Life is full of meaning. Full of people and/or objects in which make living life worthwhile. One of those things for me is my gorgeous Labrador Retriever. Or perhaps, my old lab. Lacy passed away merely a few days after my 13th B-day this summer, and, though devastating , this day will forever portray heartbreaking meaning to me.

There was a series of emotional events leading up to that humid July day. I would have considered it fantastic weather, had it not been for the circumstances. Today, I was to lose my greatest companion.She was old. And that's what I continued to tell myself day after day. 'She sleeps too much!' response, 'She's old'. 'So weak!' response, 'She's old'. I had shoved the fact that, eventually, Lacy was going to leave me to the back of my mind, refusing to believe it. The night before that horrid day, Lacy would not touch her food. When I went out to feed her that evening, she threw up and collapsed, breathless, into the dirt. Terrified, I stayed there with my Baby Girl for 2 1/2 hours until my dad came home. When he arrived, we phoned the vet immediately and made an appointment first thing in the morning. I was determined to go with him, but he refused. I tidied up her pen while she was gone and dumped out her old food and water, replacing it with new. I wanted for her to feel comfortable when she came home.

Slowly, the day faded away and I was getting worried. Lacy had never occupied herself at the vet's for so long. I could never have prepared myself for the events to follow. Eventually, we received a phone call. Mom answered it and took it back to her room. She took forever and I distracted myself by drawing doodles at the kitchen table. When she finally came out, I showed her my drawings, pretending to be animated over them. But we both knew that my actions were just an excuse to stall time. I didn't want to know the cause behind my mother's red-rimmed eyes, because I already did.

She took me to the family room and looked me in the eyes, telling me to have a seat. I told her no and she broke down crying. she told me everything. Well... almost everything. She told me how Lacy had gotten diabetes and that it was too late to save her. I fled to my room and threw myself on to my knees at the foot of my bed. I lowered my head and raised my arms, begging God for a miracle. One miracle. And I would ask him for nothing else. Ever again- not even my life. I couldn't even see her for 5 hours! Crawling numbly into the covers, I told myself that all this was, was the first nightmare I had had in 7 months and that all I must do is fall back asleep so that I can wake up and run to tell Lacy all about how terrifying it was. But of course, this was false. My vision blurred and I drifted off to sleep.

When we arrived at the vet's, Lacy seemed chipper and thrilled to see me. Almost like herself. Almost. I go to take her on a walk and love on her. It could have felt like any other day. But when Dad came over from work, it was time. But for what, I didn't know. We took my baby inside and the vet said, "Well, I'm sorry young lady, but I 'spose we should get it over with, eh? You wanna watch?". It suddenly hit me what was happening. He was going to put Lacy down. I froze, and then slowly shook my head. No. How could I? But how could I not? I took Lacy's head in my hands and gazed into her soft, brown eyes. A silent message passed between us. A brief understanding of each-other. I pulled her close into my embrace, relishing the feel of her warm body against my own. eventually, I pulled away and she licked me lovingly on the cheek. I kissed her back before she turned to my dad, wagging her tail as if to say, "I'm ready". I watched them disappear as I sank into my mother's lap. behind me, I heard my little sister remark, "You can always get another dog, Brand". I chose to ride home with Dad, trying my best to hold it together. He told me, "You do think that it was the right thing to do though. Don't you?". I turned to him and felt myself numb all over. "No one told me I had the choice."

Though I realize that it is not fully my fault for Lacy's death, I also know that I will never contain the ability to forgive myself for what I did to my best friend. I am torn that my own mother did not tell me that I could have saved my beloved. Disappointment in myself for not having spoken up, floods me night and day. I have apologized multiple times to her through God, but that's not good enough for me. It never will be. So Lacy is in Heaven now, and I will therefore forever picture her as the "Angel to My Heart".