Trusting myself has always been something I’ve struggled with. In school, at home, and especially in sports. I think it stemmed from bad coaching. I did competitive gymnastics for 6 years, from first to sixth grade, and back then I didn’t think the coaching was too bad. Sure, I got yelled at for making mistakes, but I thought that’s how you got better. I thought I couldn’t improve without getting criticism. But now, looking back at it, it was a lot worse than just criticism. When I fell off the beam I got yelled at. When I flexed my feet I got yelled at. When I bent my knees I got yelled at. Even for the tiniest of mistakes, I would get yelled at. I remember one time, we were doing back handsprings on the crank beam. As I jumped back, I felt my hands slip, and I slid off the beam. Maybe I shouldn’t have cried, but I was scared, and I was 11 years old. I deserve to be able to cry. But instead of consoling me, the coaches sent me to sit in the chairs and told me to calm myself down. That was the most embarrassed I’ve ever felt, tears streaming down my face as I sat on the cold, white chairs, and I knew the coaches were talking about me.

The only thing worse than the criticism was the favoritism. I just thought that the coaches liked the other girls more because they were better than me. So I did what I could at home, and eventually I was as good as everyone else. But the favoritism didn’t stop. I’d come home from practice and cry to my mom, asking her why I wasn’t treated the same as the other girls, and why the coaches liked them more. She didn’t have an answer either. 

In fifth grade, I started playing travel softball. I wasn’t on a very good team, but it was a step up from rec, and the coaches were, and still are, some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Those coaches helped me build my confidence, but that came crashing down because of one mom. One game, I hit a ball that was obviously foul, so I didn’t run it out. She screamed at me from the stands, and for the rest of that season what she said replayed over and over in my head. Every time I made contact, “Run the ball out! Don’t be lazy!” Repeating in my head like a metronome, every minute of every game, “Don’t be lazy! Don’t be lazy! Don’t be lazy!” 

The mentality of thinking that I have to do my best 110% of the time and that I can’t mess up is still with me. But Chris changed that. He is honestly the best coach I have ever had, and I’ve had a lot of coaches. I met him in the fall of 2021 when I was still very shy and reserved. But every time I see him I open up a little more. Not only has he improved my physical game, but he’s also helped me with my mentality. 

This spring, I started on varsity as a freshman for my school’s softball team, and I was playing well. I hit two home runs in my first 4 games, so I was feeling confident. Then, the comments started happening.

Every time I was up to bat, “Oh she’s gonna hit a home run,” or, “It’s okay that there are two outs, Ejheni will just hit it over.” I know they meant it encouragingly, but it took me back to my old way of thinking. That I have to get a hit every time. That I have to get a home run. That I have to get on base. That if I mess up my team will hate me. 

I started to cool down, singles instead of doubles, ground balls instead of line drives, and I was disappointed in myself. So, I went to Chris. He knows that I have good mechanics, and he knows that I can succeed as long as I trust myself, so that’s exactly what he told me. 

“Look Ejhy,” he said, “you’re the best girl on that team. You could hit it over every time, but that’s not what your team needs. They need someone who will move the runner. Someone who will put the ball in play.”

“But, they’ll be mad at me if I get out because they know I can do better than that,” I said. 

“You can’t think like that,” he replied, “you have to trust yourself to be able to do your best. You have the physical abilities, but your head is getting in your way.” 

During the next game, I did my best to drown out the outside noise. The only thing repeating in my head now was, “Make contact.” 

“Make contact. Make contact. Make contact,” I repeated to myself when I was in the box. “Make contact. Make contact. Make contact,” I said during every game for the rest of the season. And that’s what I did. This season taught me that you can’t be your own worst enemy. Don’t let your head get in your way. Trusting yourself will take you further than any amount of skill.