For nearly all of my day, I’m lost in speculation. Most of the time, inside my head is a loud, noisy place. 1,000 thoughts a minute--usually unrelated--fly through it, and there’s no meaningful way to sift through them. An average thought process will usually go along these lines:

Hmm, I need to work on my UWM application, I should turn on my computer. Milwaukee is a nice city--ooh, I’m going out to eat for my birthday. Maybe I could get food in the 3rd Ward, or something. Okay, I should get to work on this application…. But I’m just going to check my email quick, I need to track a package in the mail. Oh! I should really start writing this down right now before I forget------Ding!------Hold on, I need to look at these texts, Snapchats, and Reddit messages…. That reminds me. I saw an interesting article on Reddit the other day about how polar bears are now endangered because of shrinking polar ice, I should definitely read more about that. What caused so much more ice to melt this year than last? How much ice is even on earth? Hmm….I should take a break from homework for a minute. I want an icee, they’re delicious--oh s***! My shift started 5 minutes ago, I’m late!

Despite being in advanced classes throughout my youth, I’ve always had trouble with being late, I’ve alway handed in homework late, and would go to bed late. This is due to a state of major mental disorganization. I’ll often have moments where I become absolutely overwhelmed with the feeling of panic associated with meeting deadlines. Up until very recently, I figured it was due to laziness. I never considered that my thought processes could be outside of the norm--aside from once, at a checkup. I heard my pediatrician ask my mom if she’d ever heard of ADHD. My parents weren’t interested in any medication. They wanted to help me learn how to address any roadblocks I came across in my own way, without the possibility of being labeled a “problem” child at school. She told the doctor that she didn’t want to further busy my schedule with any appointments for it, so the conversation stopped there.

The first time I actually became cognizant of the unconventional way I build thoughts was years after that appointment. During a conversation about focus with my therapist, I finally recognized that an attention disorder causes my brain to think in the way that it does. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can be fantastically discouraging to people who are affected by it. I can sit down to finish homework, feel like I’m working productively towards my goal for two hours, and end up with less than one sentence of work to show for it. When this happens, I can turn cynical. I’ll lead my helter-skelter brain-mill of pessimistic thoughts into an echo chamber. Often, I’ll know what I need to get done, know that I possess the ability to do it, yet still feel unable to tap into whatever channel I need to. Regardless of how bleak my situation can feel, I try not to stay down on myself for too long. What sometimes presents itself as a twisted, knotted mess that fills me with indignation can occasionally be untangled and turned into pure capability.

Here’s where most of my issues start cropping up: I’ll have all of these thoughts racing through my head at such an incredible pace, and my brain will treat each one with equal urgency. I lack the ability to assign a level of importance to my thoughts, and it can seriously sidetrack me from what I’m doing. I can be rushing to get ready for school one minute, and the next, completely wrapped up in re-organizing my closet or reading the label on a bottle of shampoo. Useful, inspiring thoughts can be produced in a blink, but can be replaced just as rapidly. On top of leading to long droughts of productivity, remembering deadlines and being on time is very difficult for me.

With such a chaotic thought process, some thoughts will undoubtedly be scattered beyond any organizable scale. I can get so overloaded by them that I think myself in circles for hours, nights, even weeks at a time. If these thoughts persist, I will feel increasingly isolated within my head. The only way to snap myself out of this cycle is an almost completely random event. Within the deafening white noise of thoughts constantly darting through my head, occasionally I will stumble upon rare instances of pure gold. Ideas can suddenly become clear. I could be filled with a sense of ingenuity for towards what I usually find mundane. It can be a spark of curiosity, or a new source of inspiration. Sometimes, doing something as simple as thinking from a fresh perspective is all that it takes. Regardless of how these constructive thoughts manifest, they are powerful tools I can use to magnify my thoughts through the passion they elicit.

If I manage wrap myself around an ever-fleeting golden nugget before I lose it, my whole mindscape will transform. I can use them to give me the excitement, inspiration, or emotional investment that I need to fully immerse myself in an idea. When I get really wrapped up in something, I become so invested in it that my hodge-podge collection of thoughts can be laser focused with outstanding accuracy. It’s as if I can get all of my bickering internal voices to forget their differences for a little while, and unite. When I’m in this state, I can be incredibly effective. If I can maintain my focus, I’m able to get through weeks of homework in a single night. The only problem: for this state to occur, I need to be in a totally controlled environment. Maintaining this flow-like state is tricky; even if I have a steam-train of thoughts chugging along at the speed of sound, it will be careening down such a precarious track that derailing it is a simple task. A fly landing on my computer screen, a slammed door, or a brotherly altercation I overhear can absolutely annihilate any sort of order within the chaos of thoughts, requiring me to re-build my delicate state of focus. Because of this, music is vital to productivity for me.

When I put on my headphones, I can get lost in a nearly meditative mind-state, with all of the distractions of the outside world replaced by a driving, powerful source of order. Music allows me to get stuff done. It doesn’t matter if it’s a new hip-hop album, or an experimental electronic groove. It could be an 80s rock anthem, a relaxed jamaican melody, or an R&B ballad. The notes, harmonies, and progressions give me structure. The intricacies within the music fill up space that would otherwise be occupied by idle thoughts. A building crescendo, bubblegum bass, or an emotional high note all work to further immerse me in the music and keep me from losing an elusive state of focus.

By approaching challenges that stem from scattered thoughts with self-reflection and trial-and-error, I took what is normally seen as a lifelong annoyance and embraced it. Exploring and brainstorming off of tangentially related topics can lead to learning experiences, adventures, and stories that I treasure. My eccentric curiosities help me confidently relate with a diverse crowd. The way I over-analyze situations can also show itself through imaginative ideas, or elegantly successful solutions to problems. I view the way I fixate in on certain things as a hobby; since I can always find a new topic of interest, I’m never bored for long. ADHD is generally treated with medication that can subdue unruly thoughts--but can subdue the personality as well. While many have found this method to work, I am progressively more comfortable with accepting my idiosyncrasies for what they are, and adapting with them as I need to.