Buzz! Buzz! My phone constantly ringing. Annoyed, I pick up my head from my cloud like pillow filled with dreams and slap the thing off. I dread getting up. My body aching as if I were 70. Finally after about 5 minutes of deciphering I decide to get up. I slowly crawl myself out of my bed and stagger into the bathroom. I flash the illuminating light on and squint as I stare into the mirror. But as I stare, the person I'm looking at isn't me at all. The person looking back is broken and bruised. She's tired of life and she's whispering to me “End it all.” Telling me to let go and end our pain and suffering. 

I stutter as I grasp hold of the sink. Suddenly the bathroom drawer is screaming my name in the darkest of voices. The drawer whoshes open. My eyes groggy and my hands shaking like an earthquake. I check my phone. 20 minutes until school starts. I don't want to be late on my last day. My mind buzzes. My fingers tingle as I reach for my medication. I should only want one, but why do I want more? Why are there these screaming voices in my head telling me to end it right here, right now? 

So I do. But not only do I take eight of my own. I decided that's not enough. I take six of my mothers, and eight of my friends. Struggling to breathe, I decide I still need more. I then took four of my friends' sisters. I was so ready to die. I run to put my shoes on. Pounce out the door and wait for the bus. “Why has nothing happened to me yet?” I ask myself angrily. My hands fist and my jaw clenches. I remember the day before I asked God to give me a beautiful sunrise if I was meant to stay. But my sunrise never came today. 

I walk into school. People scattered around everywhere like mobs. I approach my friends. None of them noticed the sorrows in my eyes. The streaks down my cheek have now dried and are melted into my skin. I'm trapped in a dark room with narrow arcs and bags across the floor. I enter the instrument room. “Shoot” I exclaim to myself out loud. I left my instrument at home. So much for one last day of playing. I grab my extra clarinet and hustle to my seat for attendance. But as I'm sitting there I start to feel tired. Extremely tired. My eyes continuously flutter shut as if their weights are being pulled by gravity. With my body going along with it. I fall from side to side being unable to control myself and sit up. 

I pull out my phone with eyes half opened. I try to text my mom to come pick me up. None of the words were made out correctly but she made them out. She was on her way. Within 10 minutes my mom was at school picking me up. She asked “What's wrong?” I tried to explain to her that my head really hurt but all that came out was slurred words. My tongue was numb like needles, unable to speak clearly. She couldn't understand but she knew something was wrong. And before I knew it we were in an emergency room at the hospital. 

The room was cold like ice. They gave me a gown and told me to lay in bed. Not long after a doctor came in to draw my blood. Terrified of needles and veins I refused and screamed at the top of my lungs. Since I put so much energy out as they drew blood, I ended up passing out. As I was passed out they hooked me up to an IV and were continuously monitoring me. I was continuously passing out and waking back up. Once I was cleared to come home right when I walked through the door I rushed to my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up it was around 7:30pm. I was so confused as to what happened. I thought I slept a whole nother day. I hiked up the stairs and hugged my mother tight. 

Please know how much you are loved and needed in this world. Think about what you would miss and the people you wouldn't meet.  The experiences that wouldn't have been shared, and the places you haven't seen. So please before you decide to erase yourself, please remember you're not just some book on your shelf. Your name is written in someone else's story too. Your story is bigger than just you.