Mood disorders are difficult. They’re difficult to define, they’re difficult to deal with, and they’re difficult to talk about. Especially if you know next to nothing about them and you have a close connection to them. My mother has bipolar disorder. I lived with her for 14 years and I didn’t find out about her disorder until after I had moved out in the middle of my freshman year in high school. In some ways, the diagnosis made it easier for me; some of her extreme and radical behavior made more sense to me. However, the diagnosis also confused me. The word bipolar and the general idea behind it is common enough that I sort of understood what it meant. She had trouble with her emotions, right? Mood swings or whatever, right? Absolutely wrong. Once I did legitimate research, I found out just how flippantly our society uses the word bipolar.

I’m writing this article because of the lack of resources that I had while I was living with my mother. I’m not a professional; none of the things I say here are indisputable. They are merely suggestions on ways you can cope with family members with mood disorders. They may not even apply to all mood disorders; I can safely say that what small expertise I have lies with bipolar disorder. However, I want to offer some advice to those who are struggling with their situation. In my experience, any advice is better than no advice, and the sheer fact of knowing that I am not alone in my struggle has made things that much easier to deal with.

One of the most effective ways to cope with mood disorders—if you have the resources available to you—is to try out therapy. I know, I know; I was opposed to therapy the first time my dad mentioned it, too. Therapy is for crazy, dramatic, whiny people, right? I used to think that, and I can honestly say I was wrong. Therapy has helped me tremendously with expressing my emotions, something I have always had trouble with. I’m not talking about whining, either. I mean the simple act of being able to say, “This upsets me; here is why.” A surprisingly common idea in our society is not to talk about our feelings with others because we don’t want to burden other people with our problems. While it may not be fair to push your personal issues onto everyone else all the time, I have learned that you have to talk things out. One of the facets of bipolar disorder includes never talking about being upset, eventually experiencing a violent explosion of emotion, and then never mentioning it again. As this is how my mother deals with all unhappy emotions, that’s how I learned to deal with them as well. In relation to processing emotions in a healthier way, I’ve found that therapy has helped tremendously.

Obviously, therapy is not an option for everyone. Therapy wasn’t something I’d ever thought about until I moved, let alone would it have been an option for me beforehand. There are plenty of other resources you can use to help you cope. My first suggestion would be research. I know it sounds super nerdy, but knowing a lot about the details of whatever mood disorder is plaguing your family really helps. Knowledge helps you understand your situation and I can honestly say that knowing a lot about bipolar disorder really helped me dispel some negative feelings towards my mother. Understanding the fundamentals of the disorder helps to distinguish what actions were you lucid relative and what actions were influenced by facets of the disorder. While the disorder itself is no excuse for deplorable behavior—there are many ways someone with a mood disorder can find treatment for themselves, and many of the treatments have proven to work—it is often comforting to know the difference between a rational decision and one motivated by the mood disorder.

Another coping mechanism I have found helps is expressing yourself about the situation in any way. Be it talking to one of your friends, writing it down in a notebook, or some other medium you prefer, expressing yourself and getting your thoughts somewhere else but your head makes things easier to think about. When I was living with my mother, I never wrote anything down or talked to anyone about my situation. All I had were the frantic and discombobulated thoughts in my head. Writing things down or talking them out makes them seem less overwhelming; your thoughts become less of an emotional deluge and more of rational reasoning. Even when I was at my most confused, the simple act of getting things out of my head helped me feel better. Never underestimate the power of talking things out with a friend.

Now, I’d like to reiterate that I am not a professional. I’m just a teenager who went through some unhappy things when she was a kid and wants to help other teenagers who may be in a similar situation. As such, I completely understand if you don’t feel very confident in my ability to give you advice. However, I have done a lot of research, and I want to leave you with some other options in case this article leaves you wanting:

Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation (thebalancedmind.org)
Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsalliance.org)
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (nami.org)
National Institute of Mental Health (nimh.nih.gov)

I have personally looked through all of these websites and have found them all to be super helpful. Likewise, if you have a relative with bipolar disorder specifically, the book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison gave me fantastic insight about the disorder that I had never heard from any other source. If you’ve found that my article was lacking or you do not trust my opinion, then these sources are an excellent use of your time. I hope they can help you out. My only goal with this article is to reach people who are in the situation I was in and let them know that you are not the only one. Not by any stretch of the imagination.