ride back home is a long and silent journey of reflection of what was just experienced.

Sometimes in life the only way to look is forward. This event really brought out my true character because this is the first time I have experienced a loss of this magnitude. It also shows the type of person I am grief wise because in the moment I do not feel sad or angry or depressed. The only thing I feel is disbelief, like I can put this situation behind me and return to normal, until reality hits like a freight train and all of the other emotions show up. However, there is a positive of this situation, I learned that the roller coaster of life is a wild ride and that you can never truly be prepared for what it will throw at you. But I will always know one thing, life does not give me anything I can not handle.