First love is always the best; you know it instantly that this is it!! The air smell nice, the sun looks bright and nights become warmer. You enjoy everything, you look forward to life. I consider myself lucky to have experienced something like it.

After wasting a year of my high school being in a stream which I did not like, I moved on to a different school of my choice of stream. I had a lot of pressure to shine and prove my family that I won’t waste another year. I focused hard and studied day and night and took each of my class seriously and in a month I was a topper in the class. Life became better being a topper, I looked forward to school every day went back home and did my homework diligently, people started noticing me in the class and in no time I was popular. Then I met this guy who was totally weird but kind of cute, he was little chubby but more on a fitter side with slight curly hair and amazing big brown eyes and beautiful lips with a handsome smile. I did not notice this all when we first met; not until more than a year of knowing him....

We both shared similar interests, and we would go on and on about things. He was from a good school and was bright and intelligent, but for some reason he never used his full potential may be he was just being a tough guy which he liked to call himself. He always turned to me for any help with studies or borrowing notes, I was a teacher’s pet and he always teased me about it. I hated that he teased me; we liked each other liked spending time and talking about our usual geeky things. I never realized how an entire year passed, it was a great year. We studied, we worked hard, we enjoyed and then finally the vacation came.

I was very happy and was looking forward to the vacation, as my exams were superb. But there was pressure at my home, we had financial needs and I had to go out and work part time in a computer shop. Still it was cool and I enjoyed my vacation anyway, Results came and I passed with a good percentage so did he. Neither of us had mobile phones and I did not have a land line at my home, when I spoke to him through Pay phones I realized how much I missed him, I never wanted him to hang-up and so was he hoping he was desperate too, I had limited coins and he could not call me. We both looked forward for high school to reopen so that we can meet every day, I did go to his home once or twice during vacation and so did he. Finally the longest vacation of my life ended and we were the only two to attend school that day as almost everyone bunked as it was first day. I remember we spoke so much that day and I felt thankful that other friends did not come.

Every morning when I wake up I will have a smile and I feel all excited, the fact of changing two buses and going to school stopped bothering me. I loved to see him in the morning all freshly dressed up with his hair all combed and his shirt neatly tucked with a shiny face and his wet lips and that wonderful smile on his face. He smelled different and nice, I still remember the smell and I would just smell him without him noticing. We always sat next to each other, one day he smelled my hair and told me that he loves it and asked me which shampoo I use, I would make sure I put extra shampoo every day and go so that he smells it. We would hold hands during the class and he would feel jealous if I laugh too much on others jokes which was absolutely adorable and he would try his best to make me laugh which he was horrible at, but still I loved it more and more. Days passed and with each passing day we became more and more close, we would discuss our personal family problems and he would support me in every situation and tell me I am right every time and I loved to hear him and also I would advise him to have control over his anger. He always listened to me and soon everyone came to know that he and I are close, he will always side with me and defend me in every small or big thing. Sometimes he gets in to argument with our teachers over my issues with the way paper was graded. Life was absolutely perfect I was doing extremely well in studies I had a great guy and we were so in to each other and we always turned to each other in every situation. I lost the count of time, days, months when I was with him and in no time the year ended and exam time came. I helped him through his studies and we wrote exams pretty well and now were the challenge ahead of us. High school was over we weren't going to return next year so where does this leave us?

I was clear what I was going to do, find myself a job to support my family as the vacation between high school and college is pretty big. So I decided to find myself a job for 4-5 months, where I went he came along and we both went for interviews together. Our results came and I topped our batch and he did pretty well with his results too. Now that we had our results in our hands we decided to hunt seriously, my mother one day found an ad in the paper of a part time job a 4 hour shift throughout the week and paid well that too in a well-known company, I was not positive we would crack the job but we tried. We cracked the initial rounds and were called for the final round in the company. We both sat next to each other still amazed with how big the office is and we both joked we were never going to work here. Final round happened where in all 20 of us had to debate over a topic, it was a blood bath and we both couldn’t open our mouth while everyone went on and on. One of the recruiter pointed towards me and asked me my views which I gave, I spoke about two sentences. Then they left the room and came back and announced that whomever names they are going to call they must leave the room. They called out the names one by one and we were all packed already then something happened, they called out his name but not mine and I stayed back in the room and he left. We did not have phones and all he said that he will wait for me down stairs; I was inside the whole evening until I got my appointment letter. He was waiting downstairs and I was in such confusion as to how to express my emotions. I was undeniably over the moon as I have cracked myself a job in such a company that too at the age of 18. But felt sad as he did not get in, first thing I told him, I am not going for this job lets hunt further. He told me I lost my mind and he wanted me to take the offer and I felt even sadder to put this on him to convince me to take the offer after him not getting it. I did not want to put him through this and told him I will take it and told him that in the mean time we will hunt other jobs together.

After hunting for a month we never found anything. Eventually I had to join in the company as my joining date approached, it killed me first day to travel to the company alone without him by my side. At least I was glad that my mom bought me a phone and he had his sister’s phone so that we spoke and stayed in constant touch. A month passed and we had to send out applications for college, we both decided to apply for the same college. I found a great college and we both applied and were sure we will get in, I was going to work every day and he started working at a clothing store. We would constantly stay connected through SMS, telling each other everything about our jobs. His store was on my way from office so I make sure to get down and meet him and go. Days passed and the colleges put up their lists of the shortlisted candidates, I came in the first list and we checked his name and it was not there. My heart sunk and I cursed the college and told myself that I am not going in a college which he is not. It was too late to apply in other colleges; it was my mistake that I chose such a college knowing the fact that we had a great gap between our percentages. So he had to settle for a below than average college and I followed him straight in to the college without thinking for a second. Then my mum intervened, I lied to her and told her that I did not get shortlisted. She took me to college and checked herself and admitted me the same day in to the college. I was devastated first the job and now the college, time we spent last two years was never going to come. I thought to myself why is this happening to us? Why God is doing this, why is he separating us? I was clueless and frustrated but this only made us closer.

We got busier with our jobs, having completed the first month in our respective jobs; we both were busier now and as the respective admissions were closed we were few weeks away from our first day of college. I missed him all the more knowing the fact that we will never be together as we were before, I made sure I met him during the weekends and on my way from office whenever I could. By this time I realized that I am in love with this guy and was pretty sure that he was too. We started chatting long hours and would talk on phones all the more, whenever we meet he would touch me intimately and I could see that desperation in him , his urge to touch me and bring me closer to him. Sometimes he would just lie in my lap while I sit on sofa and I would brush his hair and we stair endlessly in each other’s eyes without speaking a single word and smiling. There were moments when he came so close to me only inches away, his tempting wet lips will make me go mad inside but I never made a move, always wanted him to make a move which he never did. So this is how it was going on and I was pretty happy and was not worried what separate jobs and college would do to us. It was the feeling, I was in love, I smiled more, sang more, danced for no reason and enjoyed slow music while in bed closing my eyes and thinking about him. There was a nice smell in the air, a chill in the air which make me want to cover myself deep in the sheets while texting him and listening to the loveliest song and thinking about him. This was the ultimate feeling which I felt, it was so pure free of all the confusions and contradictions. I told myself so this is how love feels like; I was ridiculously happy and felt every part of this experience and at the end of the day when I heard him saying that he misses me even though we were texting all the time that made me fly. The weekend before the first day of college arrived and I was little nervous about it and wanted to spend a nice weekend with him, so I planned nice lunch and some movies to watch at home. I invited him over and he came and I was so excited for the day we were about to spend. He came half hour earlier than I was expecting him, he wore a black shirt and a dark navy blue cargo, it complimented his complexion and I was in my usual house clothes and looked like a mess. He gave me a huge usual smile and we started talking and then an uninvited friend showed up and decided to just stick around ruining half a day, He felt annoyed with my friends presence and told me to shoo him off. Finally after a while he left and we were alone, we sat on the table and he sat next to me and we both held each other hands and he came very closer to me and rubbed his cheek to my cheek. Goose bumps ran all over my body and my heart started pounding I was wondering whether he could hear my heart pounding. I thought of saying something but he interrupted me by laying me on the table and lied on top of me, I smelled his hair and the smell of his body, though I was confused I loved his smell and his warmth. He kissed me on neck and I was going crazy and then he tried to kiss my lips but I teased by rocking my head left and right, he was muscular and he held me straight and finally kissed me. It felt like a life time after which he kissed me, he breathed inside me and I was in heaven. He kissed me gently and I let myself completely go and then he entered his tongue and I felt his tongue for the first time it was so cool and I felt I was drinking chilled water, I had my hand on his head pulling his hair and forcing his head more towards me. I did not want him to stop I just wanted to be like this for a long time and never wanted him to move away his lips from mine. He started to become a little aggressive, I was not aware what was happening I let him do that he finally detached his lips and I never wanted to but he detached I breathed the air but I did not like the air I just wanted to breathe through him. He kissed my neck and started moaning and breathing heavily, I was too young to understand what happened but he was relieved. I was lying on the table and he got up and sat on the chair, I set my hair and got up still a little shaken up with the events. Shaken but happy my mind had millions of thoughts running, I felt alive and finally experienced the next level of love [Now that we have come this far I would like to confess something, I know you might have figured it out by now but yes I am a guy and I am in love with this insanely handsome guy] I sat on the table and he on the chair, he was smiling and I was not. I asked him are you Gay? He said No! Then I asked what was all this? He said I was his crush and he wanted to kiss me and he did. I was beginning to fear now, to make sure I asked him why you did this. He replied he was attracted to me and had a crush on me so he wanted to see how it feels to be intimate with me. Now that I have kissed you my crush is over. I did not believe what I was hearing, I just told myself No this can’t be true and was telling myself he loves me to. But I did not tell him as it would look weird, plus I was hard and was not relieved and my focus was more on relieving myself than addressing the situation. He got up and told me that he will leave as it’s late; I started to panicked and noticed a different side in him which I never saw before. I told him to stay a while, he insisted he has to go but I told him I want to kiss you again. He said that he just wanted to try and he did and it’s over now. I did not understand at all. Was I just an experience for him? Did he not feel what I felt? I was replaying the event and was comparing my thoughts half hour ago and now I felt shattered and pathetic, but the fact is he was also emotionally attached it’s just that he felt that way as he relieved himself and I did not. I hugged him and started kissing his neck, he understood that as I was not relieved hence the feelings. He started kissing me and moved his hand in the bottom and started squeezing, he was more aggressive this time and kept telling in between this is the last time and I lied on top of him and finally relieved myself. He offered me water to drink and before I could come back to senses he was gone.

It was dark all of a sudden and there was a sudden gloom, I felt scared and felt as though the world is coming to an end. I went inside my room and did not understand why I was crying, I couldn’t stop myself the tears were rolling down, I kept wiping them but still they won’t stop. I was wondering what happened why am I feeling like this, I fell asleep and dreamt about him. Back in time his shiny face and his gorgeous smile and his smell, I felt at peace immediately and was over the moon and then we kissed and lay there in each other arms and I slept in his arms. Then I woke up in my dark room and realized I was dreaming and I felt the worst feeling, I tried going back to sleep so that I can dream again but I was too anxious. Again my eyes started becoming teary I gathered the courage got out of the bed and went out to make a call. I called him through a pay phone, called on his sister’s cell only to be told he is in the playground. I called on one of his friend’s phone; first he refused to come but later upon insisting he came. I felt the rage seeing his behavior and wanted to bang the phone but I wanted to give him my piece of my mind. He spoke to me casually may be he always spoke like that but at that moment I felt like I am talking to a stranger, I tried to keep it normal and asked him did he reached home and what is he doing? And he was in a hurry to keep the phone and get back on the field. I wanted to talk to him about what happened; somehow I was unable to take it easy I wanted to talk about it and just wanted the old days back. But I was coming out as needy might have also sounded pathetic, only way to keep him on phone was to get angry I guess. I told him what you will just take it so easy? That’s all I was for you? I kept on throwing questions on him but he was scared now I guess. He was not expecting such reaction may be, he kept saying that you wanted it too and I wanted it too so it was it. I don’t know why I was angry? Of course I did not want to marry him or spend the rest of my life with him at that point but I just wanted to be respected. But we were too young to understand what we were going through, conversation never ended and my coins ended and the phone disconnected. I took a long walk to home and spent the gloomiest night of my life.

I thought things will get better and will be back to normal sooner or later, but what I did not know then what I do now is they never went back to normal, not to this day. I remember going to the first day of college and met him after including other friends, he acted strangely and maintained distance. I was not going to be the victim of this, so I started to maintain my distance too. But it was too hard for me to do it; I never understood how it was so easy for him? This started effecting my job and also studies I became a pessimist and I started blaming everything on him. I was being silly and should have kept it together but I just couldn’t, I cannot share this with any one neither wanted to believe the things have ended. I yelled at him, fought with him, cried in front of him and at the end of the day turned to him for comfort. I literally forced myself on him, was being too emotional, too vulnerable, and too jealous. I forgot how it was to sit at one place doing nothing and just relaxing; thoughts constantly ran wildly in my mind. From the time I wake up in the morning till the time I slept, sometimes even in my sleep I would constantly think about him, I would just force myself to cry just to feel better and lite but it never helped. I changed, I chose to change I could have acted with patience but I let myself dwell in it. Blaming everything on him, he moved on started dating girls and it killed me. I was unable to move on but still tried to act normal when he went on and on about his girlfriends, he spoke little extra in front of me about his girlfriend’s just to keep me away from him. I did not know why he treated me this way; I was never looking for a physical relation with him. All I ever wanted was my cute friend back who would like me, respect me and miss me. That’s all I wanted but he misunderstood me for having more….

There were so many nights when I just stayed up thinking about him, crying and finding ways to just talk to him for some time. But he won’t return my messages or calls. I felt lonelier; there are so many instances when I tried to throw a tantrum just so that he speaks to me. Nothing worked and I was turning in to a very negative person, I forgot my past and was not looking forward for my future. I was stuck at one point unable to move further, I did not let myself move on and live normal cause I knew moving on means leaving him which I did not want to but that was the only option left ahead of me. I was wasting the best years of my life after something which would never work out, I was after a person who was not in love with me neither attracted to me. I was just a crush and that crush was long over. I fell in love with him, I was attracted to him, it was not his fault for the situation I was in; he abandoned me as a friend yes, that was his mistake but I was not his responsibility the way I was forcing myself on him. After months and almost 2 years I got out of it, understood why it happened. What was his purpose in my life and when I think of it I feel lucky to have had such an experience.


I learned what love is! For me love was friendship, care, attention, availability and comfort irrespective of the gender, religion, color or class. Not even once I asked myself whether I am gay or straight all I knew was I am in love, I was least bothered to title my sexuality I did not put any labels on our relationship or our sexuality. For me it was simple and innocent love free of any worldly biases, I learned how to love and understood what love is. I hear people singing their hearts out that they found their true love but how did they actually find it? A girl or a guy from a specific religion or a specific community with specific traits and specific looks after having found such a guy or girl they sing songs about true love. I am not judging them but that isn’t love when you are filtering people to fall in love. Love just happens irrespective of Gender, color, religion or class it just happens. When I figured this all out I felt happy of having experienced something like this, he was a child who I fell in love with. He was too bothered that he would be labeled as a homosexual and avoided me, but I happened to witness his thoughts about me which were utterly graphic and clearly reflected what his sexual interests are, again I am not judging all I felt at that moment If you like something be open about it and face whatever comes through and the end result will be beyond good. I had to move on and leave him alone as he did not want what I wanted so I moved on and after 2 years of agony I finally came out of it and found a girl and she gave me all the happiness and respect which I starved for all this time….