You meet her. You stare into her big, round eyes. You find she’s pretty; beautiful in fact. And she has a nice smile, better yet, she’s fun to talk to, fun to be with. She laughs at your jokes, the dry jokes you have only been teased about in the past. She is… different and so… it begins. The texting, the fluttering in your stomach, the phone calls, the sleepless nights, the invasive thoughts. And the best part: this is only the beginning.

The truth is, Love isn’t any of those things. Love isn’t the feeling you get when you’re with her, the thoughts you have of her or the visions of the future you stayed up all night making with her. The next date, the trip alone, marriage, naming your first born Frankie Jr…. none of that, is Love. They are products of Love rather than reactants. The comforting warmth that you feel, and the ever-present feelings of longing all result from Love, rather than Love being the result of them. You can have those feelings and thoughts about anyone as long as you love her enough.

This misunderstanding is the result of Love being a feeling. The problem is that feelings are erratic and irrational; they dictate our actions and hardly ever do we completely understand them. It does not help that the media has been vigorously promoting their concept of love, one that has led us to preconceive notions of the perfect significant other, notions that you will use as a blueprint to construct an image of her. She’s perfect, you tell yourself, she’s “the one,” which causes you to become slightly obsessed with her; everything new that you learn about her fits so perfectly into your image, and the more you learn the deeper you are rooted into this fantasy. That… is not love. It is something that is completely dependent and conditional. You are experiencing your thoughts rather than connecting with her and discovering who she truly is. Eventually, you will face moments of disappointment and anger when she fails to fit your perfect image.

Love is not demanding and it does not try to change. There is no coping and there is no putting up with their s*** – only acceptance. She may be annoying at times or a bit uncertain or even completely irrational at times, but that is who she is and that is whom you love. In a relationship, there are no sacrifices. All those times you stayed over later than you should have, that time you trekked over at three in the morning, that time you showed up with flowers and no one was home, those sleepless nights on the phone, those sleepless nights making cards–– they were not sacrifices, but selflessness. It is through these selfless acts that you realize that you enjoy it. You enjoy doing things for her and seeing her beautiful smile. These acts become a selfless joy.

Love does not hurt you. You hurt you. Love is not the reason for your tears of despair. Love is not the reason for the complex feeling of anguish you have, the one that often, at times, cannot be explained. All this suffering is optional and dependent upon your perception. Let’s say it’s been 35 minutes since she has last texted you. She hasn’t called either. Is something wrong? Is she hurt? No, she’s upset. Where is she? All this unwanted skepticism just seems to manifest… and. It. Hurts. But it does not have to, and it is entirely up to you whether or not you want to be plagued by insecurities and doubts accentuated by unhealthy overthinking. She is not doing anything wrong. It is you that is doing something wrong. You’re the one that is keeping yourself up at night. Stop it.

Love is not an illusion. It does not demand nor does it hurt. It is a perpetual journey of discovery. It is something people spend their entire lives trying to find. There are many imposters, but once you finally find it, there will not be any disappointment or hurt. The one thing that we can wholeheartedly invest everything into and it will never fail you. Never. It will be there during confusion, embarrassment, your darkest times, your happiest hours. It is what shields us from pain, envy, and loneliness. It is not an illusion.

And yet knowing alll this, still, when you first meet her and stare into her big, round eyes, and realize she has a nice smile, and that she’s fun to talk to, to be with. She laughs at your jokes – the jokes you have only been teased for in the past. She’s funny. She’s beautiful. She is— different. She really is. Don’t ruin it.