Dear Tyler,

You don’t know me, but for a short time period, we were in World Literature together. Never talked to each other and probably never even glanced at each other, but I’m penning this letter to apologize. I’m sorry for the loneliness. I’m sorry for the guilty feelings. I’m sorry for the worthlessness and the helplessness. I’m sorry for the sadness. I’m sorry for the numbness. I’m sorry for the voices that whisper everyday. I’m sorry for the forced outlet. I’m sorry for the pretending.

I don’t know your own personal reason for why you did this, but I do understand your reasonings behind it. Too often does everyone else think warning signs should be given off. They think those who battle depression sulk around all day are easy to pick apart from “normal people”. They just don’t understand do they? It’s an act. A show. Our own little production. Solemnly wake up. Brave face, maybe even a smile. You practice with on one person. A friend. A family member. Someone else who supposedly cares about you. You pass. You practice with more people. You pass again. It gets easier. The façade fools many people. You try to pretend it does, but the effort is not enough to fool you. The thoughts…they’re the worst. No one can save you from your head. Or at least that’s what they tell you. That’s what you listen to everyday. That’s what you feel forced to believe in everyday.
I’m sorry that part of me feels guilty. I’m sorry that part of that guilt lies in jealousy. I tried and was successful but still failed. I’m still here. Sometimes okay, sometimes miserably I might add. You’re actually gone. It doesn’t feel like it however; you’re just somewhere playing hookie right? What is it like? Do you feel anything? More pain? Remorse? Peace finally? I sincerely hope you are doing okay.

We miss you and I don’t know if we will ever move on truly, but I wanted to write this letter to firstly apologize. I wish things turned out differently. You had so much going, you deserve to be here and live your life fully. But that’s the old generic saying to this “tragedy”. Secondly, you gave me a chance to admit my feelings and understanding on this situation. For so long, I’ve been silent and even now still, I remain so because no one is there. No one else knows. Even if they claim they’ve been through it, it is almost never a help. What are you to do when you are so alone? It’s so cold this existence is. Not even like space, which is often characterize as lonely, desolate, and obsolete, but is actually quite the opposite. There are stars, planets, galaxies, and other celestial bodies. If not for the sake of functionalism and equilibrium, everything still works together and it seems like everything fits together and it seems like everything fits together. This natural phenomena, it stops when it comes to paradoxes. It can’t fix it because it’s not just a shift; we completely dismantle the dynamic. We don’t fit the equation, piece of the puzzle, or into the social mold. We try and pretend to, but you can’t be a part of what you never were in the first place.
Tyler, this letter will never get to you. Quite frankly, I don’t even know if you care. I feel bad because it seems I wrote this for more selfish reasons. And maybe I did, however my purpose still stands. I want to say good-bye. To the guy who sat across the way. To the guy who had parents who loved him. To the guy who had a girlfriend who witnessed the show and not the reality one last time so it was her last memory. To the guy who has a little girl who’s one day going to grow up and know everything but will hopefully grow up to surpass the darkness and be guided to the light. Somehow I think someone who knows what it feels like to be lost, will be there to help her find her way back if she seems to stray.

Good-bye Tyler, I hope this letter finds you doing well. I very sincerely hope that you found in death what life couldn’t give you. Very sickeningly it may seem, you are my hero, but I should never encourage such things. For that reason and for my guilt and sadness over your death, you’re also my depressant. I don’t know how to feel since you’ve done this. Part of me wants to fight, but part of me knows that temptation is still there. Do you think I should act on it? Or should I continue on? Will I cause a smile for someone when they remember me? Will I ever be the reason a smile is wiped off someone’s face if something were to happen? There is always someone who cares right? Always? I suppose. I’m going to keep trudging on, for if I don’t, then I’ll see you soon. But let’s put that off until tomorrow. Today I will look in the mirror and will try and turn my myth into the real thing. I will always try and put it off until tomorrow. When I open my eyes the very next day, it will never be tomorrow because it will always be today. Good-bye again Tyler, I hope one day that I get the chance to meet you and talk to you. But let’s hope that one day is later rather than sooner.