With the cold blade against her skin tears fall down her face. She stares at the lighted candle, that has a sweet strawberry smell that fills the room. The room is so dark all she can see is the yellowish, red flame from the candle. She sits in the corner feeling the blood flow from arm, as feels so much relief that she goes to make another. She’s not ok but seems to ignore the loud scream she has in her eyes. She has so many questions to why does she feel this way, why did she lose so many , why is the pain so much better when she sees the pain she caused a pound herself? Nobody listened so she thought it would be ok to matters into her own hands. No one knew but the body towels in her in her closet , the long sleeve that covered every scar that was set around her body, as well as the blade that laid under her bed when she couldn’t handle the pain anymore. You would say this is a stage in my life and I would tell you this was a memory that strained my heart and mind letting me think it was ok to harm myself.

           I mean we can answer the questions in so many ways but no one of the answers would have fixed my puzzle nor put it together. The say everything happens for a reason but why did this happen to me when I did nothing wrong? Why did it take 4 months for the people who “ love me “ to realize I wasn’t ok inside and out? Yes, I have help now but I still wonder what would have happened if I didn’t let go of the blade? I might have been the blame but I felt like I was the one laughing toy when in reality I wasn’t even close to being that. Pain doesn’t last forever they said but this pain felt like it would never go away. I felt myself going crazy and about to explode. Like when my cousin moved in? Things really became about him and only him. I was just there to clean and take of people who weren’t taking care of me. I’d feel my mind going in circles and my heart race a little faster when all the voices in my head telling me to do things. Faking every bit of happiness with a smile I’d paint every morning. Happiness was the last thing on my mind , all I ever wanted to do was be alone and shed a couple of tears curled in a ball.Since I could never have that I would take late night showers, the steaming hot water hitting my body as I stared at the candle that lit up on the concer. Tears would fill my eyes, I would try my best to hold back but I knew I needed to let them free. I would spend a hour or two in the shower just letting all my thoughts out within my tears. Coming out the shower you wouldn’t be able to tell I was crying even though my cheeks where a bright red because the fog from the hot water followed me as I left the bathroom. After getting dressed I would lay down look up at the dark blue sky, press my fingers against my smooth skin. Feeling every cut that I made. The moment felt so unreal but the pain was so real.

  Getting off the bus, walking toward my house. I open the door to everyone crying. I walk in with a confused look because I mean why was everyone crying when we just found some great news I was having a baby sister. Getting closer , “ What’s going on ? “ . My aunt pulls me outside and say , “I don’t know how you’re going to take this but your mom can’t have your sister. The way your sister is growing can cause your mom and your sister to die if she gets any bigger.” I can feel my face turning red knowing I wanted to cry , but I suck it in and got up and said nothing. Walking back inside I gave my mom a hug tight enough to feel her body shivering and her small baby bump that she was growing. Pulling away from her hug walking away I put my head down, my moms friends touches my shoulder and asks , “ Are you ok mama ? It’s ok to cry. “ I look her in her eyes give her a bright smile and say , “ I’m ok , I got to be strong for my mom.” Looking back as I said that. Walking into my room I felt the warm tear fall down from my face. I dropped all my things threw myself on my bed and just thought how unreal it was to dream about you being here in my arms. The day before finding this news out we were going baby shopping for you. I could have imagine you sleeping in your bassinet right next to my bed. I didn’t wanna believe this, it’s like I was being punished for things and I was still trying to figure out what. I cry as I write this because I’ll never get to see her smile , her her cry , touch her skin and hold her in my arms. I know she’s in a better place but what if being with me was the best. I didn’t say goodbye and that’s what hurt the most. I know that it wasn’t my fault that she was gone, but I can’t help but to think it was because I drove my mom crazy and I know one of the rules where for the mother to stay away from stress. Could have this been my fault ? Could my sister lost been the reason she’s not here with me today ? I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to hide it anymore. I was already built in enough pain as it was so why not just show it I just didn’t give a f*** if people seen my cuts. Maybe then they’ll see my pain and the scream will finally end.

    My mom wanting to go to dinner , as I get dressed I couldn’t get my sister off my mind. Times like this I would have been dressing her up in little bows and pink outfits. Instead I find the strength to get up and get ready for something I wasn’t looking forward at all. It turned out to be a surprise to see the movie I had been dying to see. After that we went to friendly’s with it being winter weather I had a warm jacket on , but it was so hot in friendly’s . As we eat are food and talk about the movie , my mom tells me to take off my jacket because she can see my cheeks are turning red. When I realize I have a short sleeve on I look my mom in the eyes and say , “ I’m sorry , please don’t be mad “. As she looks at me with a confusing look on her face I take off my jacket and place my arm on the table. No words came out her mouth. I see her eyes getting big as if they were going to come out her head. Now she was turning red as if she was going to start crying. Then it came out , “ what is this?”

I pick my head up was my tears splash on my shirt. I shake my head and continue to cry. My mom sits across from me with a black look on her face and says she done. Drops the cash on the table and says , “ I'll be in the car”. I look down at my arm as I see my mom walk away and clear my tears. I get in the car no words are said the whole ride home. As we enter the door I head to the bath take a shower, as I get ready for bed my mom walks in and hugs me tight. As she hugs me I can feel her tears on my shirt and she says, “ I hear you baby, I was here for you please stop.” With the crack in her voice I shed a tear as well. See that’s the thing I had always knew people were there for me just didn’t know if they would understand. She pulls away and tells me she loves me kisses my head softly , shuts off the light and people were there for me just didn’t know if they would understand. She pulls away and tells me she loves me kisses my head softly , shuts off the light and leaves me to see my dark shadow on the ceiling.

    I knew I needed help I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. In the morning before I left for school I hugged my mom tight and kissed her cheek. In school I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom and what she was thinking at the time. She was rock and I hope I didn’t let her down. As I enter the door my mom is putting away food , she looks my way and tells me to sit down. “ I know you're not going to open up to me , but I love you to much too keep letting you hurt yourself. Seeing those scars hurt me so much you don’t understand. I called your doctor and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Just know I'm here for you, you're never alone. “ my mom say’s , I can see the tears running down her face and she takes another look at my arm. I look her in her eyes while mines start to get watery and reply with , “ OK mom, for you and sean ? I will . “

     As I sit in the chair with complete silence, the lady I was sitting in front of takes a glimpse at my arm and then her laptop. She asks me a few questions like , “ have you ever try to hurt yourself ? “ , “ DO you ever hear voices “ , “ What’s the reason you’re here today ?She ask me, “ how long have you felt this way. “ That’s when it hit me. I shed a tear and picked myself right back up , answering her question with , “ I lost my sister. I feel like it’s my fault, I acted like such a cold hearted child and when I was finally happy ? Being like that bit me in the ass and took every bit of happiness I thought I had and I feel broken.” Although I didn’t want to cry , I did I felt like I could be free for once and tell someone my story without hearing the same old , “ Hunny it’s not your fault”. Beating the thought in my mind was so hard but I did it with the help of my therapist.  After the paperwork and a month worth of meeting this a lady I knew nothing about but she knew so much about me. I changed my ways , I was more open with myself , more outgoing and I’m not going to say happy but I was definitely was better. I couldn’t thank her enough cause only god knows where I would have been if so. I was only 14 , i'm 18 and although some may break me down? I know I’m going to be ok. All I need to do is keep pushing myself even when I feel like I can’t cause I know you can win anything you put your mind to.

  I don’t regret what I did, or what has happened in my past. I know it wasn’t what every 14 year old child wishes but in my case ? I found myself and if I can ? You can ! Never let the thought of harming yourself eat your mind. Be strong because you are.