I’m going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says November. I want to get it in white ink so that it looks like a scar. So many times I’ve held a knife in my hand and debated just carving it into my flesh. So many times the edge of the knife was too sharp and I lost my nerve before I could finish the job. There’s not a single scar on my wrists.

I had a friend who wore a shirt that said “She writes love on her arms” she used to cut herself with the razor she used to shave her legs, and the safety pins that littered her wardrobe. She never cried while she did it, she just bled into the sink and stared as whatever she was letting out was washed down the drain. Sometimes I would hold wet rags over the cuts so they would stop bleeding. Sometimes she would re-open them after I left. I still don’t have a single scar on my wrists.

My favorite kind of people are the ones who punch holes in walls when they get angry. I like to hold their hands and examine the scars on their knuckles. I wish I had the courage to slam my fist into things. I always get half way there and then stop because my mind won’t let me hurt myself even when I want to. I wish I could destroy things like they can. I wish I could let things go the way they do. Sadly, I don’t have a single scar on my wrists.

I heard a saying once that suicidal people are just angels that want to go home. I hope that whoever said that first lets it lull them to sleep at night. As someone who has dealt with suicidal people far too much I can say that romanticizing it doesn’t change the outcome. No wise words are going to heal a bullet wound or stop bleeding. I’m just grateful that there’s not a single scar on my wrists.

I always leave my phone on at night. It drives my mother crazy but I always need to know if something goes wrong. I don’t mind receiving a call at 2am just to talk. I don’t mind staying up to see the sun just so I know that someone besides me made it through the night. I know about pain and struggle and agony and loss, but there’s not a single scar on my wrists.