As I sat in creative writing today, my teacher told us to write him an essay about our hero, who has gotten us through the most trial and tribulation in our lives. Instantly I thought ‘God’ of course. But as I remembered the most painful part of my life, I began think how wrong I am.
The tears fell as I watched his teal Cherokee jeep drive away, a part that of me just walking out of my life that I can never get back. I slowly turned around and walked into my house. My brothers’ eyes glued to the TV, my mother talking to her friend about the latest gossip. I walk into my room where I turned up the music enough to faze out my cries of fear of loneliness, plopped unto my unmade bed, and buried my face into my pillow. Sniffles turned into sobs, sobs into cries, and cries into hysteria, when I realized that for once in my life I am completely alone. Family too busy, friends too occupied, and now my first love too bored to just go on anymore... Too afraid to face him at school I stayed home for four days. On the fifth day I got a call, his voice on the other line, thinking he wanted me back, thinking he made the biggest mistake of his life, instead his voice was sad, something was wrong…
Him; “Sam… it’s about Mazy, something happened...”
He was talking about my best friend, fear struck me hard. The thought of him and her filled my head, them being happy? Anger consumed me. I haven’t spoken to her since my breakup, they had to be together.
Me; “what is it?”
He was breathing heavy, and h is voice began to crack, oddly enough he began to cry, as much anger as I felt at the possibility of them being together I couldn’t help but comfort him.
Me; “It’s alright Hun… it can’t be that bad. I’m sure I can take whatever you have to say…”
Him; “Sam… Mazy committed suicide yesterday... I’m so sorry”
My throat tightened, my mind went blank. I went into a daze. Nothing mattered.
Him: “Samantha? Are you ok?”
With no emotions left to feel, I had to reply.
Me; “….. No, I have to go.”
As I hung up the phone, I thought how everything could go so wrong in such a short time. The minutes of loneliness felt like agonizing hours, days, months, years. Time slowed down just to tease me. Two days later I got the news that we will be moving, on account that my parents will be divorcing. For two years the endless nights of thinking too much, the days filled with silence, the pain and hurt in my heart was being piled and piled day after day. Trying to fill my emptiness with the grace of God.
Then one day there was the break down. The kind of break down where you just want to cry and scream at the top of your lungs, the kind where you just want to break everything in sight, so it can be just as broke as you are now. The kind that you can’t control. That break down that releases everything lets you feel free of the heavy burden weighing on your heart, the kind where true realization that God can’t fix you... Only you can. I had to learn the hard way. If I had to chance to go back, and change any of that. I wouldn’t think twice not too. The trial in your life and how you