So here I was standing on the blue cheer mat wondering if I was about to die. It was only a year ago that I had thought I was headed towards my doom. It was a Monday and as usual I was at cheer practice. We practice in the balcony for competitive cheer or when it starts to get cold outside. My practices are two and a half hours long. On Monday’s at cheer practice we have gymnastics. First we start by stretching and warming up with all the gymnastics coaches. We have three gymnastics coaches that come. Dom and Clem are the ones that always come. The third coach changes sometimes. That day it was Zach. Then we split into groups. The people who don’t have a back handspring (when you jump back and up at the same time, you have to find the right balance and you land on you hands then pop/ spring off them) and the people who do. The people who don’t have a back handspring either work on a back handspring or they work on a back walkover (when you go into a backbend but you right or left leg kicks over before you hands touch then you kind of walk over your shoulders land on you feet and stand up. You also go one leg at a time). The people who do have a back handspring are working on a back tucks (it’s like a back handspring but you can’t let your hands touch and instead of keeping your legs straight you bend/ tuck them to your chest, also you don’t jump back at all, you have to jump straight up or there is no way you will make it over). I have a back handspring so I was in the group that was working on back tucks.

The gymnastics coach asked who had the better tucks out of the five to six people in the group. Everyone pointed at me and my friend Marissa. He told us that we had to use the shorter panel mats. What?!? I thought. I have never thrown it off of any other panel mat. I’ve only thrown it off the taller ones. I was starting to get nervous… already. I hadn’t even done one tuck and I was already anxious. It can’t be that bad. I thought. If you can land it easily off the taller panel mats than the shorter ones should just be a little bit of a challenge. I had always liked to challenge myself. A panel mat is a mat that folds up. It has about six layers to it. Each time you land your tuck or any other skill you’re doing you can fold off a layer.

Last year I had landed my tuck on a tumble track. A tumble track is like a trampoline but doesn’t have quite as much bounce. It’s more stiff which means it’s more of a challenge than a trampoline is. Now you may think a tumble track and the cheer floor can’t be that much of a difference, but it is. If you’ve ever jumped on a trampoline for awhile then gotten off and jumped even just once on the ground you know how big of difference it feels. That’s about how doing a tuck from the tumble track and the floor feels.

Also the anxiety is ten times worse. On the tumble track I was nervous but I knew that I had an extra bounce to help me get up higher. I also knew it wouldn’t hurt as much if I landed on my knees. On the tumble track more than likely if you land on your knees you bounce up and it doesn’t hurt. On the floor I had just the power I could get. I had to jump with ten times more force than I used to on the tumble track. I get so much more anxious throwing it on the ground. I’ve landed on my knees plenty of times to know that it hurts a lot more than it does on the tumble track. The ground isn’t too hard, it’s more bouncy than cement but a lot less bouncy than the tumble track. On the ground if you land on your knees, thats it you’re on your knees. You don’t bounce.
I finally got out the shorter panel mat and put it where Zach had told me. Everyone that was in my group had a panel mat. The taller newer squishier panel mats were reserved for the people who didn’t feel comfortable to throwing their tuck. Marissa and I, however, had the shorter older ones means Marissa and I would have to work harder to land our tucks.

Zach told us that he was going to go down the line and spot everyone three times on their tuck off the panel mat. There were five or six people working on their tucks. The people that weren’t being spotted could either do set-jumps (you have to jump straight up and whip your arms up to your ears) onto the panel mat, or if they felt comfortable they could throw or do their tuck off the panel mat. Zach told us the counts would be 5 6 7 8 1 2 3 4 5 and we would stand up on 5. Counting makes sure that every goes at the same time. It starts a 5 so the we have a couple of count before we have to go. Zach spotted me three times and told me if I wanted to I could throw my tuck. He also told me if I was going to make it over I need to jump harder than I had when he was spotting me. He moved on down the line to Abbie Hammond who was next to me. I did my first back tuck and had to take a few big steps forward. The next one I did was better. It wasn’t good. But it was better. I only took two big steps forward. Two more. I thought.  The last one I did I still took a couple steps forward. Zach came back to my end of the line and asked if I had landed the tucks.

“Yes” I said.
“Okay, then show me” Zach said.
“Okay”
Zach started counting and I threw my tuck and it landed.
“Pull a layer of the mat off” he told me.

I did and he counted again. I was nervous but I knew I could do it. I threw my tuck and landed. I didn’t stick it but I landed it. The difference between sticking and landing is, when you stick a skill you land it but you don’t move. You don’t touch the ground at the end and you don’t take any steps, forwards or backwards. Zach counted two more times watching me before he moved onto the next person in line. I threw my tuck with one less layer until he came back to me. I could have pulled off a layer if I landed my tuck at least once out of three times on that layer, but I wanted to make sure I was good before I moved down a layer. If I wasn’t sticking it or at least landing it good on that layer I knew that if I moved down a layer it would just be worse. He came back and told me to fold off another layer. I did. Zach counted and I threw my tuck. I landed it. I still didn’t stick it but I was happy that I landed it. Zach moved onto the next person. I threw my tuck again, but I was starting to get tired so I landed on the balls of my feet then sank down to my knees. I threw it one more time and landed it. Why not go down another layer. I thought. I folded down another layer. I was trying to go faster because Marisa was further down then I was.

I had been folding down levels because I had been landing my tuck. I was feeling pretty good. I only had two layers left before I threw it on the ground. I was excited but I was also extremely nervous. I had done my tuck on the ground before. I have done it a lot on the ground. Everytime that I did it before I landed straight on my knees. I used to get shock bruises on the sides of my legs. So naturally knowing that eventually I was gonna throw it on the ground, I was really nervous. You aren’t throwing it on the ground yet. Calm down. I thought. I threw it off the panel mat with the two layers left. It landed but I took a huge step forward. I looked over at my friend Marissa and she was on the last layer almost to the ground. When I get mad or frustrated it doesn’t help me. I just get upset. I was starting to get really mad because she is a 7th grader and she was doing better than I was. I focused. Or at least I tried to focus.

I threw my tuck again and took like five steps forward. You have to do better than that. Marissa is doing better than you. She’s a 7th grader. She can’t be better than you. I thought. I was hoping that would motivate me, help me do better. It didn’t

“Come on Kuz!” My friend Abbie Hammond said. “Marissa is doing better than you. She’s a 7th grader.” She said. She says things like I think she’s that hoping it will help me. It never does.

“I’m trying!” I said. Trying not to get frustrated. It wasn’t working to well. I could feel that I wanted to cry. You can’t cry. Don’t get frustrated. You’re doing better than you ever had. I gave myself a little pep-talk. I threw my tuck again. It landed. It wasn’t super pretty, but it landed. Right then that’s all that mattered.

I folded off another layer of the mat and flipped it so that the last layer was on the ground, instead of just hanging off making it too hard to stand on. You’re finally on the last layer. You’ve never gotten this far before. I thought. I was so happy yet I was so much more nervous. What if I way under-rotate and land on my face. What if I’m stuck on this layer and Zach makes me put another layer back on? All these thoughts and doubts were running through my mind. My palms were sweating so much. It felt like every second I had to wipe them on my shirt. You’re not even on the ground yet. Why are you so nervous? Marissa is doing way better than you. She’s on the ground now. I was getting mad at myself. I just had to breathe. Don’t focus on anybody else. Just focus on your tuck.  I thought.
“5, 5 6 7 8, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8.” I heard Zach count. I had to throw my tuck. I couldn’t wait anymore. I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. I threw it and landed on my toes then knees. I got back up slowly. It’s okay. Get up and do it again. I thought.

“5, 5 6 7 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8.” Zach counted. I threw my tuck again. It landed. I was so happy.  Zach started counting again. I threw my tuck again. It landed. Crap. I thought. This means that I have to throw it on the ground. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I was freaking out. Just calm down. You’ll be fine. You’ve thrown it outside in the grass before. You’ll be fine. Set-up. Finish your set. Pull your shines over. You’ll be fine. The worst that will happen is you’ll land on your knees. I pushed the panel mat away. I stood on the floor. All the confidence that I had disappeared. I was in full freak-out mode.

So there I was on the blue cheer mat wondering if I was about to die. I was staring at the white wall. I noticed all the little dents in the wall. I looked down when I wiped my hands off. I saw the blue fuzz on the cheer mat. I was freaking out. I was scared out of my mind. I knew I could land my tuck, but I didn’t want to land on my knees. It hurts to land on your knees. I was scared, but I knew that I had to get over it eventually. I thought that now would be the best time. 

“5, 5 6 7 8..” Zach started counting
“Wait,” I said. I wiped off my hands cause they were sweating like crazy. “Okay, I’m good now.” I said.
“5, 5 6 7 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8” Zach counted. He was standing in front of me. I threw my tuck. To my major disappointment I went toes then knees.
“THAT counts. That TECHNICALLY counts!!!” I shouted jokingly.
“Did anything besides your feet touch the ground?” Zach asked.
“Yes, but I landed feet, THEN knees.” I said. “So that counts. Also that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to landing my tuck.” Zach told me to stand in front of him. I did. He said ‘don’t fall’. He pushed and I took steps forward. He told me again, ‘don’t fall’. I was confused. I didn’t know of he meant don’t touch the ground or don’t take steps forward. So this time I went into a pushup position.
“Why did you fall?” He asked.
“I don’t know.” I replied.
“Do your tuck again.” Zach said.
“Okay.” I replied. I hate being this nervous. I thought. But I knew I had to do my tuck. I also knew that I had the potential to land my tuck. I just had to do everything right. I stood back in front of the wall. Still freaking out. Even though I had done it once I was still nervous. You did it once you know you can take as many steps forward as you need to. The worst that happens is you land on your knees. You’ll be fine. I told myself, trying to make myself less nervous. It didn’t help a lot. It helped some but not a lot. I heard Zach start counting again, so I quickly wipe off my hands and got ready.

I sat for my tuck jumped as hard as I felt I could I. It felt like I went so high. I could feel myself rotating and grabbing the back of my shins to help pull them over. I felt my feet hit the ground and I took a step forward. My knees didn’t touch neither did my hands. I had just landed my back tuck. I was so extremely happy, but my coach has this rule where unless you land something three times then you can’t celebrate. She has this rule because landing it once could have been luck. So I couldn’t celebrate, Yet. Marissa however had just landed her tuck for the 3rd so she got to celebrate.

I was so happy for her but at the same time my competitiveness was making me envy her more and more. I didn’t want to feel mad at her, but I did. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t let it show that I was mad I just kept telling her good job, I was proud of her and I gave her a big hug.
“GOOD JOB!! I’m so proud of you!” I told Marissa.

I was proud of her, but I also envied that she didn’t even have to work hard to get her tuck. It took her one and a half seasons. Where it took me almost 4 seasons. I was mad and starting to get upset. It’s okay now you’ve celebrated for her just focus on you. Focus on your tuck. Focus on setting up, finishing your set, and pulling your shines over. I told myself. I looked straight at the wall again and focused. I sat for my tuck set up, pulled my shines over and landed my tuck. I stood up and got back in my spot. Just one more then you can celebrate. I thought. I did everything right and landed it again. I was so happy. I got to celebrate. But it seemed that I was either too tired to land my tucks after those three or it was just luck because after I landed my first three I couldn’t land them anymore. I was upset. Why can’t I land them anymore?!?!?!? I thought. I was frustrated with myself because Marissa was landing hers but I wasn’t. Even the varsity girls were telling my coach that her tuck looked effortless. Marissa kept throwing and landing her tucks. It’s not fair I have worked so hard since I got on this team and got my back handspring to get my tuck and Marissa didn’t even work for 2 seasons on it.
We did ours tucks one more time. Coach Zach began the counts.

“5- 6- 7- 8” I prepare to sit for my tuck. He continues the counts. I’m so nervous. I don’t want to mess this up. I really want my tuck. I stared at the white wall. My hands were sweating really bad. They were shaking like an earthquake.  

I have landed my tuck more after that, but I still don’t land it consistently. I have learned from that for some people things come easier. For me no matter what it is I have to work hard to achieve it. It takes some people a couple of months to understand something but for me it can take a couple of years. Like my tuck, it took me almost four seasons before I landed it on the floor. But for my friend Marissa these kinds of things come easier to her so it only took her about two seasons to get her tuck. Now when I throw my tuck off a panel mat I always use the shorter ones. I like them better. They make me work harder to land my tuck. I got a lot of help that day from Zach. He gave me great constructive criticism and helped with everything. If I hadn’t had gymnastics for cheer that day I probably wouldn’t have gotten my back tuck that day.