What was it like? I asked myself this all the time about panic attacks or anxiety attacks. I’ve seen my friends have them but I never had one myself. Until that one day I was home alone. The feeling of dread and a malevolent presence nearby really isn’t that bad… until you experience it yourself.

I was home alone at my father's house. I wasn't doing anything important that would cause what I soon felt. The feeling of just dread, fear, and of a malevolent force nearby. I shook and curled up into a ball in the chair I was sitting in towards the wall, hoping the feeling would pass.  I started to shake which never happened to me before. I was getting scared. I rarely get scared with a reason to be let alone without one. I shook like a nervous dog with no fur. I got cold sweats like a patient on House MD. The feeling got so bad and I sweated so much That I bursted out from my seat in the Living room and ran to my room to try and escape the feeling.

Once I got to my room crawled on my bed, got into the fetal position and rocked myself. The room was shadowed and cold. The feeling didn’t go away, it was bigger. I felt like something was watching me and it hated me. Just unadulterated hate and anger. That made me snap and I started to cry “No no no no no” I thought to myself as I rocked myself. I needed to distract myself from the feeling so with all the force and effort I could, I grabbed my phone that was on the ground and texted Ashley, my girlfriend. She has had many before which I experienced first hand with her. She quickly called me when I told her I was terrified and asked me what was wrong.

“I-I-I don’t know” I struggled to get the words out because I was scared. The line was quiet for a couple of seconds then she started to try and calm me.

“It’s okay… Nothing is watching you or trying to hurt you” She said in a calm voice but I could tell she was scared. She has never seen me this panicked and scared before.

I had shut my eyes. I was afraid to open them. I was afraid I’ll see the thing that wanted to hurt me and I thought, if I didn't see it, it wouldn’t attack or hurt me. Without opening my eyes, I saw or imagined two pairs of eyes. One was feminine and the other looked like they belonged to a man. I saw myself laying on the bed, the wall in front of me was black and they eyes looked down at me. One (Feminine) seemed to have the look of sympathy but the other, pure hate in his eyes. The one with hate tried to grab my foot which made me flip out and cry harder and flail toward the top of my bed. “No no no no no no no” I repeated in my head over and over, begging, pleading for them to leave me alone. Ashley tried to calm me down which worked out… After 20 minutes.

I started to calm down. Ashley's voice made me breathe slower and calmly. I eyes slowly walked, floated, or faded away, I didn’t see them leave. I stopped sweating and shaking but I was weak.

“Are you okay now?” Ashley asked concerned.

“I-I’m better than I was” I gave a very slim smile of relief. She seemed happier and I could tell she was smiling.
“Good!” She shouted enthusiastically. After of a couple of minutes talking we hung up and I slowly made my way back into the living room. My eyes were clear, the house looked nicer than it did. It was brighter and it was a dusk where the sun was setting, not rising. My outlook was brighter. Thank god that is over I thought as I walked into the living room again.

In that period of 30 minutes I learned how to handle panic attacks, and that it was okay to reach out for help. It changed the way I look at life. I’ve had a couple attacks since then and I still see those eyes; they change emotions depending on the situation. All of that is what changed after my first attack.