“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to the people who don’t understand.”

To my thirteen year old self,

It’s Friday night, and you’re probably sitting inside the withdrawn, concealed walls of your bedroom listening to whatever the new band it is that you’ve found this week to obsess over. The door is locked, the curtains are pulled wide open, revealing the radiant stars outside. How can there be so many of them? you’ll wonder, and ponder over for the next few years of your life. No matter what science classes you take and how many Google searches you make for it, there isn’t an answer- believe me, you’ll try for years. Standing beside that window, you’re going to write that one special boy’s name on the snowy white sill in black permanent marker. (Spoiler alert: you’re actually not going to be with him for all of eternity and more.)

Immediately after doing this, you’re consequently going to begin worrying about how furious your parents will be when they find out about this- don’t worry, they aren’t going to think twice about it. Just a couple of months down the jagged line of adolescence, that window sill is going to be outlined in a whole new blanket of white, and that boy’s initials, (who did those belong to anyway?) are going to be basked in a brand new coat of that same snowy color- because change, even in the slightest, scares you. Don’t worry, you do grow out of this.

As you sit there and gaze up at those twinkling lanterns in the sky, you’re going to envision yourself just a couple years into the near future- high school. You can’t wait for all the laughing and growing you’re going to do within the next few, short years- but try your best not to rush it. High school isn’t all what you only believe it’s going to be; eventually, you’re going to lose friends, spend many nights up to your neck in piles of homework (when was that essay due again?), and people are going to change. That one girl, the one who’s your best friend now? She’s going to end up trading you in for booze and boys; you’re going to see that big smile she’d always worn disappear. That blonde haired girl who could turn anybody’s day around in a split is going to be undeniably sad. You’re going to be the only person to notice when her eyes start appearing more swollen, her laughs start to sound a little more forced, and her smile is going to look a little more cracked. You’ll know that something, somewhere inside of her, is broken; you’re not going to find out what, however. Nobody else understands her like you do, and although she pushed you away, she’s going to hurt from doing so for years down the road. “You’re my best friend,” she’d told you a million and three times; remember that actions always speak louder than words. Consequently, this is going to hurt you just as much as it will her. I want you to be aware that with every loss comes a much bigger, more gratifying gain.

Another important lesson: the world is going to try its hardest to break you. People are going to be critical, and cruel, and harsh- you’re going to take this to heart. That one boy, the one whom you gave your heart out to, only for him to call you such ugly things? “Ugly, fat, stupid,” he’d called you, without a warning. (Yet another boy, who you’ll find isn’t worth your time.)  You’re going to spend many nights giving yourself a hard look in the mirror. “Your brown hair is too dull,” (you’ll dye it a hot red your freshman year). “Your hips are too wide,” (you grow into them eventually). “Your eyes are too big,” (they’re the normal size of human eyes, stop nitpicking). All of these thoughts of yours are going to seem like they’re true, but the keyword there is “seem”. Although it seems like your world is ending, I can promise you it’s going to begin once again in the morning. These thoughts will echo in the deepest crevice of your mind for a long time to come- and even years down the long, blind road you’re going to ponder them still.

The one teacher- the one whose class you’re going to study for day and night, still isn’t going to be impressed with you; mainly because you aren’t able to explain to the entire class what chemical energy is. She’s going to embarrass you further when your face turns an even brighter shade of maroon than it ever has before. (“Maybe if you paid more attention, you’d know what was going on, Hannah.”) You’ll believe every chance you have at college is over too, when you earn your first C on an exam- keep in mind that no college is going to heed the B you earn in Science 7.

One day, your silence is going to break like an egg. You’ll have kept quiet for too long, and your thoughts will eat away at you like flies fighting over a corpse. All those words and secrets, shut up deep inside your head, are going to come spilling out like you’d always wanted to- only not in the most graceful manner. “I’m not happy, I want to get out of here, I want to be somebody else,” you’ll scream, tears running down your face. (Your name may mean “grace,” but you’re never going to be able to successfully master the art of it.) Every thought of self-hatred and harm is going to slip out to your parents, who are going to see this as just a phase. Please, please never forget that your happiness is what’s most important. Don’t ever substitute something you want for what someone else expects of you. You’re going to be excessively anxious about if your parents are going to be mad about all the thoughts you’d kept locked away for so many years- they’re going to be. (“Maybe she needs counseling, therapy, to talk to our pastor…”) Just know that they love you, and that despite the fact that you actually believe they don’t understand anything and only want to make your life dolorous- they’re more clued in than you realize, and they’re just as afraid as you are.

There’s going to come a dark period before you’re fourteen- before you’re even old enough to know just how bad the world can get. Your smile’s going to disappear for a while, and demons are going to twist your thoughts into caliginous shadows of self-hatred. “If only I was thinner. If only my hair was a little longer. Maybe if I had bigger lips, smaller hips, everybody would like me,” you’ll believe. Even if you feel like you’re not making a difference within the world, you are. Giving up isn’t an option, and every dark thought is soon going to be overtaken by happiness. You’re going to meet a best friend; a true one that stays when life gets hard, who understands even when things get tough, and loves you despite all of your most hated flaws. Go out and find her, don’t waste a second, because she’s worth the quest. Stop wallowing in your own self pity, stop thinking you’re not good enough or too warped to be loved, since she’s going to love you just the same.

This letter is going to strike fear into you, because the only thing you’re ever going to desire to be is happy. Happiness is not, nor will it ever be, achieved through surplus measures of prosperity. The clothes you wear, makeup you apply, and smile you put on will never make you as happy as you ache for. This is something I cannot stress enough, which is why I’m trying my hardest to stress it now. Don’t act like you’re above anybody else; everyone else’s heart is hurting just as much as yours is. You’re going to laugh at all the ignorant drama one day, but I can promise you that you’ll regret it if you’re mean to people just because everybody else is.

Since you’re overwhelmed with all this, and you’re such a pessimist (Sorry, but that still has yet to change),  you’re only going to look at the dreadful sides of the inevitable. I’m telling you all these things now, because you’ve yet to figure them out on your own. Have strength and fortitude. Don’t let the fear of the future keep you from living it to the absolute fullest. I believe in you now, and I know now that you’re going to grow into such a brilliant, beautiful, strong-minded young woman. (What? Confidence is key, right?) Take care of yourself now, to make my job just a bit easier. You mean more to me than you’ll ever be able to conceptualize.

With all of my love,
   Your fifteen year old self