I’ll do my best to explain this happening called “The Wall.”  It’s a wall too high to climb over, too deep to dig under, and way too long to walk around.  I just have to wait for the wall to go away, whether it is a couple of hours or a couple of days.  Whatever the length, I wait for it to go away.  This wall happens to many, but it is usually never shown.  Personally, I like to keep my wall hidden, tucked away for no one to see.  I am okay with that choice.  It’s easier for me to continue on with my day if people see me in a better mood than what I actually am in.  Sometimes I hear my own thoughts yelling at me, echoing in the deepest realms of my mind.  I listen to these angry voices at times.  Why are you here?  Why do you want to keep living?  There is nothing people want more than to see you gone!  Give them what they want!  Do it!  These voices force me to grab anything that will wrap around my neck.  These voices tell me that it’s what everyone wants.  These voices make me want to see the world disappear.  These voices are what I really want.  I fight them until I am broken.  I fight them until they go away because I don’t want to hear them anymore. 

Depression has been a “come-with-the-product package” ever since I was ten.  At that time, I didn’t know my brain telling me I’m worthless and tempting me to hang myself wasn’t a part of the status-quo.  I just kind of dealt with it; I “manned up”—at ten.  I have times when I’m super, happy and ready for the day, but there are some days when my life feels utterly pointless.  Many people would say, “We all experience being sad and going through a rut in our lives.”  Depression, for me, is not simply just a “rut”; it feels like being pushed off cliffs and climbing up mountains.  It takes more out of my self esteem and energy levels than anything I have ever done.  It fills me with hate, tears, and hurt.  It is being alone and too crowded at the same time.  It is looking at a playful jump rope and seeing the Grim Reaper’s eyes staring at you.  Words are not just letters put together; they are razor blades, cutting my brain until all of the contents have spewed out.  Lights are too bright, so I stay in the dark.  The walls hold shadows that haunt my eyes. The hands of darkness yank me to their level; their grip is strong.  The thoughts of my family, friends, and other organisms I have come in counter with are my adrenaline.  They give me the strength and stamina that I need to fight away this evil.  I have won the battle many times; I stay undefeated.  They always return with new ammunition; they don’t give up.  Neither do I.

I haven’t told anyone except for my brother and my best friend about the wall.  I only trust those two individuals.  I don’t want to worry people because I don’t want them to be thinking that they are the problem and thus need to change how they are around me.  My best friend still hasn’t changed the way he is, and I appreciate that.  I love him as a human being.  As soon as I fall into the abyss of depression, he stands there with a ladder, telling me to climb.  Whenever I feel down, I text him immediately.  He quickly replies with urgency and calms me down. He is the reason I get up every morning, waiting to take on the day.  He is the reason I undo the knot or think thrice about ending it. He is my best friend, and I don’t think I’d be any happier if I didn’t have him.  For that, I am grateful. 

I like to say that I don’t suffer from depression; I experience it.  Suffering to me is where, in the end, the troubled-minded person is not better.  I’m not better nor am I “okay,” but I do see that light in the darkness that continues to be visible no matter how dark the room may be.  I enjoy life more because I have kissed the face of death.  I see other living organisms as the beautifully complex organisms they project themselves as.  I don’t just walk through the days taking advantage of what’s there or even who is there.  Days are more amazing to me.  People are funnier, prettier, happier, and all around more adorable human beings because I know we are all going to end.  I want to soak up as many experiences, laughs, and memories as I can because I won’t be here forever, but I would like my stories to be.