As I walk through the halls, felling the seniority over the freshman and sophomores, a head above everyone else looking down upon the people under 6 foot 6, wearing athletic shoes and a school related t-shirt, I get the feeling that I’ve made it. A feeling of acceptance and a slight satisfaction of fitting in grows in my head. I am a junior in high school. I have been building my image ever since I started football camp, a legacy in the small town of Park Ridge, Illinois, two years ago. I’ve been constantly thinking of what I can do to fit in with the other kids better, hoping to escape the feelings of exile and embarrassment. It has been a long process, but I feel I have done a pretty good job at staying on the other side of embarrassment. My journey has not been as easy one may think, there are many variables you must take into account when trying to make new friends and start a 4 year academic career with people you have never met.

The act of 32 blue graduation hats signifies the graduation of my 8th grade year at Onahan Elementary School. Pictures with fellow students and hugs with family members soon follow. Everyone is dressed nicely for the celebration. After what seems to be a countless number of pictures and hugs with teachers and peers I am sent home to quickly change and get ready for my first day of summer football camp at what would soon to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. On the same day as my graduation from the CPS program, I go to the start of my suburban school career.

That same year my brother, sister, and I were told that our mom and dad were getting divorced and we had to move out of our house that we have lived in for 12 years. It was a good house, 2 stories with a nice basement, located on a quiet street in the city of Chicago. I did not want to move. Eventually the idea grew on me and I was able to cope with the fact that my mother and father would live in different houses only 10 minutes from one another. My mom made the decision to move to the city of Park Ridge so my siblings and I would have the opportunity to attend the education provided by Park Ridge rather than attend 4 more years of CPS schooling. This was good news for my brother and sister, just entering 6th grade, who could attend the local middle school where they would just be another 2 new students trying to make friends for high school. Me? Well, I would be a transfer, going into a high school with more than 2,500 people who’ve known each other since 2nd grade; none of which I knew.

Despite the unfortunate reality, I had to make it work. The day of my 8th grade graduation was the first day of freshman football and basketball camp. After the ceremony was over I went home, changed, and rode my bike to my new school. The air was filled with the smell of hot freshly pourn tar, as they had just recoated the roof of the field house. That smell would stay lingering the whole length of the summer.

I was always good at sports. Basketball was my main focus. I made some friends during the course of the camp. They all wanted to know me because I was taller and could play some pretty good ball. I ended up meeting a couple people who were also going to attend the football camp right after basketball was finished. When the coaches let us go, the group of kids who were going to the football camp, of which I was included, went wandering around trying to find the rest of the campers. I felt thankful I had them going into the camp so I was not completely alone. As the summer camps continued on, I managed to make more friends. I did not make a lot, as some kids already had their group of friends and didn't want to make friends with the new kid whose name nobody knew. I should be thankful for my athleticism and love of sports, because without having done these summer camps, I would have gone into my first day not knowing one person and things could have gone a lot worse.

After the camps were over school started to pick up. My first day was one that went better than I had previously thought. I was seeing people in the halls I knew from camp, saying hi as we passed, I didn’t feel the embarrassment of a complete stranger. When I got to my classes often times I would not know anyone in there but later that class period we would do some sort of activity that would help me make new friends. Some students didn’t take those activities seriously, but as for me, I had to. Walking through the halls as a freshman and as a junior now are two very different complections.

As a freshman I would always feel insecure, I was smaller than some of the other kids, I had long hair that I wore swooped to the side, acne which I was very self conscious about, and a mean look on my face that I used in hope of no one seeing how scared I actually was. I remember seeing the style of clothes the other kids wore, the kinds of shoes, the way they wore their headphones, and I used it. I observed how to fit in. I know people always tell you to be yourself and let people accept you, but when you are the 1 in 2500 people who looks different, it gets hard to stay your self. Thankfully I was able to maintain my own individuality and didn't change much. I decided to just change my look a little. I started to work out more so I wouldn't look awkwardly skinny, I got some new shoes that I myself liked, and I bought a few high school t-shirts hoping that people would see that I was just a student like them and we could become friends.

I’ll never forget the the embarrassment of my first day of lunch. I knew everyone used a brown bag for a lunch bag, thankfully I wasn't the guy who still had a big bulky lunchbox that I would have had to carry around. So I walk into the school’s cafeteria. After walking into the mass chaos of hundreds of kids talking and laughing, I start to look for a place to sit. My eyes scanned over the lunchroom to find many people looking at me, the only one standing in the front of the lunchroom trying to find some friends. My face was red from embarrassment but I finally felt some relief when I saw one of my football friends. He was the only one I knew sitting at a table with a bunch of other people I did not know. I figured it would be better than sitting alone. I start to walk over slowly. Thinking of what to say when I get there. As I approach the table I attract many eyes. All the guys who I didn't know look at me and I know they are thinking ‘what does this guy want.’ As I get to the table I take an open spot on the end of the table across from my friend and he introduces me to the other guys at the table. It was still a little awkward through the 20 minute lunch period but I was better than having to sit alone.

There were many other moments of embarrassment for me. Whenever we were in class the teacher would tell us to partner up. Immediately everybody ran over to their friend and sat down together. I would always be the last one standing looking for anyone who didn't have a partner either. On multiple occasions I was the odd one out. The teacher then auction me off to a group who would then become a group of three. That was never a comfortable situation.

Now, as a junior I can walk through the halls with my head up, shoulders back, a friendly smile on my face, with some friends to talk to. Embarrassment is still a factor though. It is never out of situations. I will always have that feeling of embarrassment, that feeling of not fitting in. It was nice to have some friends going into highschool, but it was still nothing compared to the kids who had known each other for their whole lives. Despite this I think I have done a fairly decent job. I have friends I hang out with on the weekends, people who I sit and talk with at lunch. I've even done a good job of making friends out of school; again, due to my athleticism.

The embarrassment I had to endure, going into a school where I didn't know anyone at all, was not pleasant. It resulted in many hours of thinking how can I be more like the other kids. We are taught to stay ourselves no matter what. I believe I did a good job, I made sure not to become involved with any drugs or alcohol and make friends who didn't either. There are thousands of kids who were in the same situation as me, most of them are on a worse path than I am now. When I see someone walking alone or looking for a place to sit at lunch I feel their embarrassment and I try to help. I become their friends and do my part to end some of the same embarrassment I felt when I was in their situation.