She is perfect. I never get tired of her laugh or her smile. She can always pick me up when I am down and remind me that there is always a tomorrow to look forward to. It baffles me how much she can enjoy herself so long as her friends are happy. A true paragon of a woman - no - of a human being. She has this delicate way of expressing her feelings that I can not help but find attractive about her. So why the hell have I not asked her out yet?

The best part about it all is that she is in love with me. I mean, c’mon, she had asked me to her Senior Prom when I was just a lil’ Sophomore. It became especially obvious when she told me herself, that she thinks I am one of the greatest people she has ever met, and would love to bring our relationship further. So - why the hell had I not pulled the trigger on this thing!? Well, because I was still young. I told her that I was not ready, and preferred that we stay what we were. And so best friends we remained.

Now here we are only a few months later, and the question has manifested itself into a metaphorical tumor that beats on me every moment I am with her. Will you go out with me? Or the more common What the hell is wrong with you? She is perfect! And so here I lie beside her in the snow (early December) looking up at the navy blue sky, pondering my own inhibitions. It was a beautiful night, the grass coated in snow and shrouded in a dull shadow. And then, I asked her out (it is about time!). I turned and as blatantly as possible I questioned, “Katie, would you like to go on a date? Like, actually go out with me?”. She was ecstatic, even more than I was. Perfect. No moment in my life would ever supersede the greatness of this one. Or so i thought.
The date for the most part was like any other time I would hang around with her, besides the dapper outfits and slightly tension ridden atmosphere. We ate in a cozy restaurant stark with Greek semblances and uncanny furniture, with food as equally cliche as the rest of the eatery and enough tables to feed the county even though we were the only couple there besides one other seated rather uncomfortably close to us. But none of that mattered. It is just her and I, and that is all it seemed we would ever need in this world. Our night played on with a decent meal, gallant jokes, flattering commentary, and future speculations. And I do not think it could have gotten any better - but - well - keep reading. I tipped the waiter nicely and covered the bill, and off we went, hand in hand to the car. Nothing about the date was awkward, at least not for me. There was never a moment where we would run out of things to talk about or things to compliment each other on. It is so easy and comfortable to be around her. I mean honestly, why did I wait so long? I could not let her leave with just a hug goodbye, I have a duty as her boyfriend now, don’t I? And being the dork I am, I told her I wanted to kiss her, and with a blush she proclaimed the same idea. And just like that we became each others first kiss. Partly rushed but nonetheless amazing. And I bid her adieu. That night I lie in bed unable to contain my happiness. It is truly remarkable how dopamine can profoundly affect one's body. The next day we exchanged constant texts back and forth, just to plan another date and continue our new found relationship….

So, why not even four days later am I telling her I don’t think this’ll work? How stupid of a person am I!?

I had to tell her that I still love her, and that it is most definitely not because I have stopped loving her. It’s just - she is my best friend - like a sister - and I like just going on our own shenanigans without the stress of a relationship - and everything seems so awkward now and frightening - and - and - I think I might possibly be gay.
Oh….. That’s why…..

I do not know why it took me so long to realize. Perhaps the stigmas of being a homosexual in society frightened me or I just did not want to believe I was gay. I have known for a long time that I find men attractive, but I thought maybe - maybe it was just a phase. Yet in that moment my mind was running rampant with these ideas and doubts that I just took control and told her. And I wasn't just telling her that i was gay, I was telling myself. Acceptance is always the first step, and by finally accepting who I was, I gained some new found confidence and pride. I have never felt so pure and at peace with myself. Never again would I lie and repress my thoughts and feelings, it was far too painful to do so. And Katie was super alright with that. I figured when I told her I was gay that the universe would collapse on itself and I would lose everything - but no. She has many gay friends and even “Saw it coming”. Woe is me. Even now we look back on it and joke about how wild and funny it really was. Life is not fair, or just, or necessarily fortunate, but it can still be beautiful. We can still love one another, exist for one another, and be there for one another.

I was still afraid. Even though I could finally accept what I am, would other people, my friends and family, accept me too? Would my “Guy” friends want to hang out with me still, or would they think for some profound reason I would make a move or something. Would my parents still love me, or would my brothers still mentor me. All of this was so scary, but I figured none of it mattered, so long as I was happy with myself. So I told my family, and all my friends, upfront and all personal, I didn’t hold anything back - and they responded in a most opposing manner to how I first thought. They pulled me in and surrounded me. Never before had I felt so appreciated and loved. All my friends felt that they had missed so much by not being around me that I started hanging out with those I had not seen in a while. My brothers were proud and supported me, because that is what siblings are meant to do. And my mother, even though it had surprised her, gave me more love and support than anyone else. She strived to better understand what it was like to be gay in society, in hopes that she could assist me with any possible problems.
I still find it so absurd that we have to make such a fuss over these primordial situations, but oh well, the world is ruled by didacts and fools, who can only beget one of the same. But with the right judgement, and proper understanding, we can learn. Morals is doing what is right, no matter what you are told, and this concept is what we should, as human beings, strive to follow. After all, I am who I have always been. If I could change that I would, but it is impossible to mess with such a natural paradigm, and I would rather not try.