My name is [name removed]. Many of my friends know me as a dorky goofball who tends to be rude and sarcastic, but has a sweet side. On any given day during the summer when I’m not doing anything, I might be seen at Barnes and Noble checking out the manga. Writing has never been my favorite thing and as you read this essay, this might become more and more apparent. My life is pretty monotonous and very few exciting or new things ever happen to me. The truth is, I have been struggling with depression like many other teens. However, I don’t really have anybody I can talk to about it. I wish I could tell more people about how I feel but unfortunately I’m afraid everybody would think that I just want attention. This whole thing seems pretty stereotypical, doesn't it?

I've never had much of a social life outside of school. Most people would think that I was too busy with wrestling or theater or soccer. That’s not the case. The truth is, the only reason that I did wrestling, soccer, and theater was because I didn't have a social life so I had to do something to fill the time. I had friends at each of these activities but I've never hung out with any of them in my free time.

I don’t like to hang out with people after school. I usually say that it’s because I go to school out in San Francisco but I live an hour away and have to get there by train, so if I stay late I might not get a seat or get my homework done. The truth is, I’m scared to hang out with people. I’m afraid that I might say something stupid or do something inappropriate and people will judge me for it. So, I avoid people and I go home and just chill with my brother.

I haven’t had my first kiss yet. I’m not the ugliest guy around and I know I would be a good boyfriend. Still, being a good person won’t get you any closer to having a girlfriend. You have to have the courage to talk to them, and I have no guts. This might be due to the fact that the one time I tried to tell a girl I liked her, she flat out rejected me. Ever since then, my confidence has been in the dumps. Yet if you saw me, I would be bragging about how many push-ups I can do or some stupid crap so you would think that I’m fine. I can only brag about being able to do a lot of push-ups because I’ve spent a lot of time working out. Trust me, when you are finished with your homework and you don’t have anything to do, working out is a really good way to pass the time. Maybe I thought that if I had a good body, people would notice me. I’m just now realizing that you don’t have to have the body of a Calvin Klein model for people to like you.

One of my best friends (let’s call him Alex. That’s not his name but I wouldn't want to violate his privacy) has had 2 girlfriends since the start of the school year. That’s two more than I've had my entire life and he knows that. I've liked this girl (Let’s call her Julia. Again, privacy is very important here) since October. It is currently February. I've had a crush on her for about 4 months. He’s known that I’ve liked her for about 3 months. Now, he’s going to ask her to the Valentine’s dance. He had the courtesy to ask me if it was OK to ask her and I said it was. The truth is, it absolutely isn't OK and I’m not comfortable with him asking her out. Especially since this is the one girl I like and I know for a fact he has a pretty good chance with plenty of other girls. I can’t blame him though, there are plenty of guys who would ask out Julia, myself included if I had the guts. Still, it’s pretty selfish of him to go for the one girl I want.

You’re probably wondering why I said it was OK. There are a lot of jerks at my school. Julia is a smart, kind, beautiful girl and plenty of people would ask her out. I don’t want some douche to pretend to be nice to her to get the in that Alex has. I know Alex and I know for a fact he would treat her with respect, care, and would make her realize just how special she really is. I just want her to be happy, and I know Alex can make that happen.

As for me, I’m just going to be alone again on Valentine’s Day. I’m the kind of person that “Adam’s Song” by Blink-182 and “Creep”, by Radiohead are written about. You might see a movie about a dork or a loser like me who does something incredible and gets the girl of his dreams. In reality, people like me don’t win. We may not finish last per se, but there’s no way in Hell we’ll ever finish first. I’m not suicidal or anything, but that’s only because I don’t think my death would change anything. People at school would be sad for a month or two and there might be some sort of a ceremony. After a while though, my name will be forgotten by everyone except my best friends and my family.

At school, even though I tend to be rude, if you confront me about how I treat you I will apologize and say that I’m just teasing you. I really don’t hate anybody and I don’t like to make enemies. At the same time, I don’t care about very many people. There are a lot of people in my life that could die and the most they would get from me would be a moment of silence and a conversation with a few friends about how sad there death is. I cry over the death of very few people in my life.

In a way, I’m just indifferent toward everything. Maybe that’s the reason I’m so depressed. Maybe it’s because I don’t love anything or anyone that could give me happiness by simply existing. I would like to talk to someone about the way I’ve been feeling, but there isn’t anybody who I feel comfortable talking to about this.

Well, now you know what I’m really like. I hope that whoever is reading this doesn’t hate me, but I’m such an a**hole I wouldn’t be surprised if you already did. Please, please, please talk to somebody who’s depressed if they aren’t trying to get help. Maybe you can save them from the downwards spiral that has sent me into this horrific depression. Chances are, they are too unsure of themselves to get help and I don’t want anybody to suffer like I have. And if you are depressed, talk to someone. Get help before you end up being the teen on the news who is quickly forgotten.