You ask me how I’m doing, so this time I try answering honestly for once,
“Not too great actually, I’m hanging out alone kind of bummed out.”
You ask me why I am feeling this way, what happened and how can I be helped, as I knew you would, you always do. You are so caring towards me, towards everyone really. You always want to know what can be done to fix a bad situation, but you also feel a need to know what exactly caused it. The thing is, there’s not always a direct cause. Well, at least not with me anyway, I wouldn’t know about the rest of the world.
I try and explain this to you,
“There’s nothing that really ‘happened’ Scott, I just am. I realize it sounds superficial and like I’m in a ‘girly’ mood around ‘that time’ but I ensure you it is much more than that. I just began to contemplate things I suppose. I found my binder under my bed, it’s actually a binder that has much more to do with you than you could ever imagine…”
Now he’s truly intrigued, the response comes much quicker this time.
“What do you mean Pip? What binder? Why me?”
Now comes the tough part… How do I explain to my ex boyfriend of five years that all this time I have kept an entire binder worth of unsent letters to him and rant entries about him..?
“Well, you see. Ah, screw it I won’t even waste my time with being shy and worried about what you think of me. If you find me creepy, than that’s just fine but I’m just here to spell out the facts for you. I have a binder filled with every joy filled letter from while we were together five years ago and also every single sorrow filled one that has been written since. Don’t worry, most of the latter occurred within the recent time period around our breakup, but I will be honest, there are some recent entries. I decided to keep them all in a binder organized and such because I had decided that one day, most likely a very long and far off distance into the future, I would get up the courage to spend an evening with you, and have you read all of the letters I never could send previously.
..Needless to say, that day has not yet come, so the binder has just been living under my bed, every now and then I stumble upon it again and I look through it and emotions are fired at me from every direction. Hence, my current state of woe…
You don’t know me to be very forthright with my emotions, and that I believe is a great quality of myself, I often struggle to hide all emotions from everyone, especially myself. But, I have learned through experience that those nasty little buggers that are emotions have a weird way of flooding out at the most inopportune moments; that is unless you create a give and take system. I suppose you could say, that for me, that binder, through my writing, has been my give and take system for, well, the past five years. So, when you one day do read through it (which I imagine will be sooner rather than later since you are now AWARE of it…) you will also be hit with every single emotion I’ve felt for you (good and bad…) I have hid for the past 5 years…”