The front of a room always seems to haunt me and makes my vocal chords run dry. The word “present” or any of its similar forms sends shivers down my spine. I never understood how people were so content with giving presentations in class and always ended up doing well, while I tremble and stumble over my every word. Honestly, it doesn’t even have to be at the front of the room. But sharing or any form of public speaking, period, forms a hollow feeling in my chest just because of the thought that I might do something wrong.

I believe in a trembling body.
I believe in a shaky voice.
I believe in cold and clammy palms.
I believe in stuttering and a dry throat.
I believe in fear.

I remember the first time I ever experienced these feelings, it was my fourth grade spelling bee and despite me being an immaculate speller, my whole body shook as it became my turn once again. Every single time the rotation would come back to me, my bones pulsated with the fright of having to speak with all eyes and ears on me. The number of students standing dwindled down leaving me to continue to keep my line of sight on my feet and wring my hands in horror until it became my turn once again. I won in the end, causing me to have to advance to the school spelling bee which was to be on a stage in front of some of the most superior adults of my elementary school. My anxiety of having to speak on a stage overpowered the happiness I was supposed to be feeling from winning, and I truly contemplated whether or not to even participate. Even if I didn’t really have a choice, the fear was still prominent.

When the school-wide spelling bee arrived, each turn I took, left me with the fluorescent lights of the stage to shine down on me with each shaky breath. The heat sent beads of sweat rolling down my face as I audibly gulped before spelling each word. Slowly but surely, I ended up winning the school spelling bee as well. I think that getting up in front of people, having attention on me or having to do any type of public speaking still has the same effect on me and I believe it always will. But I have come to cope with it. Because as time progressed, I realized that the presentations and opportunities for public speaking weren’t ever going to stop so I was left with no choice for myself. I had this sudden realization as I stepped off the stage that day out of the blinding lights. I wiped the sweat off my brow and breathed a sigh of content as I made my way away from the stage I was loathing minutes before. And for the first time since I stepped foot on that platform, I smiled.
I believe in dealing with fear.