He is gone. The worst words in the English language. This is what I heard the moment my Papaw passed away.
“Mrs. Kluesner?” the office lady asks.
“Yes?” says Mrs. Kluesner.
“Is Desirae in your room?” she asks quietly.
“Yes.” Mrs. Kluesner says back.
“Can you please send her to the office? Her mother is here to pick her up.”
“Yes, she’ll be right down.” says Mrs. Kluesner, pointing to me to go to my locker.
“Thank you.” the office lady says.

I hurry over to my locker and grab my backpack and stuff my books in it. I grab my purse and head for the door. I run down the hallway to where my mother is. I stick my head in the office and say goodbye to everyone.

“What’s going on?” I ask my mom, very confused.

When I see her face, I know it has to do with my great-grandfather.
“It’s Papaw. I just got off of the phone with Poppy; they are letting him go.” she says to me.
“Go? Go where? Where are they taking him?” I ask panicking.
“Poppy told the nurse to wait a little while longer, so we can be with him when he passes.” my mom says with tears streaming down her face.
“No, No, No!” I say as we are getting into the car.
“I don’t want him to go. He can’t go now. I have graduation and confirmation. I want him to be there for me.” I say starting to cry.
“I know but its time.” my mom says wiping my tears.

We speed to the VA hospital, trying to get there as fast as we can. We arrive in less than fifteen minutes. I run into the hospital, and smack the elevator button. We get off of the elevator and walk to the room where my Papaw is. I stand in the doorway of the room and I look at him, laying there moments away from death. I let out a cry of pain and despair and my grandpa turns around and looks at me and starts crying. I run over and hug him. I give him a hug and I don’t let go of him for five minutes. I wipe his tears and I stand back up, looking at my Papaw.
“How long?” I ask, feeling like I have been paralyzed, from head to toe
“The doctor says about an hour to three hours.” my grandpa tells me, trying not to cry
“Oh. Has he been talking to you? Has he been saying anything?” I ask quietly.
“No. He only mumbles a little bit now and then. I can’t understand him though; he is telling us that it is time.” He says to me.
“Oh, okay.” I whisper to my Poppy.

I walk over to the chair and sit down starting to cry. I let my mind go completely blank. “What am I going to do?” I ask myself. I let my head hang down so nobody can see my crying, red eyes. I start to cry heavier and I run down the hall into the family waiting room. My grandma and my grandpa head down shortly after.
“Hey.” I hear my grandpa say as he sits down.
“Go away.” I moan.
“Hey, come on. Look I know why you are upset. I am too, but it doesn’t mean that you should be down here, away from him, while his is going.” my grandpa sobs.
“Okay .I’ll come back.” I say, sniffling.

We walk back into the room and my cousin is there now. Along with my aunt and my other cousin. I walk over and give her a hug. We embrace for a good amount of time and then the doctor walks in.
“Why can’t he get better?” I interrogate him, sternly.
“Well, the pneumonia has spread throughout his lungs. There is nothing else that I can do. He’s taken every medicine that can cure it, nothing has worked. I am very sorry.” he explained.
“Oh.” I sigh.
“I am sorry.” he murmured.

I walk over to the bed next to my Papaw and take his hand. I look at him with tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Papaw?” I ask “if you can hear me, I want you to know that I love you very much. Everything is going to be alright. We’ll take care of grandma Raine. I’ll miss you but its ok. You’ll be in a better place. Just promise me that you will take care of us.”
“Hey Des?” my cousin Kelly calls from the hallway.
“Yeah?” I reply, turning around with a stream of tears running down my face
“He’s going to be alright.” she tells me.
“I know, but I just . . . I just don’t want him to go.” I say crying.
“I know. I don’t want him to go either.” she says, starting to cry again.

The doctor walks by in a hurry, not noticing us. He runs into my Papaw’s room and starts to talk.
“Come on. I want to see what he’s got to say.” I tell my cousin, drying my tears.
“Okay, let’s go.” she says, wiping her tears.

We walk into the room and everybody is crying.
“What’s going on?” I ask nervously.
“The doctor says that he is in a lot of pain and he thinks that it is time.” my grandpa tells me.
“NO!!” I moan, dropping to the floor, landing on my knees harshly.
“It’s time.” my grandpa tells me.

The doctor motions for the nurses’ to start getting the morphine ready. I close my eyes trying to get out of this awful dream. When I open my eyes, I see that this is all reality; that this is really happening. When the doctor and the nurse’s come in with the cart, I step back, realizing that this is the time.
“We are ready to start.” The doctor explains to my grandpa
“Ok.” My grandpa says, trying to hold back the tears

My grandpa, my uncle, both of my cousins, my other uncle, my mom and I stand around my papaw. We each place one hand on his body. I place my hand on his left ankle.
“Are you all ready?” the doctor asks.
“Yes” we all say.
“Ok. Here it goes.” he says.

The moment the needle is in, I start crying. I’ve never seen this before; I don’t want to see it again.
“It’s okay. It’s okay now.” my grandpa tries to comfort me.
“He’s gone. I’m very sorry for your loss.” the doctor tries to tell me.

I keep holding on and keep holding and keep holding. I keep hoping that he will wake up and hoping and hoping. I know that it’s all over when I feel his skin go cold.
“OH God! NOOOO!!! Papaw, please wake up, please.” I scream and cry.
“Desi, Desi, Desi!!!!” my mom calls for me, but I am nowhere to be found.

It’s like being stuck in a different dimension, when somebody you’ve known and loved all of your life; is dead.
“Desi, Des, Desirae?” I hear from everybody trying to comfort me.

I get up and run out of the room. I run somewhere that they cannot find me.
“Desirae?” I hear my mom yelling for me “where are you?”
“Go away!” I scream to her.
“Come on, it’s time to go!” she tells me.
“But I don’t want to go. I didn’t want him to go. I’m not going anywhere.” I scream at her.
“Come on, come on out here.” she says softly.
“Fine” I say
“Come on, let’s go home.” she says
“Okay.” I say starting to dry my eyes off

We walk out of the hospital and go home. I knew these next few days were going to be hard, but I didn’t know what was headed my way.

December 12, 2011 was the day my great- grandfather passed away. I miss him dearly and I know he is with me wherever I go. I love him to this day and I will love him ‘til the day I die and forever more.