I'm so tired of this crap! I want to have a life. I don't want to feel the pressure anymore. I want to find who really I am. I am only human. I have flaws. I did make stupid decisions. Please let me be free from all of your expectations. I’m sick of it!

These are the words that I want to blurt out in front of you, but I can't. The words that for years, I was keeping inside of me because of fears.

I can still clearly remember the day when all the disappointments on your faces knocked down my spirit and brought shivers all over me. There were a lot of times when I felt the pressure you’ve been giving and how it was choking me at its very best.

I was in the 5th grade then when I got a grade of 85 in Civics for the third quarter. It became a nightmare for me as you father went home just to check up on me. Yes! Series of confrontations came next. It wasn’t easy. You were so disappointed in my grade. I just understand what you’re reaction was. Who wouldn’t be angry right? From a grade of 95 going down to 85, a 10-point decrease. It isn’t acceptable for you, I KNOW.

I graduated in high school on top. I have seen the big smiles on your faces. Yes! Big smiles were painted in your faces. I was happy. I made you proud. I graduated still on top after all these years. I thought all the pressures and expectations would end there. But I was wrong. It just became worse.

Now, I’m in my college days. The feeling of being pressured became the language of my life. I’m struggling and I’m in the verge of breaking down. I’m dying because of the deadlines and exams I have to meet. You were there at my back. Thank you for the support but Ma and Pa, you’re supporting me right? But why am I feeling more burdened when you’re texting me to do well. I’m trying my best. Please stop telling me to study harder. I am. You don’t have to tell me.

Please understand Ma and Pa that I’m not merely enjoying my life in here. I know all of your sacrifices just to send me to this school. Just don’t pressure me anymore. I’m really sorry if ever those standards you set for me to achieve aren't reached. I'm not perfect.

As each day passed, more and more is my wish to be someone else. I'm wishing for a time machine so that I could go back and change my past. What if I haven't tried to be on top? What if I only settled to be an average student? Would your expectations be the same? It wouldn’t be the same right? You would just let me do whatever I desire.

I pity myself now. I want to be just like brother who doesn’t receive any pressure from you.

I wish I could fly, but I can't. I wish I could reach my dreams without any reprimands from you to change it and be always on top. I wish that one day you would realize that you're choking me to death with what you're doing. You’re killing me little by little. Stop this!

I might be over-thinking but please untie from the chains that are engulfing me. Please!