Why did I numb my brain? Why did I think it was so fun and entertaining to get so messed up to the point where I couldn't control myself? Why in the world did I put myself in the position to be harmed? I still don’t have a solid answer to this question. I wasn’t drinking to impress anyone, I wasn’t drinking away depression or sadness, and I wasn’t even drinking something because it tasted good. I think I was just drinking to unwind, how completely thoughtless. I put my life in some stranger’s hands because…
I have no explanation and I never will.

It was a sunny day on fall break in Panama City Beach; I was on vacation with my best friend Hana and her parents. The second day of our five day beach trip we spent walking up and down the condo lined beach strip. She and I just were just talking and looking out onto the endless sea line when we heard someone calling out to us. We look over and it is a stereotypical beach dude at the gazebo that sells you banana boat rides and Jet Ski rides with shoulder length blonde hair half pulled back, tanned skin, and blue eyes. Hana and I look at the beach boy and then at each other. Both a little skeptical at first, we quickly convince each other that we should go talk to him. With our music playing, sunglasses perched on our noses, and bikinis exposing our skin we walk right up to him. Hana and I introduce ourselves in a flirtatious way, and he, with the same playful expression, tells us his name is Chandler. Thirty minutes go by before his boss starts approaching the gazebo, and we start to leave. In this time span, he learns we are seventeen; we learn he is twenty one. It was mostly just a friendly conversation with the exception of Chandler telling Hana and me that we were the most attractive girls he had seen on the beach that week. As a whole, the conversation was just a friendly, flirtatious one. Before his boss reached the gazebo, he gave me his number and said to call him later to hang out. I jokingly labeled him in my phone as ‘Chan man’, and said to him looking over my shoulder as we walked away, “If you’re lucky!”

Later that night, Hana and I decided to dress up really cute and go get a bite to eat. I put on a crop top, slouchy army green and cotton pants, five inch wedges, and oversized black aviators. Hana, looking equally cute, suggested we go to Pier Park, one of the main attractions in Panama City. We spent a couple hours there. We shopped. We ate. We people watched. We even met some nice boys from Kentucky. But, by nine we were ready to really have a good night. While her parents were still at Pier Park, we walked back to our condo, and told the Kentucky boys to meet us on the beach in thirty minutes.

As soon as we walked in our room, we went straight to the fridge, emptied one of the water bottles her mom had bought for the week and filled it one fourth of the way up with vodka and the rest with warm Dr.Pepper. Her parents got back to the condo before we left so we quickly scooted by them and told them we were going to walk on the beach. The guys from Kentucky meet us on the beach and gave us each a beer. I quickly finished mine and then chased our disgusting vodka mixed drink with Hana’s beer. Hana was sporadically taking sips, while I was taking large swigs. With the water bottle half way gone and one and a half beers tossed in the sand the Kentucky boys had to leave because they had a mile walk back to their condo.

With our heads buzzing and our cute outfits still on, Hana and I were most definitely not ready to end our night at ten, so I got my phone, looked up “Chan man” and pressed the call button. He showed up ten minutes after I asked if we wanted to come hang out with us on the beach. With a beer in his hand, he nonchalantly plopped down on the beach chair I was sitting on. All three of us started talking and laughing with music from Hana’s phone playing. I finished off the rest of the warm brown concoction and chucked it over my shoulder.
The next morning my mind was completely blank. I was laying on a cot next to the pull out bed Hana and I were sharing. I tried to piece together the events that occurred after I finished the bottle, but there was absolutely no point. No memories existed in my brain beyond that. Thankfully, her mom walked in a couple minutes after I woke up and explained to me that she had to call my parents and that they were on the way to come get me. I could sense that she felt so bad that she had to call my mom, but I had no clue what she was talking about. My eyes filled with tears and all I could manage to get out was, “what did I do”.

This was not my first time getting in trouble for drinking. My parents didn’t want me to drink at all in high school. I of course thought this was completely unreasonable and just plain stupid. This time around however, it was far more severe than just getting drunk. They always cautioned me about how easy it is to get caught up in a dangerous scenario when intoxicated. How right they were. But obviously I didn’t listen. I always have to learn the hard way, my way. I always have to experience things myself before I actually believe someone.

Through what Hana told me and the texts Chandler sent me, I got some clarity on the night before. Long story short, Hana left Chandler and me to talk on her phone and walk the shore line to give us…”privacy”. Forty five minutes later she returned to the beach chairs where we had all been sitting, the only thing she found was my phone in the sand. Lucky for me, she went straight up to the room to tell her parents. The three of them were looking for thirty minutes for me. Hana didn’t have Chandler’s number, but she used my phone to tell him to bring me back. He brought me back. From what he told me the next morning it was clear I had lost my virginity to him, basically a complete stranger.
Hana and her parents were so kind and forgiving about the mess I had made. I’m so thankful it was her family I was on vacation with. I’m so thankful my phone was left in the sand that night because I have no idea where I would have ended up. I’m so thankful for the parents I have; they were so understanding, and I hate that I put them through the fear of them losing me. If I just would have listened to their advice about drinking I would have never been put in this situation.

I will never know where I went that night. I will never remember the first time I gave myself to someone. I will never be able to re-do that night. I still don't know the reason for all this. I intoxicated myself to the point where I lost complete control for no reason at all. Drinking may seem harmless, but I had to learn the hard way there is very dark side to it. It’s a drug that can completely erase an entire moment in your life. Trust me, the fun that can come from drinking cannot compare to the destruction that it can cause.