"You used to look really mean." "You're socially awkward, aren't you?" "Why do you never talk?" "I thought you just hated me, honestly." "You should go to therapy to learn how to talk to people." I have heard things along those lines time and time again, too many times to keep track of. I never understood, and honestly still don't, how a person can strike up a conversation and keep it going without long, painful silences. I never understood why going somewhere alone or being in an even somewhat crowded area made me hostile, withdrawn to almost a hollow shell, on the brink of tears, trembling violently, and so nauseous I can feel my stomach twisting itself. The biggest mystery, however, is how my parents took no notice, and how I always believed that all of this was normal. I know now that my life-consuming behavior was all due to severe social anxiety.

I have been on an anti-anxiety, anti-depressant for over a year and a half. Countless psychiatrist appointments, raising the strength of my medications, and the search for a well-suited therapist has been a seemingly endless journey. It's a devastating and almost sickening thought that my mental stability (what little stability I have) is due to, and heavily relies on, the chemical aid of 150 mg (only one dosage away from the maximum) of Sertraline, commonly known as Zoloft.

This may not seem like much of a struggle to some; and some may think I do/did not have it bad, there are others who have it much, much worse. Yes, other do have it worse, but I don't think most understand the gut-wrenching feeling of pure panic that falls over my thoughts and the [in the moment] eternal grip of a two, maybe even three, hour long anxiety attack. Blurry, tear-filled vision, hair pulling, nauseating, bloody fingers as I chew down my nails and the skin that surround them; self-hatred, self-loathing, and your will to live quickly fading. Being swallowed by  your own sinister feelings and panic is not relatable to most but, my message is one I hope for all to apply in their lives.

Sadness, stress, and overall bad feelings are inevitable, despite what some would like to believe. Although these feelings are not desired, they are inevitable, unavoidable. Life and the human spirit, every soul requires and demands you feel pain at times. Many people say you control what hurts you; if that is true, I'd love to learn how. With all of that being said, happiness is quite the opposite; you can derive happiness from whatever you allow in. The thing is, however, everyone should learn to take life how it comes, take advantage of happiness and learn to create it yourself. The only true way to a happy life is by relying solely on yourself for happiness.