March 19, 2014

My Dearest Casualty,


I promised you that I’d never let go, and here I am, finally releasing my desperate cling. I’m sorry for all of the trouble I’ve caused; without me, you wouldn’t even be where you are. But I beg you to stay where you are, holding onto me as I let you go, waiting for the water to bring you down. Please don’t let it bring you down. If now’s the time to be completely frank, the only reason I held on so tightly was to preserve the wonderful life in front of me. That life means more to me than you and I could ever fathom. That life carries a great, brilliant mind worth expanding across the seven seas, and I wish neither to own nor take credit for it. I wished to stand by you as that mind of yours expanded. I wished to be there, behind you to watch a blessing unfold. I wished to stand in front of you to protect the blessing behind me; you wished for me to¬--
You did not wish for me.

Float on, my casual friend. Do not let the current take you so far from the places you know. Float in place, if that is at all possible. I know the current is strong, but my casualty, you are stronger. If I could hold onto you forever, do not hesitate to think I would. I would hold onto you for as long as the sky is blue, and the sun is shining if I could, but what’s the point of trying to save a life that does not want to live with you in it? Keep in mind that I’ll let you go to honor your wishes, not mine. I may say the choice was mine, and I may even believe that at times, but trust me, I love you too much to voluntarily let you go. You are the diamond I found in dung; the gem that fuels my engine. You were the rarity that turned my world as I knew it (for fourteen years too many), into a place of complete comfort and overwhelming anxiety.

You did that to me within the first minute I saw you. I’m sure you didn't notice me that day, but I was certainly intrigued by your humble confidence from across the room. However, even that person, the one I saw on the first day of this saga, is dead. You, the soul I hold on to, are the only one of you I have left to cherish; even so, you were never mine to cherish. Basically, I cling onto nothing but an empty vessel; what was once inside of it no longer resides there, but the memories live on. When I look into that vessel, I can see the memories as clear as day, and even though they are no longer a reality, it gives me hope that one day they’ll return home.

Return home when I let you go. Please do not let that current take you out too far. Do not let it take you down. I promised your soul from the day I first laid eyes on you that I would always hold you. I can’t hold you anymore until you want to be held. Please float on, my dearest casualty. I love you too much to let go eternally. I hope you see that my grasp kept you together and protected you from a world that wants to rip you a part.

Casually,
Yours.