Life is a battlefield but none of us make it out alive. Some of us have suffered through pain and very few of us have fallen in love.

To understand my present you must know some of my past. In sixth grade, the first year of middle school for me, I was savagely attacked in a dark locker room by about 7-10 boys who much bigger and naturally, stronger than me. I spent a week and a half in the hospital recovering physically, but there were scars I couldn’t recover from in a hospital. My parents sought out the help of a psychiatrist and I was there diagnosed with chronic depression, a condition I still suffer from today.

Fast forward to eighth grade, two years later, I came very close to being sexually assaulted at by a peer, and to make matters worse the assailants tried to accuse me of sexually assault. That event came with months of pain for me and my family and I was then diagnosed with anxiety.

A year after that my father was in a coma for 3 days in the hospital, that caused me some emotional grief, trying to cope with that, supporting my family the best I could. I was then diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder related anxiety.

I was a mere 14 years old diagnosed with 3 of the worse mental illnesses possible. Everyday was a battle that I just didn’t want to fight.

Fast forward to the summer of 10th grade year, I attended week long leadership training, a week that would change my life in more ways than I would’ve expected while I was packing.

We were sitting at the table on the first day and I turned around and saw a friend, I’ve known this friend for a while but I had no ideas the impact he would have on my life. When I turned to look at him in the loud, almost dark room with people running around all over it I look him in his eyes, his deep brown eyes. At that moment my life changed, at that moment I felt free, I felt happy for the first time in a long time, I felt safe and I felt warm. I then vowed I never wanted to let that go. Everything that was wrong in my life was instantly fixed and I began to live for the first time in forever.

That week I fell in love so many times. We got closer and I learned so much about him. As soon as we departed I started to miss him, and ever since then, I realized I was in love.

Dealing with so many different things it scared me to deal with my biggest fear, falling in love. I really wanted to love him; I had a life planned out for us. I really wish I could’ve loved him like he deserved and I wish I could work harder.

Now it is senior year, 6 years after being diagnosed with depression and one year after falling in love. Every time I see him I fall in love again and now it hurts, physically & mentally. It hurts because I can’t seem to do anything about it. I can’t say those dreaded three words and I can’t even tell him this story.

I really want him to sweep me off my feet and make me love him like he knows I can. I just want to know if it’s too late, and is he too far to let me be all that he wanted and all that I wanted.