She smiled, but she was not happy.

Her smile was not a reflection of her emotions, but simply a movement of her muscles to prevent sorrowful pity from those who simply could not understand, because she did not understand it herself. She did not understand it, the pain she felt. For some reason she carried an unbearable weight and day-by-day her heart was breaking even more. She told everyone she was fine. Everything was fine, but fine is not really okay. She was lost and confused and in trying to find herself, she had isolated herself so much that it became nearly impossible for her to reconnect with the world.

She lived through the days as a body, not a soul. The dissociation from her true self made it hard for her to remember the untroubled times of her life. She held onto the good times for reassurance, but as each gleeful memory was stripped from her mind, her anguish became more apparent. Sadness simply seemed inescapable; everywhere she looked she found it. She saw the sadness in nature and the sadness in art. Her eyes no longer saw a pleasing perspective of beauty. Her light was consumed by the darkness, and there was no warmth, only the bitter cold. But she was not fazed. Nothing was there. 

So she went through the days waiting to feel something, anything. But everything around her remained dull; all she knew was sorrow. Her once bright blue eyes became a shade of dismal grey and her glistening gold locks lacked the shine they once held. Her face grew paler, and her body frailer. The bright aura that radiated from her unstressed skin had dimmed to a blueish hue. Joy was nowhere to be found. The immensity of the world had overwhelmed her and the thought of happiness seemed incomprehensible. The more she thought about it, the more she understood the world; it was falling apart right in front of her dying eyes.

She was trapped in a world of malaise and depression, and despite searching for obvious resolutions to escape her bitter world, she could not manage to pull herself out. Sadness was her nature; it was what she could not escape, no matter how hard she tried. She desperately tried to hold onto every piece of herself that remained, every piece that she could bear to face without utter disgust. She held on for her life because deep down, she knew that once she lost herself, she would be gone forever.

The realization of the girl’s depressing life finally hit her. She had been wasting her life and what little time she had being miserable. She made a conscious decision to change the way she viewed the world and her place in it. She decided that she wanted to live before it was too late. She wanted to live a life that was worth living. The dark hole that she had confined herself in was no longer a comforting place, but a dark reality. She knew that every second she spent being sad was a second closer to her end. So she continued to fake a smile until one day it became real, and until she transformed into the person she once knew before life got in the way. Every day the sun got a little brighter and her eyes grew more vibrant. Her hair regained color and the unique flame she withheld began to radiate.  She was finally able to laugh with pure bliss and love freely with her whole heart. The world slowly became a better place and she was eventually able to see that it was not as bad as her perception. The hole that she had fallen into nearly destroyed her. But, she continued to push aside her hate and learn to love herself, hoping that one day she could get out. Each time she fought to climb out of the hole, and out of the depression she had been battling, her eyes opened a little bit wider, until she reached the top, until she found herself, and until she was no longer trapped. This time, she smiled a different smile. She smiled with a purpose. She smiled of love. And she smiled because she was happy.