To some people being a loner is easy. You just keep to yourself and either don't have friends at all or just have a few. For me it wasn't a choice. People just don't like me and don't want to be around me. If someone was seen talking to me they'd be bullied, so people distanced themselves in order to be left alone. No one stood up for me either, they either watched me get bullied or turned their backs.
Those who I once called 'friends' also left me after a while. To this day the only friends I have are in a different country. Those who are in England aren't even close to me.. not that it would make much difference. Most people my age do stuff I don't want to do. And the things I do are considered 'childish'.
In my head and possibly in the head's of the people who hate me I'm just some freak... and that's a minor insult compared to what I heard on a daily basis. To keep myself stable and in some sort of high spirit I kept telling myself that I want to be alone so no one could lie to me, use me or even back stab me. But there's this ache in my chest when most of my online friends talk to me about their plans with their own friends who live near them. And each time I feel so alone, my only option is to hug either a soft toy or a pillow until the pain fades away. For that it can sometimes take a few minutes or a few hours.
I know most of you who read this are probably either saying 'I know exactly what she means, I can relate' or 'she's attention seeking, this is pathetic, go get a life' and so on. But until you've been through this most of you can't relate.
I think the worst part is when you have to hide it from your parents, siblings or even a possible online relationship. I get this problem quite a lot and I'm trying to be more conscious of what I type because sometimes people can know whether you're fine or not. It's the way you type, I believe. I don't understand myself, but sometimes people can see passed the screen. At this point you're either relieved, scared, angry or you get more upset. For me I get worried because then they ask what's wrong and you can either risk it and say it's nothing or you can tell the truth. Either way, for me, it's a bad thing.
I don't know how anyone else deals with feeling lonely but when I'm ever down I write. Some paint, others do puzzles.. and most of the time the others just curl up in bed or in a corner and cry. So this is just my way of dealing with my loneliness and also a way for those who are probably feeling the same to show that no, you're not the only one who is either a loner by force or by choice. There are others.