Well, It all started with a bad body image and low self esteem from as long as I can remember.  I remember hating my physical appearance from a very early age.  I would compare myself to all of those around me.  Since I was adopted, I was not really around people of my ethnicity or culture.  I felt so out of place. 

As I started to get older, I started to get bullied by my peers and that just put down my confidence even more.  I eventually started to get depressed and started to think about and consider the ultimate choice: suicide.  After my adopted mom passed away when I was nine, I started life with her sister.  She was nice at first and got me some therapy.  Friends of my family could tell that I was not doing very well as life progressed.  I eventually moved to another house right before I went into middle school.  This is when I got made fun of more for finding things that I was interested in at the time.  I felt so out of place. 

I eventually  moved to another state for high school.  I was still really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  I also started to watch my weight and what I was eating my Freshman year of high school.  I then got molested by a young man at the end of my Freshman year.  That terrified me.  I just cried and did not want to leave the house.  I eventually went to the route of self harm and cut myself throughout the rest of high school.  My aunt would just say that I did not need help and that she did not want me to tell others what was going on in my life. 

I found out my aunt's secret of alcholism my junior year.  I had to take care of her and eventually I moved out to another state.  I then started to begin my quest to loose weight.  I thought that I did not have anyone to talk to and I just shut people out of my life little by little.  I just wanted to be alone.  This gave me the time to be alone with my thoughts and think of ways on how to loose weight and get thin.  I already hated myself and I thought that I was very fat for my body shape.  I thought that I could change that way I looked by loosing weight.  I began to do gym at school and gymnastics outside of school.  The one who took me in after I moved out of my aunt's got me therapy right away for my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  We did not think of it that I would have an eating disoder.  In the Spring of 2014, I got weighed and I had lost enough weight for her to be concerned.  She took me back to my therapist and told her what happened.  My therapist then referred me to a nutritionist and a CEDS who I still see to this day.  As my Senior continued, I just declined.  I eventually started to purge and over exercise.  I would count calories and limit myself to be under a certain number a day.  I just wanted to loose weight.  I became very weak and could not focus.  My treatment team referred me to a residential treatment center that summer, right after I graduated.  They were not sure if I would make it to graduation.  I went into treatment and spent the followning summer doing treatment work and finding ways on how to cope with overwhelming situations.  I then went to college in the fall of 2014.  I thought that I could start college and that things would be fine.  As soon as I got out of treatment, I began to relapse.  I was not following my meal plan, was exercising and started to purge again.  I just could not handle it.  I then went into treatment after the semester ended.  This time I stayed in treatement for about eight months.  I also went to two different treatment centers for my anorexia.  I am now finishing up another semester of college.  I have had many people come in and out of my life and I still have a few friends form treatment that I keep in touch with from my treatment centers.  I still see my therapist and nutritionist on a weekly basis.  This semester was not easy.  I still have the negative voices in my head that tell me I am fat, worthless, ugly, no good, a failure, or I need to be perfect at what I do.  I know that seeking help for an eating disorder is very hard.  I did not want to admit that I had one, especially since to me, I was not sick what so ever.  In my mind, I was FAT.  I still see myself as fat but am trying to not let my eating disorder take over again.  I do want to go back sometimes, but I would not want to wish this disease upon anyone.  I know that my eayes are broken right now and I cannot see reality as others see it.  I just live in my mind and all I see is a fat person who is a failure at everything she does.  It is a cconstant battle about food and whether or not I should eat.  I wish that people would understand better where an eating disorder may stem from.  It  mainly stems from some kind of trauma in one's life.  Anorexia is not a choice.  It is a way that some people turn to when things are not getting noticed.  I thought that I wasn't noticed and that I was nothing is this world.  I am not trying to find positive people to be around, and to be involved in things that seem to make me at least a little happy.  I just want other people to know that they are not alone and that I have gone through a similar situation.  An eating disorder is something that needs awareness.  All types of eating disorders are dangerous whether you can see a person physically change in appearance or not.  I am worrking on reocery.  It is very hard, but I am tring to take it one day at a time.  I hope that others who are struggling, will see their worth and see that they are beautiful inside and out.