The List

My heart was thumping. I was confused. I didn’t know what I wanted. As our vehicle cruised down Bardstown road, my mom and I sat in silence with our own thoughts. What if my name wasn’t on the list? But what if it was? Did I even want my name on the list? I wanted so bad to stop time and not have to worry about it anymore but yet I craved for information; I needed to know. I desperately wanted relief!
I’ve played volleyball since third grade and began playing travel volleyball at age eleven. I didn’t know what life would be like without it. So of course when my parents asked me if I wanted to try out for the Assumption volleyball team for my junior year, my answer was yes. I’d known nothing but volleyball the last few years of my life. The practices every day, the conditionings, the entire weekends spend at the gym, and the trips across the country had made volleyball the center of my world. While balancing this with a social life and school I was basically a wreck. I was afraid of giving up the sport I had put so much time and effort into. I was afraid I would be bored. I was afraid I’d lose touch with my volleyball friends. I was afraid of being out of shape. Yet I was exhausted; I was tired of the not being able to get my homework done, and I was tired of always ditching my friends because I had to be at some volleyball event. So my opinions about continuing my volleyball career were a bit ambivalent, but I didn’t know how to stop, so as try outs grew near I began to dread the months to come.
The car wheals rolled into Assumption on that Sunday morning. I was coming from church where I had prayed that whatever happened would work out. I hoped that God had intended whatever was on that list to help me. So as we pulled into the parking space, I froze not wanting to place my warm, clammy hand on the cool metal door knob and push my way out of my comfy seat and into a reality that I felt would affect my life.
Before Assumption try outs I had enjoyed my short one month break. I had decided that I didn’t want to go in the volleyball gym and work out to get ready for try outs because I was sick of it. So when it came time for try outs I came knowingly unprepared. Some parts of try outs were good, yet some where very bad. I knew Ron, the varsity coach, was going to cut down the roster this year after not winning state last year. I was in the danger zone. I spent the whole try out with my nerves on high feeling sick to my stomach if I were to get cut, but also if I were to make the team. I wasn’t ready to make that commitment to the long practices and the extreme conditioning. I always saw volleyball try outs as the official end to summer even though school wouldn’t start till another month.
My foot touched the asphalt of the Assumption parking lot as I got shakily out of the car. To my surprise I looked up and my mom was already out of her door and on my side of the car.
“Are you coming with me?” I saked.
“Of course, Kayla, relax everything will work out for the best,” she said
I loved my mother. I knew she could see my anxiety and I knew that she saw the constant stress that I had endured throughout my years of sports. I felt that all she wanted was for me to be happy and if that meant an end to volleyball, she welcomed it.
The list was to be posted on the glass doors to the building with the names of all the students that had successfully made the team. My mom and I slowly approached the door and scanned the list. Huge relief swept through my body as my mom came in to give me a somber hug. I reached for her in a big bear hug and began to jump. A weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t make the team!
After this relief that my life was not committed to volleyball, came a string of emotions. I was sad because I didn’t know what to do now, I was hurt, and I was embarrassed, but my relief had never wavered. I knew that there had to be something more to life than volleyball, and I would find it. I knew that I could find things to do that would make me happier and I just knew everything would be ok.